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Tuesday, August 17, 2010


I was so upset about getting hurt by others' words, that I didn't really think that maybe my words would hurt them. Or maybe I didn't care. Regardless, I was sitting at home last night feeling bad about what I wrote yesterday. I don't like to hurt people. I would much rather be hurt than hurt someone else. Story of my life, really.

But, of course, I don't have a computer at home right now to go in and delete things. Or perhaps, just temper them. And, I've always made it a policy to let this blog capture the moment, and I very rarely delete things. I've had some pretty pissed off folks at one time or another, but I don't often feel compelled to delete things in order to please others.

But, I am not a hurtful person. But sometimes (like, for example, when my hormones are all out of whack from the massive "female problems" that I've has of late), I let my anger get the best of me. I let my hurt cause me to lash out at other people.

Some of these feelings stem from bigger issues. I'm not getting into it. I just need to deal with it, and I will. Everything will be fine.

In some ways, I kind of hope that I'm not doing well. Maybe I just need a break from life, whatever that means. Maybe I would like for people to feel bad for me (although I was percolating another blog on that subject). Maybe I'm just ready to be done. All I know is that even though it's looking less and less like I'm dying (my white blood count came back normal which is a good sign that it's not cancer), everything just seems to have a sense of finality about it. I know that sounds strange, but I am just tired, worn out, cranky, hormonal, sad, insert-your-favorite-adjective-that-invokes-a-sense-of-melancholy-and-general-malaise-here.

On the plus side, maybe the hurtful comments will help in the long run. Because I don't think I'm going to eat for a while. After all, we know I can go 28 days without food before I need to go to the doctor's office...

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