Does anybody read these?

Friday, December 12, 2008

The final decision

Photobucket (This is Betty Crocker's picture, but my snickerdoodles look just like those!)

This is the cookie line-up. Production will begin this evening.
  • Potato candy
  • Caramels
  • Rum balls
  • Chocolate chip
  • Oatmeal scotchies
  • Chocolate crinkles
  • Snickerdoodles
  • Thumbprints
  • Mexican Wedding Cakes
  • Peanut butter blossoms

Am I forgetting anything? I can't remember what all I made last year. Oh, I need more Ziploc containers for all of this craziness. I have to get Cream of Tartar for the snickerdoodles tonight anyhow...

I'm trying to figure out if I can make chicken roti for dinner. I have some mango chutney I bought from Ruth, but I just have regular curry from Kroger. Although I said I was going to try my hand at grabbing a rotisserie chicken again tonight (no luck last night) and eating chicken salad all next week! (Of course, Kroger needs to have nicer-looking grapes for that to happen!)

In case you haven't...

I will spare you all yet another rant about my feelings on the auto industry "bail out." Needless to say, I am pretty perturbed about the whole situation right now. And any auto worker who voted for Bob Corker or Mitch McConnell should be ashamed. Not as ashamed as Corker and McConnell should be, but still... And for all those "NASCAR voters" who went with Caribou Barbie and Grandpa McCain, I hope you enjoy watching Hondas and Volkswagens race each other if the Big Three don't make it.

It looks like the government will not let the inaction of the Senate allow the auto industry to collapse. That would be wise. Because mark my words, we will have a Depression if the auto industry collapses. Our economy cannot afford that.

Anyhow, my whole point here was if you have not gone to, I urge you to do that. It's important that everyone understands what is going on here. It just seems like everyone who didn't grow up in an automotive household is confused about what is going on here. And, of course, this is really just a) a form of "class war fare," and b) a way to further erode the power of the Unions.

Song of the Day: "My Hometown" by Bruce Springsteen.

See? This is why.

As you may have recently noticed, I am disturbed by our country's obsession with weight. I think it's a good thing for people who are 400 pounds to lose weight however they have to. That's not healthy. But, I just got this article about Candace Cameron and how she lost all this weight in my e-mail. (How I got on US Magazine's mailing list is beyond me, because you know I am really not in to celebrity gossip at all.) Anyhow, Candace was a little chubby on "Full House" you know, 20 years ago, but she's never been obese. But, anyhow, Candace has lost 22 pounds all by herself.

I want you all to read the article.

COVER STORY: How Full House's Candace Cameron Lost Her "Chubby" Weight Friday December 12, 2008

Candace Cameron explains in the newest issue of Us Weekly how she went from what she calls a "chubby" child star to a hot mom of three!

The former Full House actress, 32, lost 22 pounds without the typical Hollywood help: trainers, surgery or a special diet prepared by a chef. Those perks, she says, are "not realistic" for most people, and she credits her own change in eating and exercise for her change.

Cameron - who currently weighs 110 pounds, and is "5'2" - says she began putting pressure on herself to lose weight as a teenager on the set of Full House.

"Then when I was 16, I filmed an episode of Full House where my family goes to Disney World. I remember putting on baggy overalls just to hide my stomach," she says. "When I watched it, I was pretty disappointed and bummed out looking at myself...I didn't feel good about my own body."

After trying trying to follow a diet plan without much success, Cameron turned to diet pills and "stuff like that, which never worked."

"You try bad things here and there," she admits.

Her weight roller coaster continued after after marrying Russian-born, former NHL player Valeri Bure in 1996.

"When I first met Val, I would eat as much food as him - but then he would play hockey for three hours!" she says. (Bure, 34, retired from the NHL in 2006, and started Bure Family Wines.)

Then Cameron - who, at her heaviest, weighed 132 pounds - struggled with weight during her first pregnancy to her daughter Natasha, who's now 10 years old. (She's also mom to Lev, 8, and Maksim, 6.)

To stay slim, the actress now eats an easy-to-do diet featured in the newest issue of Us Weekly, on stands now, and follows a basic program, also revealed in the magazine.

Even though she's now a size 0, Cameron still faces pressure in Hollywood to be even thinner. While filming her recent Hallmark Channel flick, Moonlight & Mistletoe, the female director would instruct Cameron to "Suck it in!" she says.

