Does anybody read these?

In the news...

In an interesting twist of irony, this article was just on Yahoo when I went to check my e-mail. If only I'd read it months ago...

Lying? Your face will give you away: study

Liars might think they are good at covering up their deceit but a new Canadian study shows there's one thing they can't control that will give them away -- flashes of emotion in their faces.

Researchers at Dalhousie University's Forensic Psychology Lab in Halifax conducted the first detailed study on the secrets revealed when people put on a false face or inhibit various emotions, and found their faces told the truth.

But instead of clues like shifty eyes or sweaty brows, their expression would crack briefly, allowing displays of true emotions such as happiness, sadness, disgust and fear to come through.

"Unlike body language, you can't monitor or completely control what's going on your face," Stephen Porter, who worked on the research, said in a statement.

The researchers, who reported their findings in journal Psychological Science, examined the case of Canadian Michael White who sobbed as he made a public appeal for the return of his missing pregnant wife Liana White in July 2005.

But three days later, flashes of anger broke through his sadness and he said he was so frustrated with the police that he was going to find his wife himself, leading volunteer searchers directly to her body in a ditch on the outskirts of Edmonton.

He was charged and convicted of second-degree murder.

When Porter and his team analyzed White's plea frame by frame, they found hints of anger and disgust in his face, not noticed by most of the public.

The researchers also studied adult who were asked to view images that ranged from happy (puppies playing) to fearful (a close-up of open-mouthed rabid dog) and disgusting (a severed hand).

They were told to respond with genuine or deceptive expressions and their reactions recorded.

Porter said no one was able to falsify emotions perfectly. Some emotions were harder to fake than others. Happiness was easier to fake than disgust or fear.

Here's the link (http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080424/lf_nm_life/lying_face_dc_1), but we all know they will die soon enough, and I want to make sure everyone reads this. Think of all the tears that we wouldn't have shed at Margaritas and Senoritas last night if we'd known about this. One of us even said, "It's amazing how someone can look right at you and lie to your face and you don't even know she's doing it."

Sometimes I did know. I just thought that our friendship outweighed the lies. I never really expected that our friendship WAS the lie. Oops.

posted by Laura at 9:24 AM | 1 comment(s)

Growing up

When I was in college, I used to think the best friend in the world was the one who would hold your hair while you puked after a night of binge drinking. That was always Michael. I had lots of friends who made sure that I got home safely when I drank too many black widows or did shots with a guy named Tequila Scott. Life was good.

We're grown-ups now, and it's a little different. Occasionally, someone still has to make sure I get home OK, but now friendships look a little more like this: kidnapping a friend for the day because her husband is a jack ass and decided to serve her with divorce papers on her birthday; buying an assload of baby clothes at Toyland for a friend who's decided to have a baby on her own; holding someone's hand while you both pray that second blue line doesn't appear; and, one I found out about last night, sitting on your couch feeding a friend popsicles because the chemo is giving her hot flashes.

There are still nights that I get too drunk and need someone to help me get home, but those nights are fewer and farther between. I left my college days behind many, many years ago. I know. It's sad, but true. These gray hairs and all the meds I take with my morning cup of coffee that remind me that I'm not 21 years old anymore with my biggest decision being whether I wanted Burrito Buggy or Goodfella's Pizza after I stumbled out of O'Hooley's on Thursday night. In fact, when I go out on Thursdays now (which is rare), Seth only plays until 10, and I am still in bed by midnight, at the latest.

We have grown-up jobs and grown-up bills and, as it comes to my attention more and more each day, grown-up problems. Our husbands are leaving us; we're knocked up by a guy we barely know; we're not knocked up by a guy we barely know; and we have cancer.

I work 60 hours a week because I'm trying to be more financially responsible. I might even read a Dave Ramsey book. I was in junior high almost 20 years ago, and I have no desire to be there right now. I just don't.

In the last two months, I cannot tell you how many times that I have heard and/or uttered the phrase: "She's 23 years old; she just doesn't know any better." But that's not an excuse for awful behavior. Otherwise, when she's 24, the excuse will be "She's 24," then 25, and on and on and on... And I'll still be too old for junior high.

All I know is that good friends don't make you feel bad about yourself. They don't steal a bed that they know you need and then not answer their phones when they promised they'd help you move. They don't talk about you behind your back and blab things you tell them in confidence. They don't tell your other friends that you're working and that's why you're not at an event when they never invited you. They don't steal your roommate or your boyfriend (or both). They don't get wasted and crash on your couch the night you're recovering from surgery.

