Does anybody read these?

Friday, May 30, 2008

No flip-flops?!?

So, I think I mentioned that I've been having some pain in my foot. Well, yesterday after my ankle swelled to the size of a grapefruit and I wasn't really sure how I was going to walk to the bathroom, I broke down and called the doctor.

Because I'm a big gal and I've been working out, I figured it was a stress fracture. (You are more likely to get a stress fracture in the first two weeks of a new workout routine than any other time in your life, especially if you're fat.)

But it's not. I have pulled a tendon, most likely from the treadmill, which is apparently more of a torture device than I thought. It has been banned indefinitely. For now, I have to use the exercise bike, and then I can ease myself into the elliptical and walking on the track.

Of course, the worse part of my treatment plan involves footwear. Apparently wearing slides to the doctor was not the appropriate choice. No slides or flip flops until this heals. I have to have arch support. She really wants me to wear tennis shoes, and she made a face when I asked about Birkenstocks. I think she said Teva makes a sandal with support, but I am not buying new sandals. Arggh.

At least I'm still on for the Vision Walk, which is very good. AND I made my fundraising goal with my last-minute push. Next year I'm going to put more effort in and rock it, I promise!

Last night, as I was driving home I got a text. All it said was "Hey," but I replied because I really, really want to be wrong about someone falling out of love with me. And here was a text, totally unsolicited, that was obviously soliciting something.

Here's an abbreviated transcript.

Him: Hey
Me: Hey right back at ya
Him: Whatcha doin'?
Me: Driving home from work (yes, I know texting and driving is bad!). You?
Him: Nada
Me: I can't wait to get home and stick my foot in some ice.
Him: Aww.
Him: The Red Wings lost 3-2.
Me: So, they'll probably win in six, like you said and not four. Did you ever figure out what you wanted to win in our little bet?
Him: No
Me: Surely you can think of something you want me to give you...


More silence.

Check to see if phone is broken.

More silence.

Tell phone to go fuck itself and go to bed.

Phone beeps right as I'm falling asleep. Get excited and grab it, only to see it's a message from Ashley telling me we should go to the movie tomorrow before dinner.

Why did I even try? Why did he even try? Obviously something has changed if he can't even tell me anything that he'd want from me if he won a bet. This is just not the person I fell in love with. And since I'm never going to figure out what I did wrong and nothing's ever going to change, I need to do a little better at ignoring his messages.

I should ask him for pointers, because I've been back from the doctor for two hours, and he's had nothing to say about the fact that my foot is not broken.

I'm off to find a recipe for Cosmos for my Sex and the City party tomorrow. Our tickets have been purchased, so I'm sleeping just a little bit better now!

P.S. My blood pressure was normal when I went to the doctor today. And unbeknownst to everyone, yesterday was the first day in about a week that I've taken my meds. Maybe as soon as I get back on track with the gym and start losing weight, it'll be OK for good.

Thursday, May 29, 2008


So, my week of birthday celebrations has finally ended. Last night was a blast. We went to Big River for dinner, and Mistee brought me a birthday princess crown and lei and Mardi Gras beads that had a shot glass on them that said "Another Birthday Shot?" Needless to say, I was the life of the party.

And birthday shots are fun, except when everyone makes fun of you for having Crown because Jack Daniels reminds you of someone who's making you grumpy.

He sent me a text at 7:14 this morning, by the way. I'm not sure what to say, so I haven't replied.

The evening concluded with Mike, Keith and Ben singing the entire Rent soundtrack at Lonnie's, of all places! Someone kept cheering while they sang, and I couldn't figure out who would do that when three gay guys sing Broadway hits at a honkytonk, until we got back to our seats and this guy (who was very cute, by the way) hit on Keith. Keith proclaimed him "too old," we went on our way. Because I needed my precious slumber, I dropped them all at Play and headed home, where I don't even remember falling asleep.

Because I got the most amazing and super-generous birthday present ever, tomorrow I am going to completely re-do my bathroom. I have to stop at Bed, Bath and Beyond to pick up a few things, but it's going to be really cool. After that, I plan to tackle my bedroom. I'm hoping it'll feel very island-y, and the next six months will fly by.

Last night, in my mojito-and-whiskey-induced stupor, I shared a little secret with Mike and Mistee. You see, when I walked in the bar there was this cute, big guy singing on the stage, and at first I thought he was that guy I hooked up with ages ago and it went horribly wrong. Then they called him Chad, and it was OK. Especially because he was very cute. He was cuddly-looking and funny. He even told me there was no way I was 32 when Emma announced it to the whole bar. (You wear a birthday crown; people ask.) But I realized, as I proclaimed him "Tambolicious" to which Mistee replied "Look! He even smokes!" that I keep hooking up with cuddly guys with ball caps and cigarettes because I miss that little SOB. Not like there's much I can do about it, but I do. Maybe someday I'll find a suitable replacement who doesn't tell me how cute I am and make all these promises only to tell me a few weeks later that I just need to leave him alone.

Maybe, we'll see. If you know anyone who fits the bill, let me know. The guy from last night might've been OK until he told me he had to leave because he had to go to school the next day. I'm guessing he might be a tad bit young for me.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008


First off, I am grateful that Mike is coming from Atlanta to hang out with me. I will try very hard to not be anti-social, even though all I really want to do is tell everyone to stay home so I can order a pizza and watch hockey by myself.

Now that I've gotten all the positivity out of my system, I wanted to share something that I read this morning. By now, everyone should know that there are really very few things that I detest more than being lied to. And everyone seems to be doing it. I think there is something about me that makes people want to lie to me. Maybe it's because I swear that I'm going to start reading people the riot act when I catch them, but instead I just walk away. At least after the whole crazy Kym fiasco I walk away instead of stick around. I guess that's progress.

