Does anybody read these?

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Clearing things up

I don't want to eat.

I don't want to improve myself.

I don't want to find someone better.

I don't want to stop loving Chris and Shelby.

I don't want to. I guess I should want to from everything everyone tells me.

But this is hard. It's not something I've ever gone through before, and it's not something I ever hope to go through again.

I want them to just come back so we can pick up where we left off. I want that more than anything, but I don't see it happening.

I want to stop crying. I want to feel like myself again. I want to stop pushing Chris away by trying to pull him closer to me.

But I don't know how, and besides, I don't suspect that it's something that happens overnight.

I know everyone loves me and they tell me things to cheer me up because they hate seeing me like this. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and be hungry or want to get out of bed in the morning. I wish I could fall asleep and not have nightmares.

I'm guessing if Chris is even thinking about reconciling with someone who ruined his life and tore him apart, then maybe someday I'll be able to move past this happening to me.

I'm sorry that I'm not working on anyone else's time frame here. I'm sorry if you're sick of hearing me whine. I'm sorry that any of this happened, believe me.

I have been praying, and it really does help. And, believe it or not, but Chris being mean to me even helped. Maybe we needed to have a "fight" so it felt more like we were broken up.

I just don't want to be broken up. I know I look half-retarded right now chasing a dream that is gone, but I just don't understand how you walk away from people you love. I'm not made that way.

Much like every other day of my life, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I know that no one reads my blog to see Debbie Doom and Gloom everyday. But all the things that gave me joy are gone right now. And I know you can't get your joy from other people, but how could anyone not get joy from a little girl who loads herself up in her stroller and demands that you go to the park?


1 comment(s):

I do not think you are doom and gloom Laura. I think you are someone who loves 2 people very much and is grieving. Yes, this may all work out and they will come back. No one knows, only God.
The only thing I can say is, as each day passes, the pain will lessen.
I think about my sister EVERY day. There is NOT a day that goes by that I do not have a moment when I cry and wish to God that she was still here, that cancer had not taken her so young and her hubby.
I also know that we have no control over some things in our lives and all we can do is give it to god and pray for strength and understanding, that one day we may be able to realize even this had a reason.

By Anonymous Rosi, at 9/08/2009 11:30 AM  

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