Does anybody read these?

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


So, this is my horoscope for today. Interesting. I am going to my therapist today. That should also be interesting. I just want to stop being sick, both physically and emotionally. Maybe this will do it.

Gemini horoscope, free daily horoscopes for Gemini

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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Hello, another creepy horoscope!

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Friday, September 18, 2009


I just wanted to take a minute to thank all of my friends and let everyone know how great they are.

Whether it's getting me thisclose to Keith Urban, getting tickets to see my beloved Red Wings, taking me to Hooters for Daytona wings or just listening to me bitch, my friends have been here for me over the last month. They have wiped away a lot of tears and tried to help me laugh. They have put up with a lot of shit from me, and I don't really think they understand how grateful I am to each and every one of them.

I love you all. I couldn't do this without all of you. I'm blessed to have you in my lives.

And, Keith Urban helps. So, do the Red Wings tickets. Ha ha.

A month

I realized yesterday that it had been one month since all this started. In some ways, it seems like it was yesterday; in others, it seems like it's been a lifetime, but I don't know that I will ever forget that day. It was the Monday night of our work Convention. I was tired and I had a huge, busy day on Tuesday. I was literally climbing into bed when my phone vibrated and said I had a new text. It went something like this.

Chris: So, I figured out what Lisa wants.
Me: Yeah?
Chris: She wants to get back together.

I just started crying, because I knew that if Chris had the choice he would get back with her. I knew it. After all she's done to him, he's just got it in his mind that he needs to be with the mother of his child. In some ways, that's noble; but really, in this case, it's just nuts. She has had him arrested, gotten him fired from his job, abandoned him, kidnapped his child and lots of other stuff that frankly shouldn't even matter if you managed to get past the first four things.

So, I cried. And then I cried some more.

Then I called him to say goodbye. Only he didn't want to say goodbye.

He asked me if I loved him or if I just loved Shelby, and I told him I loved him more than anything and I loved Shelby because they were a package deal. He said he needed to figure some things out.

The next day, after I'd tortured myself for about 24 hours, he told me he "wasn't going back with that bitch."

(When I called Lisa and confronted her, I said, "Do you really want to be with someone who almost exclusively refers to you as 'That Bitch'?" But, I digress.)

Wednesday night I called him hoping we could get together and he told me he was too tired.

When we got together Thursday, I learned that things with "That Bitch" weren't as cut and dry as he'd originally led me to believe. He was still thinking about getting back with her, for Shelby's sake, of course, and he had spent the night before with her. That's when I got to see "The Contract," the 15 items, single spaced, covering almost an entire sheet of computer paper of what she'd do right this time.

I just love Chris. I feed him and do his laundry because I love him. I change Shelby and buy her clothes because I love her. Before all this, I couldn't ever go 48 hours without talking to him (item #3) or have him arrested.

My contract is in my heart. It doesn't need to be on paper. And the fact that he would even consider all that insulted me. That was the night we fought in his driveway and his dad came out to see what the commotion was. I was hurt and embarrassed.

Since then, things haven't been good, but he still keeps telling me this isn't over and he hasn't made a decision. But it's been a month and I'm not stupid, and I think the longer I go without my phone ringing the louder his "decision" becomes. I don't want to give up on him completely, even though it seems like he's given up on himself. I'm sad and I miss him like the dickens, but trying to make someone feel something they don't never works.

I try not to worry about it. It gets easier, but yesterday was hard. Realizing it had been one month and that I hadn't heard from him since Sunday night was hard. I don't have anything to say right now to him. I don't want to bother him. I hope he misses me, but I secretly supsect he's just moving on and heading back into his dysfunction. I have done absolutely everything I can to help him. I have.

Sometimes I wish I'd been different. I know that I wasn't really his "type." I have a suspicion I was just the girl who kept him from being miserable for nine more months. He's told me a half dozen times that if it weren't for me, he would've killed himself over all this mess. That it was just too hard living in the hell Lisa created alone. But frankly, that can't be worse than living in the hell Lisa created with Lisa, can it?

I'll get better someday. It'll stop hurting sometime. Everything I read today -- my Bible verses, my horoscope, everything -- talked about managing my expectations. And I need to start doing that. I can't count on him coming back and everything being OK. I am sure he'll come back -- probably somewhere down the road from here, because Lisa will hurt him again -- but I don't know that everything will be OK. I don't know that at all anymore. My visions of a happy little family living happily ever after probably need to be modified at this point.