This was my daily inspiration in my inbox today:

Trust is the foundation of all relationships. Without trust you have nothing, and you sure can't build an effective team. Trust is formulated by making deposits into the Emotional Bank Accounts of others. High trust cultures are ones where there is creative excitement, high levels of synergy, and positive energy flowing in all directions. Low trust cultures are filled with toxic energy, a contentious spirit, and people who are extremely de-motivated. So how do you deposit into the account with others:

1. Make and keep your commitments
2. Affirm and validate the potential in others
3. Be there at the crossroads of people's lives when they need you the most
4. Remember, the little things are the big things.
5. Walk your own talk

The more trust you build with others the more INFLUENCE you will have with them.

*** Hi, it's me again after our little diversion about how relationships without trust are toxic. Toxic. Very interesting word choice. That's what everyone tells me.

I shouldn't have to spend weekends where I don't hear from my boyfriend wondering what or whom he's doing while I'm 600 miles away, why used to talk to me all day long and answer my e-mails and he doesn't anymore. And there's got to be some reason why I could spend a weekend showing one person more trust than I ever have in my life only to get home and have him deny my request to be my friend on MySpace. I probably should've just dumped him then. Lately, I just get this feeling that I'm a big joke to him, that he and his friends are sitting around laughing at my expense, but I really hope that is just me being paranoid.

Once trust is gone, it's just gone. I hate that I can't trust him because I love him so much. There's just this nagging pit in my stomach. For some reason he doesn't want to see me, and honestly even though I miss him dreadfully, I know I need to just let it go. For some reason...

It's not just him, though. You all know that I had one friendship that I've tried to salvage, but I'm not sure how that's going to turn out. It's really hard to even have a conversation with someone when you're not sure if you can trust them. I just don't know. It seems less toxic than usual, so that's good, but it's not easy.

Now it looks highly probable that another friend is lying to me. I'm not sure what the truth is, and I hate that. I just hate the whole thing, and I don't get why someone would lie to me, especially about stupid bullshit. I'm just not sure what I'm going to do about it.

A big, huge part of me wants to grow some balls and just start telling people off. But how do you do that to people you care about? Because even though they're shitty and probably really don't care about you, they are still people who have been a part of your life...

I'm just venting. I don't want to do anything but sit at home and cry and instead I am here at work trying not to cry. I just hope I'm cheered up by 7 p.m. or this will be the shittiest birthday party ever.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I can't.

I can't anymore.

True, maybe I don't really know what love is. The only other person I've ever been in love with was a gay man.

But in both cases there were butterflies in my stomach, late-night phone calls, holding my hand when we walked down busy streets. There was cuddling up on the couch watching TV and falling asleep with my head on his chest and waking up to him snoring, feeling like I was in the safest place in the world.

The butterflies are gone. Everything good is gone. I don't feel safe anymore.

All I've got now is tears, and I feel like I'm not worth anything and that I made a big mistake.

I can't tell anyone this because I'd get the whole "I can't believe you're trying to end this" lecture, and I can't hear that one more time either.

I have given all I have to give. I don't know where another tear would come from. Every last ounce of effort I have put in has not been enough, quite simply because relationships are partnerships, and I don't really have a partner. I can't give 99.5 percent and be satisfied with .5 percent in return.

I just can't.

I don't know what happened. It doesn't matter. It wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything but love. Probably way too much, but no one's ever been faulted for that.

Remember the story about the friends I walked away from because there was no point in fighting with them? Remember the friend that I let walk away simply because I loved her too much to hurt her by telling her what she'd done wrong?

Yeah, I've just got to go.

Someday maybe there will be someone I trust enough to give my whole heart to. Maybe there won't. One day I'll stop hurting and it will be OK, but the roller coaster has got to end.

I don't feel loved anymore. I feel used. And even in my limited experience with love, I know that's not how it's supposed to be.

It's just over, whether he knows it and/or accepts it or not. I have to stop doing this to myself, because that's all I'm doing is letting myself get hurt over and over again.

I know I'm supposed to be trying to be positive, and that's gone horribly wrong.

I guess I'm grateful that I've realized that and I'm going to try to get back on the right track.

I'll never forget how excited he was when I came to visit him. I'll never forget how sweet he was the weekend I met him. I'll never even forget last week when he called me and he told me he loved me. But none of that can make up for cancelling plans and acting like I'm a nuisance. I shouldn't be a nuisance; I should be as much of a priority in his life as he's been in mine.

I should be, but I don't think I am. And this isn't me sabotaging my relationships. I'm not the saboteur here. Not at all.

Song of the day: "Why They Call it Falling" by Lee Ann Womack.

Like Monday, but really Tuesday

I'm grateful that I made it home in one piece.

I'm grateful that the Red Wings are up 2-0 in the Stanley Cup finals.

That's about it right now. I need a nap.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


I'm grateful for birthday cupcakes and buttercream frosting.

I'm grateful that I didn't fly off the handle before my boyfriend called to wish me a happy birthday and remind me that he loved me. I guess I needed a little reminding lately.

I'm grateful for awesome friends who will pick a girl up or drop her off at the airport so she doesn't have to pay a zillion dollars to park.

I'm grateful that I'm almost done with my work so I can enjoy my weekend.

I'm grateful for reconciliations and new beginnings.

I'm grateful for my brothers.

I'm grateful f0r Southwest and their $59 fare sale.