To see more amazing photos of Cameron's fit body after three kids, and get step-by-step instructions of her exact diet and workout plan, pick up the newest issue of Us Weekly, on stands now.

Is it any wonder, that I feel pressure to be thin? That any of us do? I am loving the trainer, and I have a suspicion it's going to be the best thousands of dollars that I have ever spent in my life. However, I just want to warn you all now that I am never going to be a size zero. Those of you who have met me in real life know that I am a big girl. Even before I was fat, I was always big. And my first-day-of-training assessment confirmed that. I have an athletic frame. Right now, I have 136 pounds of bones, skin and muscles. That's not going anywhere when I lose weight. All I'll lose is fat and probably build some more muscles. Sure, I'll be fit when I get done losing, but I'll never be some tiny little thing. Maybe that's why I hate that everyone thinks that the only thing to be is a tiny little thing. I think if you tell a size zero that she needs to suck it in, it's no wonder that everyone has body-image issues.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Endorphins are good.

I just got my ass kicked at water aerobics, but I liked it so much I'm going back tomorrow night. I'm making a special trip over to this side of town to get my ass kicked again tomorrow. And it'll be a double ass-kicking because I meet with Jenny at lunch time. Of course, I'm going home tonight and doing my two-mile walking DVD, so I guess I am just in to double ass-kickings.

I'm eating cottage cheese right now. I haven't been really hungry lately. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

I'm just going to work out because I like it and it makes me less of the Grade A bitch that I was this morning. If I happen to get thinner, than lucky for me. And really, I'm just doing this to prove that I can. To prove to the whole world that I can do whatever the fuck I want.

Cookie time!

I just wanted to say that it's time to make my Christmas cookies. I don't have to work Thursday or Friday night in Toyland, and I'm going to get started on the holiday baking.

It will be hard to not eat all the stuff that I make, but people have come to expect everything, so I have to make it. I find that giving someone $50/hour to torture you is good incentive to not eat junk and ruin all the hard work. That is good.

If anyone has any special requests, please let me know.

(These aren't my cookies. Maybe I'll take a picture of mine, but these are someone else's. They just looked nice.)


Tuesday, December 09, 2008

So, it begins.

I met with my trainer today. I like her a lot. She said pretty much what my last trainer said, which is that I'm strong and I have a lot of muscle. I just need to shed the fat.

So, that is what I'm going to do.

I just wanted to clarify and bitch a little. I don't mind my body. Sure, I wish I had less flabby parts, and I still get nervous when a man sees me naked. But, this is the only body I have, and I really am a lovely person on the inside and out, so I've learned to love myself. Yeah, we could all use improvement, but I am not wallowing in self-hatred at what I am currently working with. I love me. I have beautiful eyes. I am kind and loving, and really curves aren't that bad. I'd like them to be a little smaller, but I still want to have them.

However, there are so many people in this world who cannot see past the fat for whatever reason. And it's not just me. I think Oprah is lovely, but apparently she was on TV beating herself up about gaining weight. She is the most successful woman in the world, gives millions of dollars to charity, always looks fantastic, and she feels like she's not good enough because she's overweight. You know what? Not everyone gets to be a size 4, and the world should get used to it.

I hate that I am really losing weight because guys don't want fat chicks and people don't want to sit next to a big girl on the airplane. I hate it. But I feel like my back is against a wall, and I have no choice. I wish I could say that I just want to be healthier and I'm doing this because I'm worried about myself, but all I'm really worried about is snickers and stares. And yeah, I can say that I don't want to be with any guy who doesn't want me because of my looks, but I'm 32 years old and I'm not getting any younger and if guys think that girls have to be thin to be worthy of dating, then damn it, I guess I have to be thin. And even though my boyfriend didn't seem to feel that way, he also doesn't seem to want to be my boyfriend anymore, which means that it's time to get back on the horse. And the horse is not a Clydesdale.

I'm going to cry if I don't stop typing. That's what I always do when I think about how someone has fallen out of love with me for whatever reason. All I know is that when I ask when I can come visit (even though I swore it was his turn. I love him and I miss him) or yesterday when I told him that the doctor told me everything is OK if I wanted to start having babies, he doesn't have anything to say anymore. I'm not very smart about relationships, but I'm not completely stupid. If all of a sudden, you ignore someone when they have anything substantial to say about a relationship, it's because the relationship is no longer a priority for you. Which is fine. Whatever. I'm not begging anyone to love me, because it never works.