I just feel like a chump. I cannot believe I put so much trust into someone who did not deserve it in the least. I guess that's how relationships work, though. You put your trust into someone and just hope they don't screw you and break your heart.

I hope the hurting is over for me. All I know is that seeing this under the bright, flourescent lights makes me realize that I didn't do ANYTHING wrong at all. I was just dealing with someone who is incapable of having any best friend except herself. I believe everyone should be their own best friend, but not to the detriment of the others around them.

Song of the day: "You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone" by Brooks & Dunn.

posted by Laura at 7:52 AM | 2 comment(s)

Worth it?

So, last night I was jamming out to my imaginary boyfriend, Charles Kelley, singing the best Lady Antebellum song ever.

'Cause I been doin' fine without you
Forgettin' all the love we once knew
And girl, I ain't the one that slammed that door
Now you see a change of thinkin'
But I ain't got a heart for breakin' up
So go and pick your bags up off my floor
Oh, 'cause love don't live here anymore

Charles couldn't sing any truer words. Bags have been packed, and tears have been wiped away. Love don't live here anymore.

I wonder someday, will she look back and think that it was worth it?

She's alienated all of her friends over a guy who doesn't even care about her. It's not my place to worry about her -- she doesn't deserve it and God knows I have bigger things to worry about right now. I have friends who have real problems that they don't deserve and didn't bring upon themselves.

It's easy to see now why there was no room for me in her life. I would've been the one who told her it was a bad idea, just like she told me with Married Guy and Booty Call Michael. The difference was that I knew exactly what they were and came out relatively unscathed. I wish I could honestly think that's what would happen in her case.

I always used to think that she was so self-confident and wish that I could be a little more like her. Having recently had a run-in with someone who expected me to be like her, it's safe to say that I'm really glad that never happened. I have gained some self-confidence lately, but mostly it's because there's no one telling me that my boyfriend doesn't love me and everyone hits on her first. (Everyone DOES hit on my friend Mistee first, but we don't talk about it. Ha ha.)

I hope she finds whatever it is that she's looking for in life. I hope she comes out of the big, giant mess that she's in relatively unharmed. Maybe she'll grow up someday and really find that self-esteem she claims to have, because all I see is a scared, young kid who seems to get her self-worth by debasing herself.

I'll keep lighting her candle. God's the only person who can help her.

Song of the day: "Love Don't Live Here" by Lady Antebellum

posted by Laura at 9:49 AM | 2 comment(s)

Blah

I have been crying off and on for two days now. Like crying to the point that I can't do anything else, not my normal misty-eyedness. I'm sure that part of it is PMS. I'm sure that part of it is not.

My life is in a very odd place right now. In some ways, I'm getting back to my roots. In some ways (I hope), I'm about to embark on some exciting new adventures.

We booked our house for vacation in November yesterday. Pictures soon come. I'm hoping I'll get more excited the closer that it gets. With my mood and everything else, I haven't given it much thought.

We're at my busiest time of the year for work. My awards program has ramped up, and I have tons of other stuff do this week -- dozens of press releases, a magazine, a newsletter, an article. Very busy.

But I needed to take a break to clear my head. Not that I'm telling you all much right now. I debated taking a break from blogging all together, but I figured I'd tell you what my life was like right now. If I disappear for a bit, now you know why.

I had my feelings hurt pretty badly last night, and I'm sure that's part of why I'm so upset right now. Yesterday was just a completely shitty day. I'm glad it's over, so I can work on today and all the todays in my future.

I don't know what's next. And I'm not sure I want to talk about it anytime soon, anyhow. I think I run my mouth too much. I said that to someone yesterday: "I'm just going to shut up before you get even more pissed than you already are."

At least I realized and stopped ahead of time yesterday. That's a new one for me. I still haven't opened my mouth back up, and I'm not sure when that's going to happen. I think I'd rather listen to the silence than say anything, and that's something new for me, too.

Really, I should be happy right now. I really should. And in many ways I am. I just have shit to figure out that's making my head hurt.

And to top it all off, Toyland decided to can someone, and they gave me her only shift this week. It coincided with my massage appointment, and I'm not particularly happy about it.

That's it for now. Stay tuned for a complete and total recap of "How Laura Got Her Groove Back" where I share all the gritty details of all things men for the last year, and then we analyze why the only one in my life who is not a shithead is one who loves me except for the fact that I have a hoohah.

Song of the day: "How Can I Help You to Say Goodbye" by Patty Loveless.

posted by Laura at 11:25 AM | 0 comment(s)

Quote of the day

"The bridges were not burned, but the torches were lit." -- a co-worker, about something totally not related to anything here in my blog.

