Does anybody read these?

Monday, August 31, 2009

Let the healing begin!

"If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back, it was never meant to be."

I hate that quote. I've especially hated it lately. Yet, I still know it's what I have to do.

I am not closing the door. I'm just trying to stop hurting. I have to look out for myself.

I have had advice coming from me in all directions. People telling me to hold on and wait it out, that Oct. 22 isn't a long way away (these people have obviously never gone six days without eating). I have people telling me he's a bad person and we have nothing in common so who cares if I love him, I'm just delusional. But most people are telling me that I just need to give him time to get his life back together and figure out what's going on. But during that time, I shouldn't be pining over him and worrying about whether I'll ever get to see him again.

We're getting together and chatting tonight. I'm going to tell him that I love him more than anything and I want what's best for him in his life. I hope that he will love himself enough to stand up for himself and have that, but he's 32 years old and he has to do it on his own.

I am not giving up on him. I would never do that. He is a wonderful man and obviously I love having him in my life or I wouldn't be anguishing over him. I am just giving him space to make his decision and freeing myself from the hell that I've been living in for the last two weeks. Lisa may be controlling and manipulative, but she's not controlling my life anymore.

I don't know what will happen. Obviously, I want him to be with me, but I'm not sure his heart his healed enough to do that. I need to give him time to work on himself. And frankly, maybe I could use some time to work on me too.

I just hope he's not pissed off when he gets to my house and finds out that all of his stuff is at his house. His parents thought it'd be best if I took it yesterday while he wasn't there, so I did.

I love him, and I'm doing this because I love him. I just hope he understands that.

Well, if he doesn't, then I guess it wasn't meant to be.

I'll be OK. We all still need prayers, but hopefully we'll all be OK.

Sunday, August 30, 2009


I am so confused. I am not sure what to do with everything that's going on.

Part of me wants to just let it go, because I feel like I have not chance.

But part of me wants to believe him when he tells me to hang on and that everything will be OK.

I don't really believe anything will be OK anymore.

I tried to eat this weekend, because I hadn't done that since Tuesday. I got violently ill, so all I did was waste my money on eating in restaurants.

I'm having nightmares, but I slept a full night last night.

The tears are still falling, but they are getting better.

I just wish I knew if I should just let it go. I want to talk to him, but he is avoiding me. And then that pisses me off, because I feel like that's not fair.

I don't know anymore. Some people say to give him time to come back to his senses. Other people tell me just to let him go. I know I feel it's hopeless, but I'm hardly ever Susie Sunshine.

But what are you supposed to think when your boyfriend is out introducing someone else to all of your mutual friends. I am embarrassed, humiliated and hurt.

I'm tired. I'm hungry, but I'm afraid to eat. I'm afraid that there is no decision that's the right decision anymore.

I'm afraid that Chris and Shelby will forget me after all we've been through together.

I can't do this everyday. I can't do it until Oct. 22 (the scheduled date of Chris' final divorce hearing, which is his self-imposed deadline).

I don't think there's any reason to. I don't understand why he won't let me break up with him. Or at least talk to him and get the truth about the situation here.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Today I realized, without a doubt, that Chris loves me.

Unfortunately, I realized this because he was replying to the e-mail I sent him about giving him space.

His reply was: "I got your e-mail. Thank you and I'm sorry."

Of course, I asked him if "I'm sorry" meant "Have a good life."

He told me no, that he wasn't sure what it meant except that he hated that I was hurting.

I asked him if he had to leave me to please make sure I got to say goodbye to him and Shelby, and he told me they weren't going anywhere and not to talk like that.

I am trying to have faith. I am hoping and praying that he will see the light. I am hoping and praying that for the first time in his life, Christopher Staggs will put his low self-esteem aside and realize that he can have real love.

I know everyone dogs him and says that he shouldn't have to choose if he loves me. Hell, I told him that in our little fight Wednesday night. But, I see where he's coming from. I think he is wrong about Lisa, because after having a significant phone coversation with her, I realize that she is incapable of having a meaningful relationship because she doesn't understand how love works. However, I cannot fault him for wanting to make sure that he has gone down every road and explored every nook and cranny in regards to his daughter's well-being.

And, really, I keep telling him that if he needs to get Lisa out of his system, he needs to get Lisa out of his system. I'd rather he figure it all out now instead of later. And, of course, I hope he gets a glimmer of his past life and moves on like he has been saying he wanted to. But if he walks away, well I know that he will be much more worse off than I will be.