I just hate that I have to try again. I'm not sure that I want to because it's painful and it sucks. It always does, even when you think maybe it won't this time.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Forgot -- Christmas survey

I got tagged on this one a couple of times, but I've been too busy to do it. Tonight I'm super-lazy, so I'm going to do it.

Christmas Fun

1.) Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Gift bags. I'm the worst wrapper ever.

2.) Real tree or Artificial?
Artificial, but only because there are laws.

3.) When do you put up the tree?
I shoot for the first Saturday in December.

4.) When do you take the tree down?
I shoot for January 6, which is when Christmas is actually over.

5.) Do you like eggnog?
It's OK (unless it's soy nog)

6.) Favorite gift received as a child?
Barbie dream house

7.) Hardest person to buy for?
My brother Luke

8.) Easiest person to buy for?
My mom (she always gets a nutcracker)

9.) Do you have a nativity scene?
I have several in storage

10.) Mail or email Christmas cards?
I really don't do cards anymore. I know I should, but I never do.

11.) Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
these maroon velvet pants. Seriously, now.

12.) Favorite Christmas Movie?
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

13.) When do you start shopping for Christmas?
I just buy things when I see them.

14.) Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
Not really. I like to keep my junk. LOL.

15.) Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?

16.) Lights on the tree?
Yep, the colored ones.

17.) Favorite Christmas song?
"Little Drummer Boy" by Bing Crosby and David Bowie

18.) Travel at Christmas or stay home?
I have to travel to get home.

19.) Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?
Probably not.

20.) Angel on the tree top or a star?
It's normally an angel, but I have a star this year.

21.) Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
Usually somewhere in the middle. It depends when mom gets done wrapping.

22.) Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
Asshole customers in Toyland.

23.) Favorite ornament theme or color?

24.) Favorite for Christmas dinner?

25.) What do you want for Christmas this year?
Just for everyone to be happy and healthy. (I want another thing, but it's a secret.)

I know you've been waiting!

The party went well. There ended up being seven people, which I didn't think was bad for pulling it together at the last minute.

The tree looks very cute. Portia didn't seem too distressed about having strangers in her house this time. She does seem to gravitate toward people who are allergic to cats, though.

We decorated the tree, ate snacks, watched my box set of classic Christmas shows (Rudolph, Frosty, the Year Without Santa Claus) and then had the "Dirty Santa" exchange. Allen did a good job picking out a gift, considering he didn't know what Dirty Santa was at 2 p.m.that day. But, no one really stole anyone else's gifts, so that was kind of boring. But I think everyone really liked their gifts!

I learned that soy nog is disgusting. I couldn't even bring myself to waste bourbon in it. It was just gross. I don't think it had any spices, and the nutmeg is what makes egg nog rock. (Well, that and the bourbon.)

I went to the doctor today. It wasn't bad. I got three free NuvaRings, although I thought he might take them away. My BP was a little elevated, but I took along my log book that showed it has been 130/86 for a week, so that might've helped me plead my case. Needless to say, Dr. Moran thinks the personal trainer is a good idea.

I'm not sure I do anymore. I don't think that it's going to make any difference to anything but my pocketbook to pay someone to help me lose weight. It's not going to make anyone love me. It's not going to make anyone hate me less. It's just going to make me thinner and poor.

We'll see. I'll check it out tomorrow. I just don't know if it's going to work. I know I was all gung-ho last week, but I don't think that everyone else being an asshole about my weight is really a reason to work my ass off to shed a few pounds.

I really don't mind how I look. It's fine. If people don't want to be with me, it's their loss because I am a fantastic, wonderful woman. I don't want to be with anyone that shallow anyhow. Because eventually I'll gain the weight back and get left, and that would piss me off.

Friday, December 05, 2008

The stockings are hung...

No, they're actually not. I did see those mantle stocking holders at Walgreen's though. Of course, I don't actually have a stocking. But I could get one for me and Portia, and maybe Jane, too.

However, I'm stopping on the way home to get a block of cream cheese, a bag of cheddar cheese and some cranberry ginger ale, because it's almost party time.

I do, however, have baskets of ornaments in front of the fireplace and lighted garland hanging. And, in the morning I am going to put up the lights around the front door and the tree before all the people come.

This is going to be a great party. I'm going to take pictures. You'll feel like you were there.

I'm also adding deviled eggs to the menu. Ignore the easter egg plate! It's all I have due to the storage situation. (It's Jane's.)