Just because torches get lit once in a while, it doesn't mean there's any reason to burn the bridge. Just blow the flame out, retract your claws and make tomorrow a new day.

That's some practical advice, don't you think?

Song of the day: "(Hey, Why Don't You Play) Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song" by BJ Thomas. Long story, but it's totally appropriate today for lots of reasons.

posted by Laura at 1:32 PM | 0 comment(s)

Lesson learned?

OK, I should've learned by now that running my big mouth gets me in trouble every time. So this is all I'm saying about this topic for quite a while. I need to go back to not dealing with/worrying about/obsessing over it.

I have said my part. I went back and re-read some of what I wrote here, and I was never an asshole or malicious. I just said that if someone had decided not to love me and be my friend anymore then I had to respect that and move on. I never stopped loving anyone; and believe me, it never stopped hurting.

It hurt me more than anyone can imagine. I made myself physically sick over this. To the point that my life has to change dramatically to deal with my health problems. Now, that is something that probably needed to happen all along, but it scares me that I could be so stressed out about one person not wanting to be my friend that I could get my blood pressure to dangerously high levels. Seriously, I've been a walking time bomb for the past month.

I don't know how I was supposed to think that our friendship hadn't ended. I said that to her yesterday: "How was I supposed to know that you didn't hate me when you wouldn't return my messages or even acknowledge that I was alive?"

She replied to that and said she didn't know what to think.

I told her to take her time and that from now on I would assume we were friends until she told me point-blank to move on. However, I thought that by saying, "I'm done" and our friendship was "gone," that she'd done that before. We talked more yesterday via text and e-mail than we probably have in the last few months. In some ways, that is good; in some ways, it makes me very sad.

Friendships evolve, and I know that part of the reason we've been so close in the year that she's lived here is because she didn't have anyone else to hang out with. It's OK that she does now. I don't need to be #1 in anyone's life except my own; but I don't want to not be in her life. I was talking to Cindy this morning about how friendships change. God knows, ours has. I think a break was (is?) good, and I hope that soon enough we can get back to late-night chats and Margaritas and Senioritas Mondays (or whatever day it happens to be). I like the fun stuff, but I know she has other people she can rely on now. I do, too. I also know that our friendship was going to change anyhow once she didn't live so close, so I guess this prepared me for it. assuming there is a friendship.

We've both been hurt over the past few months. The last month I've driven Will nuts because any time I go more than 20 minutes without a text message from him, I think about her telling me that I was fooling myself if I thought he loved me. I just know he makes me happy, and even though it probably wasn't my best decision in the world, I think I deserve some happiness in my life. It's been a long time coming, and I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Of course, I have to laugh when I think about Michael (my Michael, not the one who buys me whiskey and tries to sleep with me) saying, "So, tell me about this new boyfriend. Is he straight?"

I threw a tortilla chip at him, if you were wondering.

My whole point of all my ranting over the past month (aside from getting it out of my system before I had a stroke), was that sometimes we accidentally (or maybe even on purpose) hurt someone we care about. It's happened to all of us. But a good friendship can survive it. I'm not saying that the friendship doesn't come out with nicks and bruises, but it comes out. Things pick up where they left off. One of my friends said yesterday when I was fussing over all this once again: "If you're friends, you'll both say you were hurt, aplogize and then move on like nothing happened."

I am truly sorry for everything I've done or said that hurt her. I know that she's truly sorry for everything she's done and said to hurt me. Now it's just time to start healing, right?

Regardless, the ball's in her court. I hope that I'm worth it to her. I just know I can't worry about it because I need to stay healthy. People tell me that I'd be missed if I were dead, so I have to keep my blood pressure down.

posted by Laura at 8:33 AM | 0 comment(s)

About that whiskey night...

Remember that episode of Friends where Ross and Rachel are on a break?

Oops.

I guess I'm like Ross sleeping with the girl at the copy store.

There really hasn't been anything in the last month that made me think that I was on a break. My phone calls and texts have not been returned. Invitations have been extended and ignored. And the words "I'm done" were uttered.

So how was I supposed to know it was a break?

Well, apparently it was. I don't know if it still is, because apparently things that I said here on my blog have made it worse. I tried very carefully to not air my dirty laundry here, but the fact is that I have been hurting, and I had no reason to believe after all the calls and pleading that my friend was ever coming back. So, I did what I had to do. I picked myself up by the boots and tried to brush off as best I could.

I have never said anything hurtful here. I did say that it wasn't fair to blame Will for our problems, because it is not. We both felt hurt long before he was ever in the picture.