After all, there's nothing left to sell for the next round of legal bills. OK, that was mean.

I just didn't want him to hate me. I want him to always remember as the person who loved him more than he even realized was possible. I want to keep loving him until I'm positive that it's time to stop. And even then, I will always have a special place in my heart for this man and his beautiful little daughter who have inspired me to do things that I never even imagined (hello? toddler beauty pageants!).

If something happens and it doesn't work out, I don't begrudge his relationship with Lisa. In fact, I will pray for them everyday that it works out. Because I love him and Shelby so much that I want them to be happy, and being in a toxic environment doesn't make anyone happy.

I tried to explain to Lisa the other day that when you love someone you can't be selfish and you have to let them spread their own wings and either fly or fall. Since she does not love them enough to tell them it's OK to go, then I will be the one to do it if I have to.

I am just going to love him unconditionally, just like I always have, and maybe that'll be enough. But, I know that we had a happy home filled with love for eight wonderful months, if nothing else.

And, if he somehow comes back, there'll be a lot of healing and tears before we get back to where we were. But at least then I'll know he's there because he wants to be there.

Quick update

Since I last wrote, it has hit the fan. I don't want to talk about it too long, because I can't keep dredging it up. I am still prone to crying outbursts and spontaneous vomiting.

Chris keeps telling me that he loves me and it's going to be OK, but things are getting too crazy with him and his ex-wife. On Wednesday he told me that they had gone to marriage counseling that evening.

And that set me off.

I don't blame him for wanting to make sure that the relationship is done because of Shelby. I have told him to "get it out of his system." But really, I'm feeling a little hopeless when the love of my life tells me he's going to counseling with someone else.

Not to mention that I have not been a priority since Lisa came around. He has been cancelling our plans to spend time with her, I worry all the time about what's happening.

He and I had a big argument. I called Lisa and confronted her. She is the most amoral, unrepetant and unconscionable human being I have ever interacted with. She accepts no responsiblity for her actions in the past. I really worry about Chris and Shelby if he chooses to go back to her, because nothing has changed and nothing will change. This is about Lisa sitting in the corner and throwing a temper tantrum until she gets her way, and nothing more.

But, Chris is 32 years old, and I have to let him make his own mistakes. I am not his mother, and I am not here to "fix" him. All I can do is love him and pray that will be enough.

We both said some awful, hurtful things, but after having a heart-to-heart with his mom, I realized that I have to trust him and trust God to do the right thing. I am giving him space so he can get his life in order without worrying about my opinion. It is not my place to give it right now, because I am hardly objective.

I sent him an e-mail. I told him I loved him, and I wasn't giving up on him or us. I told him I treasured his love and friendship and hoped that I would be part of his life forever. Then, I told him he needed his space and I felt like I was a burden. That he could contact me anytime he wanted, but I didn't want to subject him to my commentary on the situation. I just don't want to fight with him. And, I hope he misses me just a little. But I know him well enough to know that it was important that he didn't think I was giving up on him, because he doesn't need anyone to give up on him.

I don't know what is going to happen. His mother says that he has not made any type of decision, and that she is going to do her best to convince him that I am the right choice for him and Shelby. He has blinders on and he's just remembering the good parts of his relationship with Lisa. He needs to remember the four months he didn't get to see Shelby except for that time Lisa's brother-in-law beat the shit out of him and then she had Chris and his dad arrested. He needs to remember the $10,000 in legal bills and how his parents almost lost their house and had to sell practically everything they own to pay them.

And he needs to remember that there is a woman who loves him and his daughter more than anything waiting for him. One who doesn't bitch about doing his laundry or changing Shelby's diapers. She does it because she loves him, and she can't imagine her life without them.

Keep praying for all of us. I'll try not to worry so much.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Three little birds

My favorite Bob Marley song is "Three Little Birds." You know, the one with the catchy chorus: "Don't worry 'bout a thing, 'cause every little thing is gonna be alright."

And, it is.

I am going to say something about my life here, and I would like everyone to refrain from any commentary, no matter how tempting it is. I know lots of folks have things to say, but this is my blog, and I get to be in charge.

Last night, Chris tells me that Lisa brought Shelby over to OUR friends' house after work so she could play with the kids and they could talk. You know, to see if they could peacefully co-exist. Or at least that's what the crazy kids are calling it today.

I got pissed because those are people who are supposed to be my friends, too, and that embarrassed me. It's like everyone else knows where I stand, but I don't. (He says that's not true.) And, honestly, I don't like the three of them trying to be a family again, but that's just me being selfish.