And potato candy. Super yum.

Party menu

Not like you care about the menu for a party you're not coming to because you live too far away, but I figured that you all eat and can tell me if I'm forgetting something.

Little smokies in orange barbecue sauce
Shrimp Cocktail
Spinach artichoke dip
Cheese and crackers (cream cheese and Blind Betty's Caribbean pepper jelly and my mom's famous cheddar cheese spread!)
Chips and salsa
Spiced cider (with or without rum)
Christmas cookies

I don't think that's too much. It should be great. I thought about doing chicken wings, but the little smokies and shrimp will be easier. I just hope I have enough shrimp. The cocktail rings were buy one, get one free, and I just got two 20-piece jumbo shrimp rings.

Since you asked...

I've been meaning to do this, so thanks for the reminder. (You know who you are!)

All of our vacation photos can be perused by going to

Ignore my cankles, please. The salty air and humidity make me puffy.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

O Christmas Tree


For those of you who have known me for a while, you probably also know that I used to have a pretty awesome Christmas Party every year. I had all kinds of different things to eat, lovely decorations and, due to my awful lack of planning the very first year, we always trimmed my tree. If the party ended early enough, we'd go out and drive around looking at Christmas lights afterward. It was tons of fun.

I haven't done that since I moved here. When I lived at Carol's, she went all-out with the decorating the day after Thanksgiving. And working at Cool Springs' Land of Misfit Toys really did a number on my social life.

So, this year I'm pretty much by myself. My "normal" decorations are all in storage, although I have bought some inexpensive balls and a pre-lit tree for the house. And, it's totally last-minute, but I've decided that it's time to resurrect my annual tree-trimming party. This morning I found the perfect evite and sent it out, and I already have my first "yes" response. So, I'm hoping that at least a few folks will show up, but I know fun will be had.

If you live in Nashville and are reading this and have no Saturday evening plans, feel free to come over. There'll be Christmas music, spiced cider, tasty appetizers and decorating the tree while the fireplace keeps us cozy. What more could you want?

Maybe next year I'll get some of my stuff out of storage and it'll be the huge affair that it usually is. I'm just coming off our Thanksgiving feast, so this will be a scaled-back version, but it will still be fun!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

The struggle...

I never wanted this to be a blog about diet and exercise. You see, while I'm usually on a diet and sometimes I like to exercise, that's not who I am. And even though it's about to take up a huge chunk of my time, it won't ever be everything that I'm all about.

But, as I was eating my cottage cheese and pear this morning, I realized that I want to share this journey with all of you. Partly because it will give me something to write about without worrying about offending crazy people (oops, that probably offended them too. Oh well!), and partly because I know that my friends who read my blog will support and encourage me.

OK, I'm doing this mostly because I know that you will all support and encourage me. In fact, I secretly suspect that I'm going to need everyone in my life to be on-board for this to work.

And, I have a super-big vested interest in reaching my goals. You see, now that I've decided to do 8 Tuff Miles in 2010, that means no St. John trip in 2009. So, either I make the race or I'll end up waiting almost two years for my next trip. That should be enough incentive to stay with my training here. Of course, so should the health benefits and not having to endure the rude comments of assholes and being passed over by people who can't see past my fluffy exterior.

It's not going to be easy. I'm not naive. But I've done it before, and I know I can do it again. I'm not worried about the physical struggles because your body rewards you for eating right and taking care of it. So, I eat less chocolate; I'll live. I'm just looking forward to not worrying about some of the emotional stuff anymore. Not that being thin will solve all my problems, but I know there are things in life that will be better if I'm smaller.

Mostly, I just want to buy underwear at Victoria's Secret again. I have lots of great underwear, but I miss being able to get stuff there.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

That's love

Holy hell.

I must really love myself, because starting Tuesday I am paying a gal named Jenny $50 an hour to torture me.

Yes, I have a new personal trainer, and I am going to start meeting her on my lunch break. She thinks we need to do two sessions per week, and I told her we'd do that to get started but might have to cut down to one at some point.

Of course, this means that I'll have to clean my own damn house because I can't afford Jenny and a cleaning lady. That makes me want to go home and mop.

I'm trying to figure out if I should come up with my own food plan or work on that with Jenny. I need to come up with something.