I'm grateful for leaving crap at my parents' so I can just pack a carry-on.

I'm grateful for awesome new restaurants.

And, while you will all miss me dreadfully, I am grateful for four computer-free days.

Monday, May 19, 2008

The funk.

I'm grateful that it really does get easier everyday.

Yes, my life hit a bit of a spin cycle recently. I had a friend decide she hated me over a guy who seems to have moved on to bigger and better things. It was rough here for a while.

But I don't think I'm depressed. For the most part, my life is not bad. That friend and I are going to try to go out to supper tomorrow for my birthday. I don't know what's going to happen, but I wasn't the one who picked the fight. I did learn a lot of things I probably would've been better off not knowing about our friendship, but I'm not one to walk away from people.

That's definitely one of my vices.

I really honestly wish that I thought I could go to the doctor and she'd really have a pill that would improve my feelings lately.

But if there were a pill that cured falling in love with someone and then having your heart ripped out, I think the inventor would be a gajillionaire.

It gets easier everyday. I don't suspect that I'll ever completely not feel like a chump over the events of the past few months, but if bad relationships didn't hurt, we'd keep getting into them.

I'm not sure I'll ever trust anyone enough to let the walls down again, but maybe there's someone really special out there and he and I will have our paths cross.

I'm just old, cynical and jaded. And why shouldn't I be?

I haven't told anyone all of it. Not all of it. It's too hard. But it's just mistake after mistake after mistake to the point that my trust mechanism is beyond jacked up. It's never going to be easy for me to trust a friend, share a secret or climb into bed with a man ever again, and maybe that's not a terrible thing.

We've already determined that people treat me like shit because I have created an environment where they think that it's OK.

No one deserves that. So until further notice, the walls are back up. I'll be fine, I promise. I'm already doing better.

There's no song of the day. The only song I've listened to all day is "Johnny & June" by Heidi Newfield, and it's not fair to spoil all the warm and fuzzy feelings about love with my commentary. It'd be nice to have that, but I suspect it was unique to Johnny and June.

Day whatever...

I'm grateful that I don't turn my computer on most weekends.

I'm also grateful that it's not going with me this week. And that my cell phone doesn't work.

Not that I don't love you all, I just get sad that whenever it rings it's not the person I want to talk to.

It probably won't ever be again; but the longer it is, the more that's OK. But I'll be damned if anyone is ever trying to pin the blame on me again. It's not because I'm insecure; it's because he sends my calls straight to voice mail and doesn't reply to my texts. I'm not paranoid; I'm justified. Love just isn't ever going to be enough, and it's all I have to give.

Oh, and in totally non-related news, did you see Barack Obama told the Republicans to stop picking on his wife? Is he running for mayor of Candyland or for president. What was Al Gore's campaign song?

Oh yeah, "You ain't seen nothin' yet."

Isn't Edmund Muskie one of the reasons we have superdelegates, anyhow. Just saying, that's all...

Friday, May 16, 2008


I just got this e-mail, and I thought that it was something I should share, all things considered. It comes from Micheal Burt, a motivational speaker who talked to us at work a few months ago. His Web site is if you have the desire to hire a motivational speaker any time soon. I think you can sign up for his daily inspirational e-mails there, too.

The past is finite. The future is infinite. I don't know specifically where each of you have been or where you are going. I do know that in life we will all face unwanted outcomes. That is the stimulus. Between that stimulus and our response is OUR space and in that space lies our ability to choose our response to what happens to us.

Here are your three choices:

1. Allow the event to forever DISPIRIT you.

2. Allow the event to just get you back to NORMAL.

3. Use the event as a DEFINING MOMENT in your life to forever be changed for the positive.

I know it's hard but choose wisely. I close with one of my favorite sayings, "WE only get one life, but if we work it just right one is all we will ever need."

Best of luck the next time you have an unwanted outcome in your life. Now you have a new tool set to get different results.

(P.S. I'm grateful I didn't just knock my cottage cheese container off my desk. What a mess that would've been!)

I'm a little grateful today.

I am trying to be positive, but I still don't have time to blog.

I went to work yesterday morning and didn't get done until 11:15 p.m. at Toyland. Loooonnnggg day. I did get to go to a nursing home and hang out with patients for National Nursing Home Week. That was cool. They play sports on the Nintendo Wii so they can exercise, and they rock it with wheelchair races. I enjoyed myself.

I didn't get to the gym yesterday, but that's OK because my thighs are still burning from my foray into running. But, it's a good pain, and I'm going back for more at lunch time.

I am trying my hand at making my own barbecue pork shoulder, which is cooking at home in my crock pot right now.

My phone hasn't rang in two days, not even for a little text message. It's OK though. I decided that never, ever again am I tolerating someone making me feel like our relationship issues are my fault. Because they aren't all my fault. It takes two. And when I ask what I'm doing wrong, and I'm told everything is fine, then it needs to be fine. Or it needs to be over. It's not fine, so I'm guessing it's over. Maybe someone will notice that I'm missing, but it's too little, too late. I just wish that love was enough, you know? I just can't do it all myself, and frankly I'm beyond pissed that plans were canceled without an explanation last week. But I suspect I wouldn't want to hear the explanation, even if it were given. What's that old Kenny Chesney song ... "A Woman Knows"?

I just really don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, so I'm going to trust that God has a plan for me, and I've not yet stumbled onto it. Fingers crossed.

The Bible Park that my coworker has been fighting just might not happen. I thought it was a bad idea, but they weren't building it in my front yard. I just hope that it's really over, because people got really nasty about it. So, I'm grateful for the nine smart Rutherford County Commissioners.