He and I argued about this a little bit and then he says to me: "I want things to work out with her more than anything, but I don't want to hurt you."

Well, anyone who's read my blog more than four seconds knows that I am not anyone's plan B. I have been there and done that, and I just am not going back there again. I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me. Life's too freaking short.

So, I call him. And I tell him that if he wants to be with her and I am holding him back from all his hopes and dreams, that he can just go.

And he tells me that things aren't going to work with her, he's not going anywhere, and I make him happy.

That's all pretty confusing, and I still feel a little like I am being strung along to some extent. But, the more I think about it, the more I realize that everything will be OK.

Some people don't understand why we are together. They think we are too different. And sometimes I wonder myself, but love trumps the fact that he didn't go to college and is a little rough around the edges. He has treated me well, and that counts for a lot. For every minus, there is a plus.

I do worry that I am not Lisa and won't ever be good enough. I do worry that he is just holding onto me so that if Lisa doesn't do all the things that she's promised, he won't be alone.

Or I could worry about all that stuff, but I'm not going to anymore. If it works out, then that is great. I am sure we'll be happy. If it doesn't, then it means that maybe he didn't really want to be with me or maybe our differences were too strong. But there is no point in worrying about that unless it happens.

And, even then, why worry? Why worry if your heart is free to pursue your true hopes and dreams. (Not that mine will be. I'm putting the wall back up. But that's OK, too.)

I'm not worrying. I'm focusing on today, because that's all I really have. Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is not guaranteed. I am going to spend time with him and Shelby while I still can. If that goes away, well then, I will be OK. I don't know if he'll be OK if he goes back to Lisa, but that is not my problem if he leaves. Much like I can't live in fear of Shelby falling down the steps or burning herself on the fireplace, I can't live in fear of him getting back in a toxic relationship and letting her hurt him again. He knows I won't hurt him, and he has to make his choice.

Maybe I should just walk away, but I don't want to. Obviously, he doesn't want to either, and that helps me sleep at night.

We'll see what the future holds. Whatever it is, it will be the right thing.

Every little thing is gonna be alright ...

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


I just looked at my sitemeter for the first time in one million years, and I am filled with warm and fuzzy feelings about how many of you are coming here everyday.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Maybe it's time to do some updates and make this place interesting again.

As my Southern friends would say, I am probably fixin' to have a whole lot of free time coming up.

Thanks for hanging in there. I appreciate it, and I don't deserve it.

Not talking

No one really wants to hear how much my life sucks. And honestly, I'm sick of talking to people about my business.

I think it was being told that "living happily ever after can't be a priority for everyone" that really set me off. It should be, and I shouldn't be faulted because for the first time in my life I want to be happy instead of lonely and miserable. Seriously, that's a good thing.

Whatever that means.

I am not going to worry. I am not going to live in fear. I'm just not talking about it anymore.

I sent Chris a message today and basically the gist of it was that I love him, and I'm not doing either of us favors with all the worrying and fear. I am giving him space, but I am not giving up on us. I want to believe everyone when they tell me it will be OK. I do not want to be my own worst critic. I can't worry about what he's doing. I can't worry about what's going to happen. I just want to treasure what time I have left with him in case it goes away.

After all, there are never any guarantees in life anyhow.

So, I'm not talking. I'm not really talking to him, and I'm going to try not to talk here. I'm sick of whining about my life. I have put Facebook in time out and might have to do the same here. We'll see.

Life's a mess, and for once I don't feel like bitching about it. Chris always says he knows I'm upset about something when I stop talking. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes.

I will really miss that if it goes away.

My horoscope for today

No, seriously, I couldn't make this up. And I have another e-mail in my inbox (some sort of daily inspiration/motivation thing) with the subject "Fear of Losing What We Have." I'm off to read it next.

Gemini horoscope, free daily horoscopes for Gemini

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Monday, August 24, 2009

Public Service Announcement

I'm not giving you the latest scoop on the drama that is my life, mostly because I have no idea what is happening anymore.

And, honestly, I don't want to cry.

I just want to present everyone with a public service announcement, although many of you are not part of the problem.

However, just a word of caution and advice that we could all use in our lives. Just be careful what kind of advice you give someone when they are having relationship issues. First of all, the people could stay together, and then the person remembers all the shitty things you said about the love of her life, even for a few minutes there things were rocky. And secondly, some things are just douche-baggy to say and entirely inappropriate. And those things don't help, really.