Oh, and I think I mentioned that as part of my new quest for better health that I am getting back to my half-marathon training. The plan is to do the Country Music Marathon here in April and then Detroit in October. In 2010, I want to do 8 Tuff Miles on St. John and the Las Vegas Half-Marathon. I need to just always be training for a race, and then I'll have no time to get lazy.

I know I can do it if I put my mind to it. I have worked on everything else. I'm doing well financially; I have a good job that I love; and I'm happy with myself inside, so now it's time to work on the outside.

I'm not doing it because I'm miserable. I'm doing it because I know I can do it, and I want to be a better person.

I've made a lot of decisions in the last year or so to help me be a better person. After some of them, 13.1 miles in four hours is nothing.

(Of course, this means that my 2009 St. John trip will most likely actually be in 2010. It's expensive to travel in season, and I'm not camping at Cinnamon if I have to run the most excruciating race of my entire life. Besides, I suspect that Jenny the personal trainer could possibly break me before then.)

It's all about me!

Just in case anyone was confused: This blog and all of its contents are all about me.

And, you know what else? My life is about to become all about me too.

I'm single, and there's no one else to take care of me. I really don't see that changing, and I'm fine with that.

In the past year, I have paid off all of my credit cards except one, and I think that's pretty damn good. And that one? I'm not using it, and I'm whittling it down every month. I'm also down to about four more car payments, and I'm really hoping that once I get done paying for that, I might be able to work a little less. Although I do like the idea of banking all the extra money.

This year, I finally grew comfortable with my own skin. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was happy about the person that I am. Unfortunately, I realize now that's not good enough for the rest of the world. Because the world hates fat people. I know that's blunt, but I'm not blowing sunshine up my own skirt, because I love myself and I owe it to myself to not lie. If I don't lie to other people, why would I lie to myself? That's silly.

People don't want to hire fat people. Men don't want to date them. Even if they seem to love you, you can't compete with a hot, young thing when you're 32 and fat. You just can't. So, you might be the hot thing for a while, and then you're seeing another woman's purse in your boyfriend's vacation photos.

And besides, I could be healthier. Really, I could. So, I'm hiring a personal trainer. I don't know if it'll work, but one thing's for damn sure: This is my next big project. And every other project I've worked on lately has kicked ass, so I think this will too.

I really am doing this for me. It's not going to get easier as I get older. I don't want more problems than I already have. But I'm not going to lie and say that I'm just so fucking sick of listening to everyone treat overweight people like they are lazy and worthless. I'm just over the bullshit. And, I'm not lazy and worthless.

So, I'm going back to TOPS, and I'm hiring a personal trainer. And if I haven't had a marked improvement by May, I'll just go get my little lap band surgery and fix it that way. It's just time for a new me.

I hope you'll all be behind me.

Monday, December 01, 2008


I'm still pretty worn out. I've got lots done at work, so I thought I'd take a break. I am thinking I'm probably not going to turn my computer on at home tonight, so I figured I'd check in.

I have a friend who used to have a blog somewhere on the Internet, and she used to move it a lot. Anytime someone she didn't want to know about the blog would figure out about the blog, she'd just move it and e-mail everyone and tell them where to find her. I always thought that was so crazy.

But, in some ways, it makes sense. So does making this blog private, which seems a more likely course. Hell, if it were private, maybe I'd really talk about what I'd like to talk about. Actually, I really say whatever it is that I'm feeling anyhow, which is why instead of having friends reading my blog, I have people with nothing better to do camping out here waiting to pounce on everything they interpret to be offensive. If those people still talked to me, I would kindly tell them: "None of it's about you," and continue to move on with my life.

I told you a while ago that part of me craves anonymity again, but doesn't want to give up my real and virtual support networks, both of whom check in here and on my MySpace. But, the thing about being a writer is that if no one reads what you write -- does it really matter? Because I'm not sure that it does. And, frankly, I suck at keeping a journal. That's why I like all of you. Whenever I go and buy a fancy book and a nice pen, I might eek out a few sentences before I lose interest. But here, if I decide I don't want to write, I can count on Cindy and Speez to e-mail me and ask me to update my blog. I need that accountability.

I want to write good stuff again, instead of ramble on about bullshit.

So, maybe I will turn the computer on at home tonight (after I work out and clean, of course). Because I want you to hear the McGavock Pike story that I promised yesterday. If I can get the words out like what's in my brain, I think you'll all find it to be a look inside my soul.

And besides, sometimes it's nice to toss a bone to those who think it's all about them.

(Validating your decisions usually feels pretty good, too.)