I'm grateful for business casual attire in the summer, not that I have mastered business casual or that anyone here seems to follow the dress code for the rest of the year. Oh well. I have cute skirts and sandals that I can't wait to wear.

I'm trying a new massage place tonight because the massage school is having some sort of problem. And then I think I'm going home and going to veg on my couch and watch a movie. I like being at home most days. It's nice, but it does get a little lonely.

I'm going to go to 5 p.m. mass tomorrow. Just to make sure I get there. I need to be better about getting to church...

I'm also grateful for body scrub, coffee pots that make the coffee while you sleep and 24-hour Krogers.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Hump Day

I'm grateful this week is half over.

I'm grateful that my car passed its emissions test, and all of my car registration nonsense for 2008 has been completed.

I am going to the gym today at lunch. I didn't make it yesterday because I was cursing being a woman and had my birthday lunch.

I'm grateful my friends love me and bought me the perfect birthday gift (a picture frame with sea shells for a vacation picture) and some body lotion called "Hula Girl" that smells like coconuts.

I'm grateful that Hillary Clinton seriously kicked Obama's ass in West Virginia yesterday. She may not get the nomination, but I sure as hell hope that she raises issues about his competency and electability, because I'm not loud enough to do it all by myself. We have a long row to hoe before November, folks.

I think I might have anxiety disorder, and I'm going to talk to my doctor about it. I just don't think all the worrying and how I react to situations is normal. But maybe I am just worrying too much and looking for a name for the fact that I come from a long line of worry-warts. (Although mental illness is hereditary and my dad's worry-wart disposition IS anxiety disorder.)

Yesterday, Mike and I planned most of my birthday extravaganza, which will be May 28, here in Nashville. I'll be gone for my birthday, and he'll be in town the 28th, so we're planning something then. So far I have 4 RSVPs. Yay! I feel loved. If you like supper with a bunch of crazy folks and karaoke madness, let me know! (I hear a rumor there could might be binge drinking, if that's your thing... I don't like it, you know.)

I got another offer for my birthday, but since I'll be off when Mike is here and for the Vision Walk, I just don't know I can miss another day in Toyland. I'm just getting back from vacation, and I'll be super-broke! It was appreciated, though. We'll see how my schedule plays out.

For the most part, I'm doing well today. I think everything is going to be fine. You just have to trust God that everything will turn out like it's supposed to, right?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

St. John

I'm grateful that I'm going back to St. John in November. At least I'm hoping that the airlines will cooperate. Fingers crossed.

Anyhow, this is a picture of the kids' bedroom in our house, on which I have already called dibs. Look at the view.


Can you believe I'm doing this?

These are from yesterday. I'm grateful that I rarely turn on my computer at home anymore.

I'm grateful that my house is relatively clean. It'd be cleaner, but I ran out of laundry soap. No big deal, though.

I'm grateful that I lost a pound last week.

I'm grateful that I'm sticking to this excercise routine. (Although I didn't make it to the gym today. I'll work out when I get home tonight.)

I'm grateful that I got to bed at a decent hour last night. (By decent, I mean that all my chores were done at 9 p.m., then I took a shower and was asleep by 10.)

I'm grateful that I got to talk to the Y-chromosome who complicates my life. I still don't know what all that means, but I'm trying. I felt loved yesterday, which is more than I can say for some days lately.

I'm grateful that I felt the urge to take my medicine last night for the first time in who-knows-how-long.

So far today, I'm grateful that my medicine for my cramps/PMS has kicked in and that I am going to lunch for my birthday. It's a week early, but Crystal will be gone next week and Shay could have her baby at any time, so we're having it today.

I'm also thankful that New Kids on the Block's new song will allegedly be on iTunes today.

Sunday, May 11, 2008


I'm grateful that today is over and I get to go to bed now.

See, I'm still being positive.


I didn't read my horoscope, but the subject of the e-mail is: Forcing an issue could backfire.

I'm just keeping my mouth shut. I am not saying a word. It's tempting, but not worth it. I should want to tell people when they hurt me and how that makes me feel, but sometimes it's just not worth it.

I'm just letting it be. I'm not expending anymore energy.

And I'm thankful that I realize that's the right direction to take here.

More thankfuls later.

P.S. I'm also thankful to be rekindling my friendship with Erin, who left a comment here yesterday. She's a very cool chick, and I'm hoping I'll get to see her soon.


These are from yesterday.

I'm thankful for all my Toyland friends and that I am going to transfer to the Toyland closer to my home in a few weeks.

I'm thankful that I got to see Carter and Kelly for the first time in ages.

I'm thankful for chicken biscuits at Perkins, even if that's all I got to eat all day yesterday. (Those salads DID look good, though.)

I'm thankful that I ROCKED IT in bowling last night, and I plan to bowl more often.

I'm thankful Mistee called me last night and talked to me until I arrived safely at home.

I'm thankful for my new PJs, which are very comfy and cute.

I'm thankful that my phone didn't ring in the middle of the night, even though I wished it, because I don't need to go there anymore.

Friday, May 09, 2008


I was catching up on blogs during a sanity break, and one of my IIFs had posted a challenge on her blog. Every day for 30 days, you have to post what you are grateful for. At least one thing. EVERY day. For a month. Even when the day is totally shitty, you have to find one thing that you are thankful for.

I know I haven't been very positive lately, and I can't promise that every single post is going to be 100-percent roses and sunshine, but I will try to find one good thing everyday, both here and in real life.

Today I'm thankful that I have friends who love me.

Today I'm thankful that my friend Jan from Michigan is supposed to be coming through Nashville on her cross-country adventure.