I know I'll love again. In fact, I know I won't stop loving him. I'll just change what I expect from him. I'll just sit over here loving him and everybody else in world (even loving Lisa, which I know is my challenge from God and a very hard thing to do. I'm sure it would burn her pagan biscuits for her to know that I pray to Jesus and the Holy Mother everyday for her). Eventually someone will come along -- maybe it will be Chris, but most likely it will be someone else -- who is ready for unconditional love. And then maybe I'll have my happily ever after.

Yes, things are changing. Everything in my life is going to come from a place of hope, trust and love. Everything will be inspired by the Lord and powered by prayer. It's the way I should've been living and loving all along.

Song of the Day: "I Can't Stop Loving You" by Keith Urban

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I'm alive

So, we're on Day 4 of the quiet telephone game. I'm also reading a great book called "In The Meantime." Toma gave it to me a while ago, and I realized that it would be a good read right now, because I am definitely in the meantime. I'm learning a lot about unconditional love, trusting those to whom you give your heart and patience. I'm also learning a lot about faith. I am praying the Rosary daily (thanks to podcasts I listen to in the car), praying to St. Anne and reading the Bible. I've also subscribed to have The Upper Room devotionals e-mailed to me everyday. Their recommended Bible passage for today was 1 Corinthians 13. A lot of food for thought in these parts lately.

I don't know what's going on, but I know that God will take care of me and that I have to be strong in my faith. That's all I can do.

I'm burying myself in the kitchen too. We went to the Loveless Cafe on Monday night, and it was delicious. I used the leftovers to make last night's dinner. The country ham went into a crock pot full of fresh green beans from my CSA. I cooked them on low from 9 p.m. Tuesday until 6 p.m. last night. The leftover biscuits and an organic chicken from the CSA became creamed chicken over biscuits. The meal was finished off with my new favorite side dish, southern-style creamed corn (I got in a tube in the freezer section and cooked it in a skillet with butter and sauteed diced onions) and homemade apple crisp.

As I ate this delicious meal, I sat there and wondered how anyone could walk away from my awesomeness. I'm still not sure, but it's really not my problem. I hope he enjoys a sinkfull of dishes (although I really can't talk about that right now) and eating hamburger helper off a dirty plate, if he's lucky.

Sometimes I get angry. I got angry today while I was listening to Keith Urban's song "Won't Let You Down." I feel let down. I just wish he could've stood up for me. Maybe he will in the end, but right now I don't feel like I can count on that.

And that hurts. But I'll be OK. I have happiness, and I have lots of friends who love me. I love myself. But, at the same time, I'm not going to underestimate the power of the Lord and the pull of unconditional love. Because that's what I offer. I know Lisa's got plenty of conditions, but I don't even know if there's love attached to it. I'm not even sure she knows how to love.

So, I keep moving on, because I have no choice. Eventually I will find love again, but it's not like I'm lonely and unhappy now. I have plenty of projects to keep me busy. I'm having a fall fiesta tomorrow night, and I'm going to water aerobics after work. I'm starting my running next week, because I officially have about eight weeks until the Boulevard Bolt and about five months until 8 Tuff Miles. I have got to get on track.

None of us know what the future holds. We can only live in the present. And that's what I'm doing.

My favorite song right now is "I'm Alive" on Kenny's latest CD. I am not a Dave Matthews fan, but I love Dave's part of the song, because I know the song was written down in the islands, and Dave's part of the song takes me back. It's kind of become my anthem lately. Yeah, life's hard. But I'm still alive. And in a few months, I'll get to go watch the lights dance off Cruz Bay, and that will make everything better.

I'm including the lyrics here. I'm sure it's probably illegal, but I think if the songwriters take issue, I can bribe them with baked goods. Maybe that might just work in my favor anyhow...

So damn easy to say that life’s so hard
Everybody’s got their share of battle scars
As for me
I’d like to think my lucky stars that
I’m alive, and well

It’d be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watch go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me, I’m alive

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathing in and out is a blessing can’t you see
Today is the first day of the rest of my life
And I’m alive, and well
I’m alive, and well

Stars are dancin’ on the water here tonight
It’s good for the soul, and there’s not a soul in sight
But this boat has caught its wind and brought me back to life
Now I’m alive, and well

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathing in and out is a blessing can’t you see
Today is the first day of the rest of my life
Now I’m alive, and well
Yeah I’m alive, and well

Monday, September 14, 2009

On the plus side...