I don't know what is going to happen. I love Christopher so much. I just don't know if it's going to be enough. I'm trying, but I don't want to try too hard. And sometimes I want to stop trying, because in my effed up little mind, that's what's best.

Mostly, I just pray. I know that God loves me, Chris and Shelby all very much and he's going to take care of us, even if it isn't how we'd like it to go. It's all going to be OK.

I'm trying to have faith.

Besides, I'm in charge of chili and cookies at Karen's Halloween party.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


Yesterday was pretty rough. It was awful.

I was supposed to be in Detroit visiting with my friends. It was Jamie's birthday. We were going to have fun, and I was going to forget that my life here is unraveling at the seams.

But our trip never happened. It's OK and some things are more important than me going to National Coney Island with my friends late at night. Sometimes life happens.

But this was not the weekend for life to happen to me.

So, I spent two whole days sitting in my living room chair crying. I finally ate lunch yesterday. And even though I didn't have to make fast food, I had hamburger and fresh potatoes, so I made cheeseburgers and fries. They were pretty good too.

I drank, I cried, I watched a lot of Sex and the City reruns. (Ashley suggested that. Apparently when your relationship is shitty, their screwed up personal lives will cheer you up. This is true, although I'm beginning to realize I am just as neurotic as Carrie Bradshaw, only with cheap shoes.)

Finally, some friends drug me out to go bowling. They said I needed to get out of the house. These were friends I had through Chris, so I figured this was just going to be a pity party.

So, I drove out to Dickson, and I only cried once. I had to call Chris because I couldn't get my car to start. He fixed it in about 40 seconds once he took my call. I was trying to be cordial, because in my mind I was supposed to give him space.

Let's just say he and I fought. He says he was mad that I didn't ask him and Shelby to do something when he got off work. That ball was in his court. I'm not the one who's confused, but I will be if I keep acting like there's nothing wrong.

In some ways I wish he would've left me in the dark and blindsided me if necessary. This just sucks. I still have hope that it'll be OK in the end, but I am not sure. Mostly I just secretly hope I will get hit by a truck so all of this isn't painful.

The way I look at it, I really can't "win." Because either he picks me and I spend my whole life with my "I'm Not Lisa" (do you know that Jessi Colter song?) worries, or he doesn't pick me. Either way, life sucks a little (or probably a lot).

But I can't worry about what may or may not happen. I can't mourn a relationship that's not yet dead (although I can't help by be offended and hurt that he is even giving this any consideration, considering that I am good to him and she had him put in jail). So, I'm trying to not to be hurt and offended, and I guess today we're going to the park. Although it's only 9:45, and I'm already a little pissed off.

See why I wish he'd have just not told me anything and just let me know when he was done with his deciding? It's like he's changed the dynamics of our relationship.

Honestly, I feel like I am going to invest more time and do everything right and love them and then all Lisa has to do is get a job.

Despite all the nightmares and the $10,000 in legal bills, all Lisa has to do is get a job.

I've put up with so much because of her. The temper tantrums, the nightmares, the tears. And now she's trying to ruin his life again.

I've never in all my 33 years, hated anyone before. And I hate Lisa with all the marrow in my bones. She's not a good mother, she doesn't love Chris and she is the shittiest wife in the history of shitty wives.

And, really, someone needs to teach her that she needs to be nice to other people. No one needs to enable her bull shit.

But whatever, it's not my decision. I'm just the person who's most likely going to get the short end of the stick.

It's all going to work out like it's supposed to. I'm going to try while I still can. I wish I could sabotage Lisa's job search the way that she's sabotaged Chris' with all her bull shit.

So, today we're going to the park. We're trying to coordinate our schedules, but I remember that just a few weeks ago, we just had one schedule. I'm not sure whether to take pictures. I don't want it to be like that Brad Paisley song ("Who Needs Pictures").

I just can't help but think that not getting our dream house a few weeks ago was a sign. Because there we were, so happy the real estate agent kept commenting on what a cute couple we were, and we said "If we don't get this house, then it just means it wasn't meant to be." At the time I meant the house, but now I'm thinking it's probably good that I didn't commit to live in HIS town for the next three to 30 years of my life.

It's probably for the best. The reason I wrote this post was because I just heard Reba sing "And Still" on CMT when I turned the TV on.

Maybe I should stick with Sex and the City reruns.

Friday, August 21, 2009


It's been a long week. At some point I need to talk about things here, but right now I don't want to. Work was long and busy, my personal life is falling apart at the seams, my brain is a puddle of goo and I don't know what to do. My head hurts.