I'm thankful that I don't have to work in Toyland tonight.

I'm thankful that my bag salad held out until lunch today. (It said best by 5/7/08 on the wrapper.)

I'm thankful that I went to the gym and turned my negative energy into a great workout.

I think that's enough. All things considered, it hasn't been a bad day.

What everyone needs to know

I'm messy. The back seat of my car is filled with shit. I'll leave clothes on your floor. And, for the love of God, don't look in my closet.

I have gray hair, laugh lines and saggy boobs. They're big, but gravity has not been kind.

I sometimes drink too much, but I'm generally very friendly when I do. This can be a good thing, or a bad thing, depending.

I get scared. I freak out. But I find that 95 percent of the time I'm not paranoid.

I love Bill Clinton, and I'm hanging on to the dream of Hillary until the bitter end -- only because Al Gore won't listen to the post-its I leave on his mailbox.

I'm sarcastic and have a crazy sense of humor (in case you didn't get the part about Al Gore and the post-its). I will make you laugh, probably by being a huge dork, but don't count out not making it into my stand-up routine. (Of course, that's not terribly scary, as I don't actually do stand-up because I forget the bits to my routine before I can write them down.)

You might eventually make this blog. And if you hurt my feelings, I might call you an asshole.

I like to talk, but I understand if you tell me to shut up. But if I like you, I might not have much to say. I might also talk out of my ass. You just never know.

I don't really like scary movies. They're only tolerable if someone will let me cuddle. And don't make fun of my shrieking.

I'm a good cook.

I will probably cuss in front of your mama or your sister's kid. I don't mean to, it just comes out.

I work too much. I know this, but I'm looking forward to being practically debt-free by the end of the year. This also means I probably don't have any money to lend you.

I love flowers. Daisies and yellow roses. Especially on my birthday. It's in 12 days, if you were wondering.

I try to go to church every Sunday, and my Catholic faith is important to me. I'm not changing my mind about that. If I'm blessed with kids, they'll be Catholic too.

I know I'm fat, but I'm working on it. I've been going to the gym everyday, and I know every single way you can eat a salad. I'm also an expert on Lean Cuisines. I'm hoping I'll lose 50 pounds by the end of the year.

I love Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Ben Stiller and anyone else who can make me laugh.

I've had a huge crush on Marky Mark Wahlberg since I was in 10th grade, and I am peeing my pants with excitement over the New Kids on the Block reunion this year. (Has anyone seen my giant button?)

I love chocolate, although the closest I come to it right now is a fat-free pudding cup (see above).

My ideal night is making supper, cuddling up on the couch and watching movies. My ideal Saturday afternoon is a barbecue at my house.

I hate doing dishes and laundry, but I have to eat and no one wants to see me naked.

My biggest hero in the whole wide world is my grandma, a first-generation Polish-American who died because she was afraid of doctors. The only day she ever missed church was the day she died. She loved me because I was the first grandkid (out of 40+) to go to Catholic school. Of course, long after she died, my daddy told me to stop repeating that because Kay and Donna went to St. Bernard's with him. But still, she sent me saint medals in the mail and shared her Planters Cheese Balls with me. She died when I was in first grade, and it wasn't until junior high when my Immaculate Heart of Mary medal fell off. She gave it to me because the IHM nuns taught me in grade school and high school.

In some ways, I am very much the typical Catholic school girl, but I'm not putting out on the first date anymore. So don't even ask.

I love country music. Real country music (but some of the new stuff, too). If you don't know who Merle Haggard is, please figure it out before trying to talk to me about music. Otherwise, I'll have my friend Bobby kick your ass. Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Keith Whitley and Kris Kristofferson are musical geniuses. Nothing in the world that anyone who performs now will ever out-do a Garth Brooks show, and I could listen to Brad Paisley play guitar all day long.

My favorite places in the world are: Cinnamon Bay, St. John, U.S. Virgin Islands; Navy Pier, Chicago; and the Crypt Cafe at St. Martin in the Fields in London.

I grew up in a horse-racing family, and I might try to drag you along to watch my dad, my cousin or my brother race their horses. I watch the Kentucky Derby on TV, and every year I say that I just might go to Louisville to watch it, but haven't yet.

My sister-in-law is from Mexico. She is a U.S. citizen now, but she used to be illegal, so if you are racist or have crazy right-wing immigration views, we are probably not going to get along.

My best friend in the whole world is my gay ex-boyfriend. So, if you don't like gay people, then we could have issues. If you think people choose to be gay, I will hit you because I know it's not true. Or at least it hurts my feelings when people say it out loud.

I just don't like haters. I am pretty accepting of all people, as long as they are nice.

I went to Ohio University. It's in Athens, Ohio, and there are 20,000 students. Our colors are green and white, and our mascot is the Bobcat. If you confuse it with that big, red school in Columbus, I will be offended because I am a University of Michigan fan.

I am from Michigan, by way of Ohio. Depending on what day it is, I am either a rough-and-tumble Detroiter or a hillbilly. Kid Rock would be proud.

I think I mentioned my 40+ cousins? I come from a big, loud, obnoxious, ethnic family. We can be intimidating, but we're good people and once we love you, life is grand.

I think that's enough random facts about me. Maybe someday I'll come up with a thorough owner's manual, but for right now this is as close as it gets. Maybe people don't get me. Maybe it's because deep down I'm a dork and I fall off my clog at Costco. Maybe it's something more. I don't know. I won't ever know because I'm not going to ask.

Just for a trip down memory lane, does anyone remember this post?

Maybe I'm not the problem. Maybe it's them.