Despite Cindy asking me the other day how much rejection I could take, I decided to just extend one more olive branch today. And it was almost picked up.

I love Kay. Regardless of whether she decides to walk away or not, she will always be one of my dearest friends and have a very special place in my heart. The last month of my life without her has been pure hell. But I can't wake up and put myself in hell everyday not knowing if she's ever going to come back. I just didn't think it was a break, so I tried to deal as best I could.

That's all I can do. All I know is that if we ever hope to solve our problems, we need to deal with them in person, like people do, not on myspace or on a blog or by text message.

We'll see. Maybe sometimes love isn't enough.

If I didn't wonder if she were too young to get it, I'd totally go Ross Gellar on her ass and call her and scream "We were on a break!" into the phone!

posted by Laura at 3:16 PM | 1 comment(s)

My best friend

As I write this, I can hear that Michael W. Smith song, "Friends" in my head.

"...Friends are friends forever,
if the Lord's the Lord of them.
And a friend will not say 'never,'
'cause the welcome will not end..."

As you all know, I recently had a friend decide that she no longer wanted to be my friend. It was something that any of you who read here everyday know was probably a long time coming.

Frankly, I could make all kinds of suppositions about what happened with our friendship. I could, but I won't. I'm sick of analyzing it. She is not losing any sleep over this, so neither should I. I'm just putting it up on a shelf and walking away. I don't like the person that I've been the last few months, and I'm pretty positive it's directly related to all of this bull shit, so I'm just taking a break from it.

Whether the break is temporary or permanent remains to be seen. But, at least for now, I have to move on.

However, before I could move on, I had to get past the blame game that I had going on with myself. I know that no one incident caused this rift in our friendship. And I know that in some ways, we're both to blame. But because of the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back," which got blamed on me 100 percent, I had to forgive myself in order to move on.

Yes, I probably did hurt her with my actions. I probably could've handled it a little better than I did. I probably should've just kept my mouth shut, honestly. That's what she would've done. But I don't regret anything that's happened. I don't blame anyone. I apologized to her, and that's all I can do. If she doesn't want to accept that apology, that's not my problem.

But regardless, I was feeling like a shitty friend yesterday. Nevermind that all of my other friends tell me that I'm a great friend, and I know that she's being unreasonable. I just felt like maybe I was an awful person for what I "did" to her.

In the throes of my bad day and shitty-friend feelings, I decided to send a text to my dearest friend in the whole world: Mike. I miss him, and I knew he could probably say something that would cheer me up.

I didn't hear from him until 2:30 or so, and cheering me up was definitely on his agenda. You see, when he got my text he was actually in Tennessee. In Knoxville, but it's still Tennessee. So, he drove hundreds of miles out of his way, half-way across the state and showed up at my office with a humongous vase of flowers to take me out to dinner.

We went to El Mariachi. I briefly thought about convincing him to split the fajitas for two with me, but decided on a burrito instead.

We caught up, but we didn't talk about what had been bothering me. We didn't have to, because him showing up answered all the questions I had in my brain.

No, I am not a bad friend.
Yes, people love me. They love me enough to travel hundreds of miles out of their way to make sure I'm OK.
There are people who would do anything for me in this world.
And, if after everything we've been through, Mike and I can be friends, then there really isn't a gripe in the world that anyone else could have that would be worth walking away.

But, if someone wants to walk away, I can't stop them. I can hope and pray that maybe someday they'll come back with a new perspective on our friendship, like Mike and I have done. If someone is meant to be in your life, they will be. That being said, I also know that some people are only in your life for a very specific purpose and period of time.

And, you know what? That's OK too.

A long, long time ago I was on my way to church, and Kay asked me to light a candle for her after mass. I did that every single Sunday until she moved here. I guess I forgot about it when she was so nearby. Of course, part of that could be that I haven't gotten to church nearly as much either.

But I went back to church on Sunday, which was right where I needed to be. And after mass, I lit her candle again. A few prayers never hurt anyone.

I just finished reading a book, called "Someone Like You," that is about the trials and tribulations of two women who are best friends. It was a good little book, tied up neatly with happy endings. What intrigued me most about this book was a quote on the back cover:

"A true friend is a promise that you keep forever."

I learned last night how true that is. And I'm not breaking any promises to anyone. Ever.

Even if they have to sit on a shelf for a while. And all that reminds me of the next part of the Michael W. Smith song:

"... Though it's hard to let you go,
In the Father's hands, we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends."

Song of the Day: "My Best Friend" by Tim McGraw.

