Does anybody read these?

Venting...

This post probably won't make sense to anyone but me and maybe a few of my friends. That's OK because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Really, I am too freaking nice. That's the whole problem here.

Somedays I just want to scream. I don't know how many ways to say "I don't care," "I'd rather not have this conversation," "Does it really effing matter?" "Why do you care? What the hell is your problem?"

I. Don't. Care.

I never have. The chances that I ever will have increased somewhat lately, but really it works best if I don't care. And honestly, if I feel compelled to care, then that means the rules have changed and I won't be able to discuss it with you. I wonder if people are truly ready for that day.

You see, I have this friend. She always wants to talk about a certain topic. Talk is really not the word. She likes to pick EVERYTHING about a certain topic all to hell. I have no idea why she thought I'd be the person to have these conversations with her, because I really have nothing to contribute. Mostly because I don't care, but also partly because it's in my best interest to not be interested. (Did that makes sense? It did to me.)

Maybe it's because I am a very nice person -- too nice, really -- and she knows I won't tell her to shut the fuck up, even though that's what I'm thinking. And in those words. I really don't think there's a better way to end a conversation when it pisses you off then by saying: "Shut the fuck up." Too bad I'm way too nice to ever do that.

I feel bad because I do like this person, but I am annoyed as hell by this. I have politely tried to tell her I wasn't interested and would talk to her about anything else and she takes it very personally. Ummmmkay, that's healthy. I'm getting to the point where I dread talking to her because I don't have the energy for it. And THAT should never happen with your friends. It's a very bad sign.

I think the biggest reason it's making me uncomfortable is that it's starting to remind me of someone else, and I am starting not to trust her. I'm starting to wonder if she has an agenda. I'm starting to wonder if she might not be entirely with the program. The e-mails and the converstations are eerily familiar. She doesn't make the same claims (maybe only because she knows I'd NEVER believe that?!) but sometimes she says stuff and I think, "Holy shit, I'm not sure about this." I can't go down that road -- or any road with any type of similarities to that road -- again. I am still not sure if I can "fix" any damage that may have occurred from all that. And I never, ever want to be in that situation again.

And truth be told, if you want to put me there, you are not my friend. I think that one of my biggest issues with last year is that if I hadn't been completely and totally hosed, then everything that is happening in my life RIGHT NOW could've happened a year ago.

I'm not going down that road again. I'm not doing anything that even appears to be going down that road again. There are conversations that I simply won't have. I don't have the energy. And I'm not throwing everything away and getting caught up in another round of bullshit. Partly because my life is where I want it to be and I'm not going to put that on the back burner for anyone this time. And partly because it wasn't really very pleasant last year, and I have no desire to go back there.

Now, how do I say that? Because something is getting lost in translation when I try ...

posted by Laura at 8:58 AM