Does anybody read these?

Achy, Breaky Heart

I had written a big, long post this morning, and I guess my Blackberry decided to erase it, because it isn't here anymore.

I am buying a house. I should probably be happy, but I can't help but think it is a bittersweet accomplishment. It's a big house, and the two people that I want to live in it with me don't even like me anymore.

Someone else likes me. But frankly, I can't even think about that. There is just a big, empty hole where my heart used to be. I don't know that I ever want to be in a relationship again. Even though I wanted to be a mom, I got to do it for nine months and it was the best thing ever. But I don't think I'm going to get to have it again.

And, even if I were capable of being in a relationship, which clearly I am not, this guy isn't my type, at all. I feel bad because he really cares about me and I'm pretty sure this whole mess is fucking up our friendship, but I can't help it. And I have been honest with him. Even if my heart were mine to give, the chances are very slim that I would give it to him.

But still, it's hard. I'm extremely lonely. But I'd rather be lonely than settle.

I'm not ever going to get better. Chris' sister checked in with me for some unknown reason, and I told her that. I'm not ever going to get better. I didn't even know someone's heart could hurt this much, and I have no idea how to fix it. I don't think I can.

I don't think I believe in love anymore. Not at all. And I sure as hell wouldn't give my love to someone (if I had any to give, that is) who wouldn't give two shits about me less than a year later. Men are assholes. They can't help it, but they can go be assholes without me. I did perfectly fine for almost 33 years without them, and if I make it through the next few months (the jury is still out), then I'm sure I'll be fine for another 30 years.

But, most days I just want to be dead. There's no point in lying about it. I used to believe in love. I used to believe what other people did and said. Now I just want to be alone. I'm not particularly sure I like people, and most days I sure as hell don't want to be around them.

Some people are just better on their own. And frankly, Chris isn't the only person who's pissed in my cornflakes recently and I just don't want to let people do that anymore. And, with most people, if you let them in, they are going to disappoint you, whether they mean to or not.

I'm not saying I'm guiltless here. Hell, I wouldn't be my friend. I don't like me. I'm a colossal fuck up and I do just as much to destroy my relationships as others do. I'm lucky my cat still likes me, and I'll bet she wouldn't if she could get to the Cat Chow herself.

Everything's changed in the last few months. Everything sucks, but I'm too depressed to care. I don't know how to fix anything, if I wanted to. I hate being the way I am, but in some ways it's better, I think.

Song of the day: "The Truth" by Jason Aldean.

posted by Laura at 11:17 AM