Song of the day: "I've Loved Enough to Know" by Deana Carter.

Learning to live again

Does anyone remember that Garth Brooks song?

But I'm gonna smile my best smile
And I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style
Look into her eyes and pray that she don't see
That learning to live again is killing me ...

I don't know how to date. I don't. I don't get it. My only significant relationship in my life was with a gay man. And while we had lots of fun "dates," the dynamic was significantly different. (Hell, now that I think about it, he is STILL responsible for most of my dates. Ha.)

I got asked out on a date this week. It's a guy I don't really know, who would like to get to know me better. Of course, Negative Nelly thinks that he doesn't really want to get to know me, so she really wants to keep it casual.

But the rest of me does too. I'm assuming that my very silent phone means that I am available to date, but I don't know that I want to. Obviously, things with Will went horribly wrong, although I don't know that you could call what we did dating. I think it was all the thrill of the chase, and once he got what he want there was no point. I notice that a lot in dating, so I hope this guy realizes that if I like him it will be a very long time before he gets the goodies.

Poor Married Guy never got them, because his wife came back. But that's probably not a bad thing.

So, we have Will, but we never really went on date. We met at a bar, he banged my best friend, we didn't talk for eight months until I got the brilliant idea to send him a text. And then we sent steamy text messages for months, I spent a weekend at his house, and he turned into an asshole. See, no date.

Somewhere along the way I kinda-sorta had a date and the guy told me he liked me and there were glimmers of a relationship, which abruptly ended a couple weeks later with the suggestion of a threesome with one of my friends. Where did anyone get the idea that I would go for that, really? I'm not even good at twosomes. Obviously.

I've had a few dates with Carter, if you want to call them that. Carter would not call them that, although he did call Will an idiot for canceling on our romantic weekend that I had planned. I knew I kept him around for some reason.

I don't know that I want to date. I'm not particularly sold on relationships. I'm old. I'm set in my ways. I'm not supposed to have kids. It's going to take someone very special to change all of that (except the old part, unless he's like 70 or something). I just don't know that person exists, and I don't have the energy to play the game. Really, maybe, if you blow my socks off, I might give you a chance. But I don't want to be in a relationship just to say I'm in a relationship, especially one where I don't feel loved. What's the fucking point?

We'll see. As much as I don't want to be alone, I'm so sick of men and their bullshit. Especially this week. I'm sick of being strung along and treated like shit. Every fucking time I think it will be different, and every fucking time it is not. Why? Because it involves a Y chromosome.

I'm going to stop hating men now and go to the gym. At least I don't hate myself today. Such progress. I had originally planned to do water walking, but I'm thinking that I will be working all these frustrations out with my friend Mr. Treadmill.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Day 3

I have been doing really well with this eating working out thing. Last night for supper I had shrimp, brown rice and a salad. It was delicious. I need to eat shrimp more often because it's easy and really good for you.

This morning I meant to get up and work out, but 5:30 came too early (and I was in bed before 11), so I went on my lunch break again. It really is perfect -- change really quick, do 30 minutes on the treadmill, shower, change and back to work, all in an hour. I come back and have a healthy lunch at my desk.

We have a party today at work, and I'm really hoping that my Luna Bar will stave off my cravings to have a cupcake. But honestly, I really haven't wanted that stuff lately. I want to be thin more. It's just time. It's totally convenient with a gym right next door. It'll get harder when I get older, so I'm just doing it. The only thing that really bothers me is that I found the swimsuit I want for vacation and that totally has to wait because there's no way I plan to be this size in November.

Song of the day: "Better than this" by Brad Paisley. I have loved that song since I heard Brad sing it at his concert last year.

Oh, and here's a sneak preview on a topic coming to a blog near you: Naked people and gym locker rooms.

I'll bet you can't wait.


I just got my daily horoscope in the mail, and this is what it says:

Value Without Comparison
Gemini Daily Horoscope
If you insist upon comparing yourself to others today, you may find your healthy self-esteem is quickly transformed into a demoralizing sense of inadequacy. A simple desire to discover how your lifestyle, achievements, possessions, and attitudes measure up to those of your family, friends, colleagues, and neighbors can turn into competitiveness if you feel that others’ blessings overshadow your own. Consider, however, that you can see only the surface level of the lives of the individuals around you. Looking at your life from an outsider’s perspective can help you understand the scope of the blessings the universe has bestowed upon you. Your self-esteem will flourish and grow today as you explore the joys inherent in your own experience and learn to appreciate the beauty of the life you have created.

One of the simplest ways to bolster your self-worth is to stop comparing yourself to others. Each time we look with envy upon what the individuals around us possess and each time we covet the lifestyle others in our community have achieved, we devalue our own lives. Your value as an individual is not a product of what you do, what you own, or what you have achieved. Once you are able to perceive this individual value without endeavoring to discover how it measures up, you’ll begin to understand the infinite love and perfection that resides in your heart and soul. You’ll seek to expand upon your uniqueness rather than conform to worldly standards. When you shun comparisons today, you’ll find that you are more fulfilled by your life than ever before.

I thought that was interesting. I've been comparing myself to others way too much lately. I am supposed to be working on loving myself. I am trying. I am not putting junk into my mouth. I am MAKING time to exercise each day. I am evaluating my friendships and letting go of the people who are holding me back. I need to just be my own best cheerleader, and the best way to do that is to stop giving a fuck about all the other cheerleaders on the team.

Everyone who went to high school knows that they're bitches who don't give two shits about us anyhow.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Quitting time

I'm taking a break from the very tedious job of updating the mailing list for my newsletter. I have typed in hundreds of addresses today, and I am starting to go cross-eyed.