I am supposed to go to Detroit, but I haven't left yet. I don't know if it's happening. I hope it does, because I need to get out of this damn house.

But if I can't, it gives me lots of time to pack up eight months worth of shit for two people.

I don't want to walk away, but fighting tooth and nail to stay isn't really working either.

I can't talk about it, because I just finally stopped crying. And right now, not crying feels really good.

Maybe I'll just go back to sleep.

I'm going to shush before I saw something that I shouldn't. Or cry. I don't want to cry.

Monday, August 17, 2009


I am doing this little online quiz/survey thing I saw on a friend's blog until I have time to think and write something "real." Of course, I'm also not really sure what I have to say right now, anyway.

1. What time did you get up this morning? Oh good Lord. I got up at 5:30 because I had to be at work at 6:40. Yuck.

2. How do you like your steak? Medium

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? I am pretty sure it was the Sex and the City movie last year

4. What is your favorite TV show? House

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? London

6. What did you have for breakfast? a cookie and a cup of coffee

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Mexican

8. What foods do you dislike? bananas, melon

9. Favorite Place to Eat? home

10. Favorite dressing? blue cheese

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? Chevy HHR

12. What are your favorite clothes? jeans and a t-shirt or sweatshirt

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Italy

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? usually half-empty

15. Where would you want to retire? Tennessee is fine

16. Favorite time of day?right before bed

17. Where were you born? born and raised in South Detroit...

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? hockey

19. Bird watcher? not at all

20. Are you a morning person or a night person? I hate mornings.

21. Do you have any pets? a domestic short hair named Portia P. Cat

22. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Not really. I am starting to talk to people to get some advice on a possible career move, but I really need to give it LOTS of thought.

23. What did you want to be when you were little? a lawyer (and, no, that is not the possible career move)

24. What is your best childhood memory? going to visit my grandparents

25. Are you a cat or dog person? I prefer dogs

26. Are you married? No. Not sure if that's going to happen.

27. Always wear your seat belt? ALWAYS!

28. Been in a car accident? Yes.

29. Any pet peeves? Liars. I have zero tolerance for liars. And people who clip their nails in public.

30. Favorite Pizza Toppings? onions, mushrooms, banana peppers

31. Favorite Flower? daisies

32. Favorite ice cream? Mackinac Island Fudge

33. Favorite fast food restaurant? Panera

34. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I failed the written test once.

35. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? I don't think I could do that.

36. Do anything spontaneous lately? Not really.

37. Like your job? I do like my job. I just worry that my career path is not sustainable in the long-term.

38. Broccoli? It's OK

39. What was your favorite vacation? Going to St. John with my girls

40. Last person you went out to eat with? Mistee, Jen and Ashley for Ash's birthday

41. What are you listening to right now? the TV

42. What is your favorite color? Blue.

43. How many tattoos do you have? none

44. Coffee Drinker? yes, but I just realized today that sometimes it gives me heartburn

45. What time did you finish this quiz? 10:38 p.m.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


So, when we last talked, I was telling you all about the trials and tribulations of me thinking I could actually have something in my life and going after it.

I spent my entire evening (except for a couple of hours helping Carol with a project) arguing with credit card companies, trying to explain to a girl in India that "First Federal Bank" is not any type of abbreviation, and looking for letters that were sent to me years ago indicating that I no longer owed such-and-such money.

And after yet another person blew sunshine up my skirt, I started to feel positive and even thought "If it only takes 10 days for Capital One to take this shitty stuff off my credit report, then maybe no one will buy my dream house and I will somehow magically get a loan and I can buy it."

So, I sent an e-mail to my two primary sunshine blowers: the lender and the real estate agent.

I could explain the whole convoluted story about how I came in touch with these people, but I stopped caring about 20 minutes ago, so let's move on. We can sum it up by saying that another real estate agent whom I'd contacted (but not hired in any way, shape or form) had her lender friend (They're a "team.") call me to get pre-qualified. This lender person happened to call me after I was leaving First Federal Bank (not an abbreviation) in tears because the loan officer basically told me that I was a big, giant loser and then offered to call my real estate agent to tell her I was a big, giant loser for me.

So the lender friend called, and I basically told him I was a big, giant loser. And he blew sunshine up my skirt and told me I wasn't. I also told him that I had kinda-sorta talked to this other real estate lady who was not his friend (She was just the lady from the agency with the dream house; I didn't see the point in wasting anyone else's time.), and everything was OK and I was getting a loan.