... my mom, her sister, my cousin and my grandma and her sister are stopping by to visit me on the way to Tunica. I have sacks of groceries on my kitchen table, my house isn't big enough for everyone and I'm really not hoping for a lecture. I'm sure everything will be fine.

I spent my lunch break picking out a new phone at T-mobile, but it went horribly wrong. As usual, the workers get passionate about THEIR phone and try to sell me my own version. That's why I have this purple piece of garbage (yes, number five has broken), instead of a Razr like I wanted.

I am not sure which phone I am going to get, but I have to go pick it up at the store tonight. I was going to get a blackberry, but it's going to add $15 to my plan, and I'm really not sure that I want to be that connected.

I guess I am back at square one, but at least they are being cool about getting me a new phone. I had planned for Chris and I to get a plan together when our contracts ran out in December, but I need a new phone, so I'm signing up for 24 more months of T-mobile. I like them anyhow.


Bitching and moaning on a blog is not enough therapy. I am going to have to go talk to someone to a) give my friends a break from my bitching b) try to find some way to move on and c) get these bad thoughts out of my head.

I don't know how I'm going to afford it. Lisa gets free counseling on my dime, and I have to pay a load of money to talk to someone. Lovely. Just one more reason to believe in socialized medicine for EVERYONE, not just losers who won't work.

Chris got fired from his job because of all this nonsense on Friday. He told me right away and he's being cordial to me lately, but apparently it's not enough to get his ass back home where he belongs. Let me tell you, I wouldn't be able to spend all my time with someone who got me fired from my job. I'm pretty sure I would be reading that person's pedigree.

But, I am in a much better place that Chris is regarding self-esteem and abusive relationships.

I know he loves me, but if it's not enough, it's not enough.

I have said no less than a million times that I believe this is all a test of my faith, and that was confirmed at Church yesterday.

And because God really has a sense of humor, Kay was sitting right in front of me, two rows up. She ignored me, and I had better things to do, so that's all that was.

It's getting easier, and I think I'm starting to make my peace with the fact that he's probably never coming back and he's too much of a pussy to tell me that. And really, do I want to be with someone like that?

I wish I could turn the love off. I wish I could get mad at him. I am to some extent. I hate that he is abandoning me, and that my love wasn't good enough after all we've been through.

His parents say he's still confused and they have hope that we'll be back together. Everyone says that Lisa will show her true colors. But she has, and he's still with her. When I talked to him yesterday, it sounded like there might be trouble in paradise, but I haven't heard from him for 19 hours, not like I'm counting. It used to be I never went 19 minutes without getting a reply to my texts. And before you say I wasn't supposed to be contacting him, I asked him if he wanted these pictures of Shelby off my phone before I throw it in the trash. No reply.

I know if God wants us to be together we will be. I'm trying not to lose hope and faith. But I have to be realistic too. I haven't seen him in two weeks. Last week he sent me shitty texts and this week he sends me nice ones until he starts ignoring me again. I could text him right now and tell him my head is on fire, and if he is with Lisa, he is not even going to read it, let alone help me.

I want to hate him for that. I really do. He promised he wouldn't leave me, and he did. So, I know I'm supposed to have faith, but there's not much to work with here at this point.

I saw Shelby Saturday, and she is sad and she told me she missed me and asked if she could go to my house. Our friends tell me that Chris isn't happy like he was when he was with me. God knows that I am not happy.

But God also knows that only Chris can end the suffering. And as Fr. Breen said yesterday at mass, God is the only thing that can save us from ourselves.

I think prayers will help, so if you do such things, that'd be appreciated.

I'm going to try to move on to bigger and better things, both on the Internet and in real life. We'll see how it goes. I was doing OK until I had my daily "he might really never come back" reality check. Those suck, but I guess it's better than false hope.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


Today is better than yesterday. I've been praying a lot, and I find that helps keep my mind in a good place. God will give me the answers. I just have to trust Him. And like Janice says, I have to have strength, hope and faith, and she knows I can do it.

I'm sure by now anyone reading this knows that I love Keith Whitley. But right now I really wish I could get his song out of my head.

If you drive around
Back in our old hometown
I wonder do you think of me

When you drive by a school
Do you remember two fools
I wonder do you think of me

And remember the park
Where you struck the spark
To a fire that's still burning
Oh, in my heart

That old graduation day
You just drifted away
I wonder do you think of me

And remember those games
Those cold football games
I was your hero
Though I seldom played

Back then could you see
What our future would be
I wonder do you think of me

And the classes we missed
Caused by a kiss
I can tell you that I've never
Felt like that since

I don't know if you would
But I'd go back if I could
I wonder do you think of me

I still love you
Do you think of me

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Hang ups

I hung up on my mom today. I've never done that before.

