Does anybody read these?

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Greetings from the trenches

Just a quick one here on my phone. My laptop has officially died. I have located a few contenders, but I can't deal with it until next week. There will be posts when I am up and running. I have things to say. Plenty of them.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Call me maybe? Nah, nevermind.

I had been writing about the trials and tribulations of my most recent attempt at online dating. I’m hoping that you didn’t think I ran out of adventures just because I hadn’t said anything. While there was nothing so hilarious I had to tell you immediately, it is definitely an interesting ride, and I am – by choice – rolling back into the station after the latest journey with nothing but a little more baggage.

I’ve met enough needy men to fill a passenger train. I’ve tried to corral their expectations and help them tone down their neediness, but more likely than not, they get sent to the back of the line. If I see one more stranger tell me how beautiful I am and ask me for my number so they can begin texting me ASAP, I’m going to have a mini-seizure. Usually after I reply, “I don’t give my personal info out until I really know someone, but you’re more than welcome to continue your conversation here,” I never hear from them again. Really, I’m not devastated.

Of course, the other issue with that behavior trait is that not everyone on online dating services is actually a person. Some of them are scammers who think you are so desperate you will give them money to come visit you from foreign lands or –even better—give them your bank account number so they can get you money to come visit them.

Luckily, I left my house with the old self-esteem intact, so someone from a far away foreign land with the screen name “Barry Sweetness” (true story) will have to keep looking for his princess, beauty and/or one true love.

Today I decided to hang up my hat and call it quits. I think there’s a leak in my hip waders because I just can’t do it. I don’t want a pen pal from somewhere far away. I would, for once in my life, like a man who has a job and a little gumption, instead of one who’s on disability or just mooching off of his parents’ disability. Not that I need a guy with some big fancy job, but I already support one adult and if I wanted to support another human without any help, I’d have a child on my own. You know I’ve always resented working my ass off at two jobs when the man in my life had zero jobs. I doubt that will ever change. I am not a human ATM machine. And if I start paying for extracurricular activities, the guys will start looking like the guys on “Magic Mike.”

Remarkably, it’s not the needy guys who are practically divorced or unemployed or even display their naked moobs in their profile pictures who have turned me off to online dating. It’s actually the guys who think that you replying to their message/adding them as a friend/giving them your number/suggesting you meet up for coffee/etc. makes you their personal property. This past weekend, a guy who I’d asked out for drinks because he was actually way more gentlemanly than the others (i.e. he hasn’t sent me an unsolicited picture of his man parts) apparently thought that meant we were beholden to each other. At least I’m guessing that’s what he thought because when my weighty weekend work schedule appeared to him as an opportunity for me to meet up with someone else (I wish, but no, I was working.) he went a little ape on me. Not that I needed to justify my whereabouts to him in the slightest. But, you know what? He was hell bent that people say they want to meet up and then cancel at the last minute EVERY TIME, and now he’s gotten his wish. But he needs to look a little closer to home to figure out why that’s happening.

I’m a 36-year-old human. It became illegal to own other humans here in the U.S. almost 150 years ago. I’m thankful for that, and not really interested in being in that situation. I would much rather continue to work my ass off, own my own home with whomever I want in it (roommates and such) and be happy than deal with all this BS. I don’t deserve it. No person does – male or female – and God help those who think they do.

Sorry. This post isn’t funny at all, unless you find complete and total assholes funny. I’ll try harder next time.

If there is a next time. Right now, I am leaning toward adding a few cats and a glass dish of ribbon candy all stuck together.

Thursday, August 02, 2012

Can I have fries with that?

While both sides of the gay marriage debate are duking it out over Chick-fil-A, I am sitting at home watching from the sidelines. I know the sidelines aren't usually where I am when things are happening, but I wanted to explain why and give my thoughts on the whole thing.

When all of this brou-ha-ha started and plans were developing to boycott/stage a protest/etc., I was trying to figure out my next move. I decided to contact my best friend, who is gay, down in Atlanta and ask him what to do.

I sent him a text. It said: "Are we going to protest Chick-fil-A for being anti-gay? I'm will do it if you are."

And he replies: "No, I like their food too much. They need to just shut up and make good food."

So, no protest for me. Way I figure, if my best friend is not too concerned with what a fast-food chain thinks about his marriage prospects, I might as well stand in solidarity with him.

Now, that doesn't mean I ran out and bought some chicken nuggets to show how Christian I am. I also didn't go there with a nice lady in a flannel shirt and make out with her while I waited for my chicken wrap.

Maybe I'm being naive, but I don't see how choosing to buy or not buy a chicken sandwich makes you for or against anything but chicken, maybe beef.

A lot of people are saying that now that we know what Chick-fil-A stands for, we have to be against it. A few thoughts on this. 1. I've always admired that it's a Christian company and it's closed on Sunday. More businesses should be. Perhaps the world would be a better place if folks could spend the Lord's day at home with their family. 2. While their CEO seems to be a bigoted blow-hard who's spouting hate in the name of Christian values, it happens all the time, and it has nothing to do with chicken. So, he got into a race where he didn't really have a pony. Celebrities spout off about shit they have no business talking about all the time (Good morning, Kardashians), and people listen to them. You know how I know this? I have sold about 80 million of those Sophie the Giraffe teething things because one of those Kardashians gave it to her baby. 3. Lastly, I suspect if we looked long and hard at what the CEOs of the businesses we frequent truly stood for, we'd be very surprised. We'd also probably be hungry, naked and sitting in our houses with nothing to do. Corporate leaders are in a whole different world than we are.

Several years ago, one of my college pals got after me for my Longaberger basket collection. Why? Because the Longabergers are one of the top donors to the Ohio Republican Party, and I was working my ass off to get Democrats elected. The friend felt like I was a traitor to my belief system and my political party. However, while the Longabergers are a lot more conservative than I am and have a lot more money to give to political candidates, they are entitled to their beliefs. And, at the time, they were one of the top employers in Ohio. Their products were all made in Ohio using Ohio wood, and I believed in that too. (Sidenote: Tami Longaberger announced at the basket bee that they are bringing all those jobs back to Ohio.) So, I made a deal with my friend (one that still stands today, if he's still interested). When I die, he can take all of my Longaberger baskets and auction them off and give the money to the Ohio Democratic party. Everyone wins that way. And, honestly, the baskets have no political affiliation. They are just some handwoven strips of maple that I hold my coffee filters and plastic silverware in.

Do I think protests against big companies can work? Well, yes. Do I think that you and I not buying chicken nuggets is going to cause a man to wake up tomorrow and decide he thinks men should be allowed to marry men? Now that I'm thinking about it, does it matter what the owner of Chick-fil-A thinks about gay marriage? He's not any type of county clerk, as far as I know. And soon enough, it will most likely be the law of the land, and those who don't like it will just have to suck it up. Or as I like to say, "Against gay marriage? Don't have one."

I admire everyone who stands up for what they believe in -- whether I agree with it or not. But at the end of the day, if this fight over chicken nuggets and gay marriage hurts anyone, it will be the independent franchisees who own Chick-fil-A stores and the men and women who work there. And, as much as I love my BFF and want him to get married if that's his life's path, I don't want a single mom making minimum wage to get her hours cut because the CEO of her company is a jackass.

So, basically, I am taking a stand for not taking a stand on this one.