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Thursday, July 30, 2015

I would've...

I haven’t really written for a while, but I’m pretty sure if I don’t do so today that I will actually go insane. Have you ever actually felt your mind reeling and your soul shocked and not known what to do with yourself? Yeah, that’s me right now.

So when I last checked in last month, I was telling you that things had not worked out with the adorable boy from Michigan who lit up my world with his smile. I loved the way he smelled. I loved his bald head. I loved the sound of his voice. I loved that he knew to give me Vernor’s when I had an upset stomach and had his brother send us BetterMade chips to take on a road trip. I loved the way he called me babe or mama and always told me he loved me as our heads hit the pillow at night.

When I was last here in June, we were broken up. We both made mistakes and it seemed like we were doomed. But then at the end of last month, he called me one night and told me things he swore he never told anyone else. I was there right next to him when his mom was in the hospital for a week. I held his hand, I rubbed his back while he rested his head on my chest, exhausted and worried about if she was going to be OK.

I was the first person he called when he found out he was getting a big promotion and raise at work. They were sending him to Chicago for training, and he wanted me to meet him up there at the end of the week so we could spend some time together. I hated that I was out of town, but we promised to celebrate when I got back.

He said he was working long hours, getting his shop ready for the new equipment coming from Japan, and maybe he was. He apologized profusely because now that I had free time, he was the one working 14-hour days. I told him not to worry because I wasn’t going anywhere.

But apparently I was. Last week, we talked several times and he seemed happy. He sent me a text every morning to wake me up, using words like “beautiful” and “baby.” We talked on the phone and he ended every call with “I love you.” He told me that he was really missing me and was working on finding some free time to see me, but work was “crazy as shit.”

The last thing he said to me on Friday was, “See you tomorrow, babe.” He was coming to his sister’s birthday party on my side of town the next day, and we were supposed to meet up after I got off work.

Friday, 6:15 p.m. See you tomorrow, babe.

Saturday I texted him to see if he made it to work. He didn’t answer, but he had told me his phone was acting up, and I knew he was trying to get his work done to go to his sister’s party. I got busy with my day too. Finally on my way to work I sent him a message that I hoped his phone was working and to let me know if I was going to his mom’s when I got off work at 10.

When I hadn’t heard back at 9:30, I worried about how to get in touch with him, figuring his phone was not working. Knowing his sister loves to post pictures on Facebook, I figured that I’d check to see if there were any from her party.

And I was unfriended. Figuring it was a mistake, I sent a new friend request. I drove to his mom’s as planned, and it was dark and his car wasn’t there. I decided to call and I saw my friend request had been declined. He didn’t take my call.

So, here we are five days later. He did finally send a text saying that he was sorry it happened this way.

That’s nice, but I still don’t know what it is or what this way is. I have no fucking clue how we went from “I love you and I miss you mama,” and “See you tomorrow, babe” to crickets.

Nothing. Not a word. No explanation. I am not saying that he owes me some big dissertation or some weepy break-up scene. If you’re going to be a pussy anyway, just send a two-sentence text or something.

Apparently there is a new phenomenon that you just disappear rather than break up with people now. But that’s for after a few weeks maybe, not on the six-month anniversary of the day you met.

I don’t deal well with not knowing or understanding things. Not having any type of answers or warning is really not good for my mental state. I have had some pretty bad break-ups, but this is so bizarre and I don’t even know how to process it.

And while I know it’s his loss, and I know whatever he thinks he found out there is not going to be as good as what I had to offer him, I am kind of feeling a little used right now. I feel like maybe there wasn’t anything there at all and I missed it and there was some agenda that I didn’t realize. And that’s not a good way to feel.

Every day is easier than the last, and the shock is wearing off. I’m beginning to see that maybe he wasn’t the person I thought he was. But I also like to think I’m a pretty smart cookie most of the time, and this whole situation has left me feeling like the dumbest shit in the history of the universe. I also feel like maybe, perhaps I was just a big girl who lost her mind because someone paid attention to her. It never felt like that at the time, but he sure did get what he wanted and high-tail his way out of town, didn’t he?

“See you tomorrow, babe.”

I had really hoped it was a broken phone or a misunderstanding. And as I realize that it’s not, there are so many fresh wounds and raw emotions that I can’t tamp down.

If I’d known that was our last hug, I would've held him a little tighter for a little bit longer.

If I would've known it was the last time I would hear his voice, I would’ve listened a little harder so I wouldn’t forget it.

If I would’ve known it was the last morning I woke up to those big brown eyes , I would’ve stared into them a little longer.

I would’ve said “I love you a few more times.”

I would’ve called more and texted less (although it’s nice to still see the words on my phone).

I would’ve grabbed a cup of coffee and headed to his house that night I was tired and just wanted to go to bed early.

Would’ve. Would’ve. Would’ve. We never really know when our last day with someone is, regardless of the circumstances.

I wish I could call him and talk to him about the Tigers trading Dave Price today.

Oh, and to say:
I love you, and I am really missing you, babe.

Song of the day: "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey (because it had to be. Come on, now.)