I am not getting new tires for my car, because it turns out that my brakes are shot. I'm getting new brakes tonight, and we'll ask him how precarious the tire situation is.

I don't know if I told you that they opened a new rec center next to my work, but I am going and working out everyday. It's ridiculously cheap, and the treadmill kicked my butt today. Just what I needed. I've also been following a pretty strict diet. It's OK, though. Totally worth it.

I'm not sure what to think about this election year. It's hard to look at it with my background in political science. I really want to get on the Obama bandwagon and ride it to the White House, but I don't think his bandwagon is actually going to roll into Pennsylvania Ave anytime soon. And, even if it does, fancy speeches aren't going to fix America after eight years of GWB. I guess I should be less pessimistic, but I prefer to call myself pragmatic. I just don't see him getting the numbers he needs to win. More so, than I saw with Al Gore in 2000. And I loved Al Gore; I just didn't think he could win.

We can't do this eight more years.

That's all I have for now. This has been a long day, and I am ready to make my exit. Yay.

Song of the day: "Men Don't Change" by Amy Dalley. It's on my iPod and I heard it at the gym, and I have had it in my head all day today.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

More economic stimulation

Last night, we celebrated Cinco de Mayo at a new Mexican place. One of Jen's friends picked it out, and it was good. I liked Pablo, the manager (not to be confused with Pedro, much like the Jose/Jorge incident of 2007). The blue margaritas were OK. They became less OK when we found out that the regular lime margaritas were buy one, get one free. Our waitress didn't tell us that.

She did, however, tell us that Jen's seeing eye dog was not allowed in the restaurant. I thought about a compromise for a minute and then finally said, "There's nothing you can do about it, it's the law." I go lots of places with Jen, and no one has EVER asked Junior to leave before, although you'll all remember last summer when that man almost hit Jen when she crossed the street with her white cane. I guess I don't understand people who totally miss the boat on the laws we have to protect people with disabilities. Of course, that was my professional world for three years...

I decided while I was down that way that it was time to go to Cato and shop for cute underwear. Forget extra guacamole, this is where I stimulated the economy. I got six very cute pairs of undies and some really awesome pajamas.

It's still up in the air if anyone but me will see these, however, I got a text last night that said (in reference to my Myspace page): Why are you single and depressed?

My reply: Don't you hate me after yesterday's temper tantrum?

Him: No, I figured I'd leave you alone to calm down.

Maybe he knows me better than I thought. Maybe it'll all be OK. One thing's for sure: I need to feel loved or there's no point in having a boyfriend, so we really need to figure out what we're doing and what both of us expect if we're going to keep going.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Benefitting from stupidity

Turns out that I have been economically stimulated. So, even though I think giving everyone in America $600 is just about the dumbest thing I have ever heard of, I now have $600 extra dollars in my account.

I'd planned to save it, since I seem to always get dicked on my taxes because of my two jobs, and I'll probably have to pay it back anyhow, but I do need some stuff.

I know that $150 of it will be going to my gym membership at the new rec center next to work. I can't pass that up for the year! I could use the track and pool for free, but I want to be able to use the treadmill too! Thirty minutes on the treadmill at work can make all the difference in the world.

I am thinking about getting new tires for my car. Plus I owe Charlene for vacation, and I'm really worried that people are going to dick her over and I'm going to have to kill them. Maybe I should just send her the rest of my economic stimulus, just in case.

I should also pay my dentist some of the money I owe him before he comes and snatches my crown right out of my mouth. I think I'll do that too.

So much for saving it, although I don't really think I'm stimulating the economy too much.

Vision Walk 2008

I've talked about my family's struggles with RP before here. My dad has it, two of his sisters have it, and I probably have it. And if I have children and they are boys, they will have it too.

There is no cure. At least not yet. That's where all my friends and family come in to this. At the end of this month, I am participating in Vision Walk, a three-mile walk to raise money to find a cure for eye disease and improve the lives of those with visual impairments.

I'm walking in honor of my dad. I'm walking so maybe if I can finally get this relationship thing right I can have healthy kids.

If you can spare a donation, even just a little bit, go to my fundraising page.

Thank you for your support, both financially and emotionally. I set a lofty goal, but I can't imagine that I can't raise that money if everyone in my family chips in. We've had a lot of heartache because of this disease.


If only I could drink whiskey at work. I am listening to the Essential Keith Whitley. That doesn't really help with the crying, but maybe better than Merle (especially with the booze shortage).

I thought my bank account would be economically stimulated today based on my social security number, but I haven't seen my moolah yet. The way my life is going, I'm sure I won't get anything.

Did I tell you all the screen on my phone is broken? If I do not answer my phone or send you a text right away assume it's because my phone is trying to eat your message. I allegedly have a new phone coming. She says it's the software that powers the screen, but I will say I've seen some interesting things lately.

When I do get my new phone, what do I do with all the texts I've saved over the last four months saying how great I am? I don't think they'll come with me, and I'm surely not ever getting any more.

The guys who are changing my oil tell me that they think it is only my bumper that is jacked up and nothing else. Of course, they could find other things when they put it on the rack. We'll see. If it's just the bumper, I'm not going to dick with it. I'm so retarded. I can't believe that I was crying so hard that I pulled onto a pile of rocks. Why do I do this to myself?

I'm flying to Ohio for my birthday. I'll be gone 5/21 (in the evening) until 5/26 (in the morning). My birthday extravaganza is tentatively scheduled for 5/23 or whenever Michael will be in town. At least he still loves me. I'm just thinking how long it took me to realize that.