But telling me that Chris was probably just using me to get Lisa back was not the appropriate thing to say.

I know you all have your own opinions of my relationship, and that's fine. But this situation is so effed up that I'd venture a guess that NONE of the people doling out advice have ever experienced anything quite like this.

It doesn't matter, though. Chris spends all his time with Lisa, and she's what he wants. It's screwed up, and he's going to be miserable, but that's not my problem.

Or at least that's what I'm currently telling myself in whatever stage of grief that I am in.

I don't believe that he's coming back. At least not in a reasonable amount of time, which means when he does come back (because let's be honest, we all know this isn't going to be lucky try number seven), it's probably going to be too late. That's unfortunate, but let him learn the hard way. Let his only chance at true love ever walk right out the door.

Maybe he'll find someone else to take care of his kid, make his breakfast and do his laundry. God knows it won't ever be his wife.

But, then again, not my problem.

So, since I've made my peace with the fact that I've been left and my life is changing forever, I need to make my peace with just one more thing: I need to say goodbye to Shelby Jean.

Yes, I understand that this could make it worse and "set back" my recovery. I understand this because people who have never been in this situation tell me this.

But, let me tell you, what's haunting me right now is thinking that I'm never going to see that baby again, that I'm never going to get to hold her and kiss her just one more time and tell her I love her. After nine months of me raising her, I think we both deserve that.

And, yes, I understand she's only two years old and probably has no idea what's going on. God knows that Chris' nieces have not figured out why "Uncle Buddy" is never with Laura and she cries all the time. They're little kids.

I have said goodbye to Chris, even though he didn't act like it was goodbye at the time. But I did not get to say goodbye to Shelby Jean. In fact the last thing I did was kiss her on Sunday and say "See you Friday," because her daddy was still making me think that we were going to be OK at that point. And how many Fridays have gone by since then? Two? And no Laurie anywhere to be found?

I just want her to know this wasn't my idea. And maybe having mommy and daddy back together will be good for her. She probably needs to get used to the idea. But, dammit, I think I deserve to say goodbye to my princess and spoil her at the fair just one last time.

And maybe I am more upset right now that I don't have Shelby in my life than I am Chris. Maybe I should be. Shelby has never done anything but love me from the moment she first met me in Toys R Us on that cold December night. Chris is being a jack ass right now.

This situation sucks. But no one else is me. And I know it's going to hurt in the long run, but I have to say goodbye to that little girl. Because if I really do never get to see her again, it will haunt me until the day I die if I never got to hold her one more time. And right now, I'm not putting anything past her daddy and mommy.

I just don't want to hear it anymore. So, I just won't talk about it anymore. I'm sick of the commentary. I'm just going to curl up in a little reclusive ball and grieve by myself for a while. Of course, that's usually when I call Chris and whine about how he's ruining my life.

But I won't do it this time. I am still pretty upset with him. And frankly, I think we all know whose life he's ruining, and it's really not mine.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Getting better?

I think things are going to get better, finally.

I talked to Chris' mom, and she said he told her that we had sent some messages back and forth yesterday, but he didn't seem upset. That was good to hear. Because even though I've been hurt, I don't ever want him to hate me. I just want us to remember the best nine months of our lives.

I was just thinking about when I almost bought the house last month. I said to him, "If I get this house, I have to stay there for three years or pay the tax refund back. Are you sure we can make it for at least three years?"

Then he asked me if I loved him, and when I said yes, he said he wasn't going anywhere and kissed me.

I don't know what is making me remember that right now. I threw everything from the bank, Realtor, etc out the day I took all their stuff back. The last day I looked at the real estate listings was Aug. 19, and I remember that because Chris and I were going to go look at a house, but the person never called back. Which was probably good, because it was on the way home from Ruth's house that he told me he was still giving thought to getting back from Lisa.

And, of course, it's only got worse from there.

But I realized today that one of three things is going to happen here.

1. Chris is going to come back and we can start over if we want to.
2. Chris is not going to come back and I'm going to start to forget all the pain.
3. Someone else even better is going to come along (he just better not have kids, and have a big ice pick to get in)

I think everyone knows that at some point, Chris and Lisa are going to call this whole thing off. Because Chris and Lisa have called it off seven times since high school. Really, the question is just whether or not it's going to be too late for us.

