Does anybody read these?

So, it begins.

I met with my trainer today. I like her a lot. She said pretty much what my last trainer said, which is that I'm strong and I have a lot of muscle. I just need to shed the fat.

So, that is what I'm going to do.

I just wanted to clarify and bitch a little. I don't mind my body. Sure, I wish I had less flabby parts, and I still get nervous when a man sees me naked. But, this is the only body I have, and I really am a lovely person on the inside and out, so I've learned to love myself. Yeah, we could all use improvement, but I am not wallowing in self-hatred at what I am currently working with. I love me. I have beautiful eyes. I am kind and loving, and really curves aren't that bad. I'd like them to be a little smaller, but I still want to have them.

However, there are so many people in this world who cannot see past the fat for whatever reason. And it's not just me. I think Oprah is lovely, but apparently she was on TV beating herself up about gaining weight. She is the most successful woman in the world, gives millions of dollars to charity, always looks fantastic, and she feels like she's not good enough because she's overweight. You know what? Not everyone gets to be a size 4, and the world should get used to it.

I hate that I am really losing weight because guys don't want fat chicks and people don't want to sit next to a big girl on the airplane. I hate it. But I feel like my back is against a wall, and I have no choice. I wish I could say that I just want to be healthier and I'm doing this because I'm worried about myself, but all I'm really worried about is snickers and stares. And yeah, I can say that I don't want to be with any guy who doesn't want me because of my looks, but I'm 32 years old and I'm not getting any younger and if guys think that girls have to be thin to be worthy of dating, then damn it, I guess I have to be thin. And even though my boyfriend didn't seem to feel that way, he also doesn't seem to want to be my boyfriend anymore, which means that it's time to get back on the horse. And the horse is not a Clydesdale.

I'm going to cry if I don't stop typing. That's what I always do when I think about how someone has fallen out of love with me for whatever reason. All I know is that when I ask when I can come visit (even though I swore it was his turn. I love him and I miss him) or yesterday when I told him that the doctor told me everything is OK if I wanted to start having babies, he doesn't have anything to say anymore. I'm not very smart about relationships, but I'm not completely stupid. If all of a sudden, you ignore someone when they have anything substantial to say about a relationship, it's because the relationship is no longer a priority for you. Which is fine. Whatever. I'm not begging anyone to love me, because it never works.

I just hate that I have to try again. I'm not sure that I want to because it's painful and it sucks. It always does, even when you think maybe it won't this time.

posted by Laura at 1:06 PM