God bless each and everyone of my friends. Thank you for their unconditional love.

P.S. Because I'm a girl, I'm posting a picture of my flowers, too.

posted by Laura at 1:24 PM | 1 comment(s)

Back?

Sheri said in a recent comment that I sounded like I'm "back." I am trying, but I am still so busy. I'm just sneaking a few minutes to write this before I go find some lunch.

I am trying to see if I might able to find a way to spend less time working. I'll keep you posted on that if anything new develops.

I have to deal with my health problems. That is going to require making time to make good meals for myself and making time to exercise everyday. My whole life needs to change in this regard: no smoking, less drinking, more working out.

And less stress and worrying, which is the tallest order. I don't know how I'm going to do that. I know I need to pray more (I'm actually going to stop by St. Edward's at lunch time and see if I can light some candles. Just don't think it can wait until Sunday.) And I need to start forgiving myself for things that I've done. I just run this replay in my head of things that I can't change over and over again. Everything's done. I need to forgive myself, even if others do not forgive me. I can't go back and undo time, and honestly I am not sure I would if I could. Yeah, I made some questionable choices, but I did what I thought was right at the time. Now I need to do what I think is right to keep moving on. I'm not 100-percent sure I'm there yet. I suspect there is going to be more of the proverbial cutting of the fat. We'll see.

There will be real cutting of the fat. I HAVE to lose 50 pounds by the end of the year. It's the perfect time to try, as margaritas and fajitas every week have been postponed indefinitely.

In the next few months, I will probably continue to make a lot of changes in my life. There have been days in the past year or so that I didn't recognize the person who looked back at me in the mirror, but not in a good way. All of that changes today.

Song of the day (I may have used it before, but too fucking bad if that bothers you): Stronger Woman by Jewel.

posted by Laura at 11:17 AM | 2 comment(s)

Happy Trails...

(Will I ever hear the song "Happy Trails" without thinking of my friend's boss who got caught buying Roy Rogers memorabilia when she was supposed to be doing work. Very funny, but who am I to judge. Of course, this is not going to be an all-day post-a-thon, I'm just sharing some very exciting news.)

This is going to be a good year for Laura, sports fans. Oh yes, a good year indeed. We had some rockiness, but that's all done now.

Ironically, though, I have developed a new-found appreciation for Rascal Flatts. They are still talentless, unattractive hacks, but they sing a lot of songs about people who are incapable of having meaningful relationships and the havoc they wreak, so I'm relating to a lot of their stuff lately.

Don't worry. I won't have posters of Joe Don in my room or anything anytime soon.

But you know who might have posters that I would buy? And then I could party like it's 1989! My boyfriends are back, friends. Jordan, Joey, Donnie, Jonathan and D-wood are in da house. They're coming back. And my friend Shay and I are going to be in the front row. I'm bringing the lighters for "I'll Be Loving You Forever."

And just so you know, they are freaking hotter than ever. And now I'm legal. Too bad they didn't gain all the weight that I have.

OK, so number one is the New Kids reunion (and the little oh-oh-oh part from The Right Stuff stuck in my head).

Next: Trader Joes is coming to Green Hills. The wine bill hasn't passed here yet, so no two-buck Chuck, but this is great news considering when I called the company they told me they weren't coming here until they could sell wine. I'm getting so excited about cheap butternut squash ravioli and hummus that I might have a heart attack.

Lastly: The City Paper has another article on this Gore-gets-the-Presidential-nomination-at-the-primary scenario, and even though I know it really won't happen, it gives me false hope that America will be OK. And lately I've been digging whatever false hope I can get. It's much better news than Obama flitting around America telling everyone that he's going to put Gore on his cabinet, because Al has repeatedly said he will not serve on either person's cabinet. Oh well.

I hate to put bad news in this post, but it's my blog and I need to ask you all to pray for me. My health is not doing so well lately. My blood pressure is not cooperating, even with medicine. I'm not sure what's going to happen when I go to the doctor next week. I had to shell out $50 for an at-home monitor, and for the most part, my readings have been really shitty. Starting next week I am putting myself on an uber-strict diet and exercise plan. I'm really scared about it, which doesn't help. Nor does all my stress lately, which is why I am letting go and letting God on a lot of things. We'll see how my life shapes up in the next few months.

Anyhow, the song of the day is "Better As A Memory" by Kenny Chesney, which I heard on the radio for the first time today. Maybe I'll crank KC up on the iTunes today. I kind of miss him. Not enough to pay $120 to see him, but a little...

posted by Laura at 8:45 AM | 2 comment(s)