If he even wants to have an us, because he was not nice yesterday.

I am going to Dixie's pageant tonight. I know that everyone thinks I am crazy, but Karen is my friend, and she wants me there. I didn't do anything wrong, and last time I checked it was a free country.

Maybe it's not the best for my healing, but I know that seeing Shelby has to be part of my healing, and if I can just hold on a few more days, I will get to spend my Saturday with Miss Shelby. Not saying goodbye to that child has killed me. I really think that's my biggest problem at this point.

I'm still sad. I'm still crying. But I did some really great stuff at work today, and considering my brain has been like cotton candy for two weeks, that's pretty impressive to me.

And, I prayed last night, and God did help me. I know God has a plan, and He is not going to give me anything I can't handle. My mom, who doesn't believe that Chris is coming back or that I should even consider it if he did, said that every mom needs a break, and I am just getting mine. Maybe we just need to regroup and figure things out. Or maybe I'm just getting a break before I embark on my next big adventure.

Keep praying, and I'll just take it one day at a time.

Clearing things up

I don't want to eat.

I don't want to improve myself.

I don't want to find someone better.

I don't want to stop loving Chris and Shelby.

I don't want to. I guess I should want to from everything everyone tells me.

But this is hard. It's not something I've ever gone through before, and it's not something I ever hope to go through again.

I want them to just come back so we can pick up where we left off. I want that more than anything, but I don't see it happening.

I want to stop crying. I want to feel like myself again. I want to stop pushing Chris away by trying to pull him closer to me.

But I don't know how, and besides, I don't suspect that it's something that happens overnight.

I know everyone loves me and they tell me things to cheer me up because they hate seeing me like this. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and be hungry or want to get out of bed in the morning. I wish I could fall asleep and not have nightmares.

I'm guessing if Chris is even thinking about reconciling with someone who ruined his life and tore him apart, then maybe someday I'll be able to move past this happening to me.

I'm sorry that I'm not working on anyone else's time frame here. I'm sorry if you're sick of hearing me whine. I'm sorry that any of this happened, believe me.

I have been praying, and it really does help. And, believe it or not, but Chris being mean to me even helped. Maybe we needed to have a "fight" so it felt more like we were broken up.

I just don't want to be broken up. I know I look half-retarded right now chasing a dream that is gone, but I just don't understand how you walk away from people you love. I'm not made that way.

Much like every other day of my life, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I know that no one reads my blog to see Debbie Doom and Gloom everyday. But all the things that gave me joy are gone right now. And I know you can't get your joy from other people, but how could anyone not get joy from a little girl who loads herself up in her stroller and demands that you go to the park?


One day at a time

My life sucks. Big time.

And I'm sick of talking about it.

Moving on is not good when you love someone more than anything. Saturdays are not good without your precious little girl waking you up, asking for breakfast.

But everything is screwed up and I can't fix it. Nothing I can do will fix it. And sending an innocent e-mail about stuff that I found at my house and need to return just makes it worse.

I know everyone thinks I'm being ridiculous. I know I'm being ridiculous. I don't like the person that I am right now.

But isn't that the intention of people who play games with people's heads?

I'm just tired. Please just pray for me. God is the only thing that is going to get my through the pain and out of the dark place.

And please pray for Chris and Shelby, because I've done all that I can for them, and I worry about their life without me.

Now, I have tons of work to do, so I'm going to go focus on that.

One day at a time, right? Yesterday was an awful day, so I'll try to make today OK. I've only cried twice, so that's good, right?

Friday, September 04, 2009

Since we last talked...

... life has gone horribly wrong.

Chris and I met up Tuesday night for dinner and some deep conversation. He loves me, he's still confused and he has to do what's best for Shelby. Apparently what the rest of the world thinks is best for Shelby and what Chris thinks is best for Shelby may not be the same.

But it is not my place to save him from himself. It is not my place to prevent him from making his own mistakes.

All I can do is love him, which I do. I love him more than anything in the world.

Which is why it sucked to walk away.

But I told him that I think our biggest problem is that he never worked out all his issues with Lisa before we got together, so now they are resurfacing and wreaking havoc on my life. And I have enough havoc without Lisa's drama.

He's angry at her. He doesn't trust her. He doesn't think she will change. But he still loves her.

I explained to him that we all have people we love in our lives that end up being toxic. You just have to tell them to go and stop the hurting.

Again, this is his decision, not mine. If he gets hurt again, I know it was not my fault.