I just can't ever put myself out there again. Much like having babies against my doctor's better judgment, it's going to take someone pretty damn special.

Which is why I think I'm going to die alone. Just call me Miss Havisham.

Drinking songs

I've been meaning to make an iPod mix of drinking songs. Some that I know will be on there: Tennessee Whiskey by David Allan Coe, Tequila Loves Me by Kenny Chesney, Stay Here and Drink by Merle Haggard and The More I Drink by Blake Shelton. However, there are lots more out there.

CMT made a list of the Top 40 once, but there are some obvious ones missing. For example, only Merle made my list and theirs.

If you have any, PLEASE leave a comment, and once I have the final list, I will post it here.

Now, I'm going to go listen to "Tonight the Bottle Let Me Down." (Seriously, you could probably get a top 10 from Merle by himself.

Eight Belles

I was so busy worrying about my own life, that I didn't mention the Kentucky Derby at all. In fact, I went back and looked at old posts, and I never even got around to mentioning Barbaro when that happened almost two years ago.

If you're new here, you might not know that I come from a racing family. My grandfather on my dad's side was a horse trader. My dad and his brothers have been owners and trainers of race horses since before I was born. In fact, I had a race horse named after me almost 32 years ago... My mother's father was involved with harness racing, and two of her sisters owned some very successful horses several years ago.

I don't miss the Derby. I keep saying I'll go to Louisville for it. Maybe next year. This year I watched it in my house all by myself because I've been tired and in a bad mood for days now. I didn't have a favorite until the post parade, which is a little strange for someone who usually studies up on the horses for days. There was just no time.

The minute I saw Eight Belles, I knew. She was huge for a filly, and she would keep up with these boys. And she did. She came in second place. She didn't look like she was hurting at any point in the race.

That's why I was very surprised when I saw her lying on the track afterward. She broke both of her ankles, and they euthanized her on the track. And for the first time since Josh Radosevich died in 2005, I cried over a horse race.

Lately I spend a lot of time wondering if things are worth it. I've walked away from relationships after realizing perhaps they weren't worth it. I have debated one thing or another as to whether they were worth it in this economy.

I wonder if the owners of Eight Belles think it was worth it. Yes, they came in second at the grandest competition in horse racing, and they won $400,000. But their prized filly is gone. I know for most horsemen, especially today, this is a business. Maybe it's just the mood I'm in, but I'm just not sure it was worth it.

Of course, now PETA is bitching and moaning how barbaric horse racing is. It's funny. No one bitches and moans about fighting or football being barbaric. Race horses are amazing athletes. If you'd ever watched a really good one train, you'd see that they are better than Shaq, Brett Favre or whatever famous human athlete you care to name. The only difference is that when Brett Favre retired he didn't get to go hang out in a pasture and have sex with fillies all day long, and when Shaq gets hurt the team doctor doesn't put him down.

Speaking of great race horses, Big Brown ran like a Triple Crown Winner last week. The first time I've seen that in years.


A week ago, I was planning a romantic weekend with my boyfriend. I was really excited about it.

Yesterday, I was telling him just to leave me alone via text message.

Not because of anything he did, but because I am just not equipped to have a relationship. I don't think I'm pretty enough. I don't think I'm thin enough. I just didn't think I deserved him, and I wanted him to go find someone who did.

And then I cried. I cried so much that I drove my car off the road into some rocks, and it's pretty jacked up, although I don't know quite how much.

I went home and cried myself to sleep. In the big chair in the living room because I hate waking up in my bed alone.

I'm guessing I'll be sleeping in that chair for a while, because I don't see myself not waking up alone anytime soon.

Things hadn't been right for a while. I've felt like I was bothering him. Even with this trip, he said he wanted to go but then when I asked him about it, he blew me off. I have to come to realize that some people are only in your life for a specific time, place or reason, and he might be one of them.

I can't stop crying. I'll miss him so much. I just can't bear the thought of never talking to him again as long as I live. I should've gone about it differently. I just wanted to see him this weekend so we could reconnect because the distance has been killing me anyhow. When I thought it wasn't going to happen, I just couldn't deal anymore. There's also some history that I can't bear to share, but I just figured I was doing him a favor to tell him that I loved him but he didn't have to be with me if he didn't want to. Well hell, who would want to be with someone who said that? Really?

It was the first time I'd put my heart out there in seven years, and now I'm remembering why I don't do that. I'm not sure I will again. In seven more years, I'll be old and washed up anyhow.

I was just a crazy bitch. I can't get past my own hang-ups to let someone love me. But I don't want to be alone, so I'm not sure what's going to happen.

Song of the day: "Don't Make Me" by Blake Shelton.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Now, back to work...

No time for breaks, but I saw this and had to do it. It's not too accurate for me, I don't think, but it'll work. There are more to follow because Blogthings was interesting today, and I am boring.

Not boring, but busy. Very busy. This is my busiest week of the year. It's Friday, and I have about two days worth of work left to do. I've also had to work every night this week at Toyland, except Wednesday, on which I threw the shittiest psuedo-bachelorette party in the history of psuedo-bachelorette parties. It was fun anyhow.

More later. This weekend I plan to clean my house and sleep, and I'm so excited about doing those two things that none of you would probably ever believe it.

What Your Flip Flops Say About You

You are an outdoorsy person. You feel most comfortable in nature.

Beautiful scenery and good weather always brighten up your day.

Being outside allows you to feel calm and connected to the world.

Problems don't seem so big when you realize how small you are in the scheme of things.

Your ideal warm weather place: Costa Rica

The Flip Flop Test