Whatever. I'm still not getting a loan and now I have 17,000 more pings on my credit report from all these jerks looking at it.

I don't know why I sent the e-mail telling them I thought I might get the stuff off my credit report and that I might be able to find a house. The lender isn't going to lend me anything, and my real estate agent isn't returning my calls anyhow. They've both given up on me. But I did. Maybe another dream house will come along or a money tree will magically appear in my yard.

You know, a miracle or something.

Anyhow, after I sent the e-mail saying, "Hey, if I suddenly am no longer a loser, then I can get pre-approved and get a house."

Didn't hear anything from the real estate agent. I guess she's out of sunshine to blow.

And I didn't hear anything from the lender either, but I DID get a letter from his real estate agent friend, BLASTING me for signing with another agent and how dare I try to get a loan with Steve and it was all my fault for not communicating with her.

So, I wrote her back and said, "I'm pretty much a loser, and I didn't want to waste anyone else's time. If something changes and I wouldn't rather eat hot shards of glass rather than attempt to purchase a home, I'll let you know."

But, at this point I've pretty much made my peace with being a loser, and this is really the last time I'm going to fret over what might've been, even though the air mattress that Chris and Shelby (and all my guests, really) use has sprung a leak; even though I would've loved for Chris to have been able to stay at my house and watch Portia today while she may or may not be sick. Whatever, I'm not getting a house, so I need to move on. I need to not log on to RealTracs and pretend I can afford anything there. I need to stop searching for predatory lenders to give me a home loan (yes, I stooped that low). I just need to be over it until I'm in a better place financially, which -- let's be honest -- will be never.

It's all good. And if it's not I'll just pretend.

And really, you think someone fighting for your business would give you a self-esteem boost, and it might've if I hadn't had to explain to ONE MORE PERSON that I am a loser and there is no business to give.

This has seriously been the most humiliating process I have ever gone through. And I keep looking at all these damn credit reports, and it says all that shit will go off there in 2015.

Although that's a long time to sleep on an air mattress with a hole in it...

Monday, August 10, 2009

It never ends.

So, last week I decided to buy a house.

And then everyone in the world dashed my hopes and dreams.

And now I'm sad.

I have been looking half-heartedly at the real estate listings for months. I would like to be in White Bluff because it's still close to Nashville and close to Chris' family. The problem is that it is becoming a bedroom community of Nashville and it's starting to get expensive. It's not nearly as expensive as Metro-Davidson, or the other nearby outlying counties, but it's not cheap.

So, last week I found a cute little pre-fab log cabin on an acre of land for a steal. I rushed around trying to put in an offer, secure financing, blah-blah-blah. And I keep hitting road blocks.

The first one would be people who were supposed to help me get shit off my credit report not doing it. Remember that credit card that I went back and forth with about whether or not it was paid off this time last year? Well, apparently when they sent me a letter telling me it was all paid off, they forgot to send one to the credit bureau, who told my lender that I still owed them $3,600 (I never owed them $3,600, but whatever). The next would be the student loan people who have put all kinds of odd stuff on there. I guess I will either get it fixed or live in someone's spare room the rest of my life.

Regardless, I spent all day Friday looking at houses (because the lender thought he could get me a loan on something else, but no he can't. Not like I liked anything else anyway), talking to people with money trying to convince them to give it to me, and crying. It's emotionally draining and a little dehumanizing begging strangers for money based on a little three digit number that may or may not reflect your value as a person.

What cracks me up is that it's so damn hard for me to get a manufactured home. Of all the people I know that have manufactured homes, I really think I am doing OK. Of course, maybe they are the ones who ruined it for everyone else, because I'm beginning to think that all of these folks with their subprime mortgage payments bigger than their monthly income have ruined it for folks like me who work really hard and just want a little starter home with a $350/month payment.

I'm just about over the whole thing. It was fun while it lasted, but I guess it isn't meant to be or it would've worked out. I don't really think driving back and forth between my house and Chris' and putting thousands of miles on my new car was really meant to be either, but it sure is looking at it.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love my nosy neighbors?

I just want to move. I just want to get all this crap off my credit report, even if it means paying bills that I don't actually owe (which I did agree to do today -- a doctor's bill that Blue Cross must've changed their mind about paying). I don't know if I'll ever get a house, but until then I can bunk up with Carlton in Uncle Phil's pool house all Fresh Prince-style.