After hours of talking, I told him that I loved him. I told him that he obviously needed time to get his shit in order, and I would try to hold on while he did that. I wanted to be a bitch and tell him to go fuck himself, but I don't feel that way about him. I love him, and I want him to find happiness. I just think that everyone in the world except him realizes that he had happiness with me and not her.

But if he doesn't love me as much as he loves her, then that's not fair to me. It's also pretty shitty because she is a horrible, awful person, but once again, not my problem.

I told him maybe it wasn't goodbye. Maybe it was "see you later." I kissed him and cried on his chest. And then I got in my car.

He didn't act like it was goodbye. In fact, when I asked him about Shelby's Christmas gifts he even said, "If we're somehow not together at Christmas..."

I really want to believe that he'll come home. But I don't. I just don't think his heart is with me, no matter how much I've given and no matter how much I loved.

Much like I have loved him more than he's loved me, he loves Lisa much more than she is capable of loving back, if she is capable of loving at all...

I haven't talked to him since Tuesday night. Since December, I have never gone 24 hours without talking to him, and let me tell you, it hurts like hell. I think the hardest part is that I didn't get to say goodbye to Shelby, and the fact that I know she misses me. It's my own fault for pretending she was my kid and taking care of her the way I did, but I can't change that now. In fact, I wouldn't change anything about my life with Chris and Shelby unless I could change these three shitty weeks that I've had. I love them more than anything, and I will always treasure and remember Saturday mornings with Handy Manny, all the popsicles and breakfasts, cookouts, and "play swings, Laurie." I'll even miss the damn beauty pageants.

I'm just sad. I'm lonely. I'm hurt. But I'll get better...somehow.

Sorry to whine so much lately. I am trying to move on with my life, but after nine great months, it's the hardest thing I've done in a really long time. It'll get easier, but it's going to take a while.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Thanks, Amy!

I was just catching up on my friend Amy's blog. She had the most perfect quote, that just reminded me that everything will be ok.

Are you ready?

Here it is:

"I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. That is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.

OK, so the evil and injustice that Dr. King faced was much more evil and unjust than a woman who steals her kid from her husband and has him thrown in jail. But still, it reminded me why I have done everything I have done and that in the end, somehow, good will prevail.

It's also funny because Chris' sister just sent me an e-mail saying "My brother's reality is distorted right now."

Maybe there really is a chance that he will come back to truth and unconditional love once he gets back to reality.

We'll see... I have to decide if I am going to go to the girls' pageants next week. It will be odd without Shelby participating.


First of all, I decided I was starving last night and tried to eat. I thought Fruity Pebbles would be OK. I was wrong. I'll spare you the details, but I was painfully wrong.

So, I've given up on eating again. I think I've gone so long that my body is over it. I'm pretty fat, so I should be able to keep going for a while anyhow.

They say there are stages of grief. I've totally been in denial (he'll realize he hates Lisa and come back), and I'm definitely depressed, but mostly right now, I am angry.

I'm angry because I spent the last nine months picking up someone else's shit, only to have that person saunter back in with her lies and abuse and pick up where she left off.

I'm angry because I did everything I could to make sure that he and Shelby were happy and had the lives they deserved, and it doesn't even matter.

I'm sick of my best never being good enough. What the fuck am I supposed to do about that?

I'm angry because he is using his child as an excuse when he knows full well that she loves having me in her life and it's not fair to make me go away. He needs to just admit that despite her abuse and the fact that she is a class-A bitch, he will always love Lisa. She can do whatever she wants and get away with it for some unknown reason. It's sure not because she's pretty or nice.

I'm angry that promises and commitments to me mean NOTHING. I'm angry that I'm being pushed aside so someone else gets not a second chance, but a fifth, sixth, seventh chance.

I'm angry that I wouldn't ever dream of lying to him, and he is settling for someone who can't tell the truth.

I just want to be worth it, just one time. That's all it takes.

I'm trying to get over the anger before he comes to my house tonight. If he comes. He's stood me up so much lately, that I've just about given up on getting to tell him goodbye in person. I promised Wendell and Janice that I would not do this at their house, and I care about them and will not disrespect them.

I understand that he says he's confused. Believe me, no one is more confused than I am. I just don't know why you'd even have to think about it. How can you even compare a woman who has you arrested, kidnaps your child and is incapable of telling the truth to someone who would do anything for you and has been there for you during the darkest period of your life (caused by that woman)?

I guess he has to figure that out. It's really not my problem anymore.