Quiet
I've been busy and grumpy, but I thought I would have to check in.
I am tired, so this will be quick. I am ready for bed. I shouldn't be, since I didn't get up until 10 a.m. and only worked for five hours, but I am.
My dryer is almost fixed. Tomorrow I will have the new part installed, and then I should have dry, warm clothes again. I am so excited to do laundry.
Life is not bad. It could be better but it's not bad.
I'm happy most of the time. That has to count for something.
I'll be busy at work this week. Pretty much busy from here to Convention at the end of August. Somewhere in the next month -- my family is visiting August 17 and then my mom will be back the 30th for a week. I'd like to get a trip to Virginia squeezed in after Gatlinburg, but I'm not sure what's going on with that.
I'm voting Republican
Before you get pissed off at the title of this post, click on the link.
http://www.imvotingrepublican.com/Then, you should get pissed at the state of affairs in this country (did I mention my parents lost their health insurance yesterday), and forward this to all of your friends.
I sent it in an e-mail, and I'm afraid some people didn't look at it. But it's important that EVERYONE sees this.
Did I mention that the Blue Cross that my parents have had since my dad got his job in 1970 is GONE?!? And that what used to be the biggest, baddest and best company in all of America, is slowly but surely going down the shitter?
Now, stop reading this and forward that link to your friends. If McCain wins, I'm coming to your house and kicking your ass if you don't!
Blech
When the least shitty thing to happen to you on a given day is your weigh-in for your new weight-loss group, AND you're fat and the number was bigger than you've seen in probably five, maybe six years, you know it's going to be a very bad day.
I called my mom this morning, only to find that the company formerly known as Generous Motors is cutting retirees' health benefits to keep from going bankrupt. I guess it would be worse if they went bankrupt, but my mom has a lot of health problems and I don't know how she and dad are going to afford to pay for her prescriptions if they only have Medicare -- as long as Medicare lasts anyhow.
There's more going wrong. I'm not in a good mood. I just want to cry. I'm not going into it, but this makes me feel a little better just by telling you all that I'm having a shitty day.
And to think when I got up this morning I was excited about my $2 door mat and new sheets that I got on clearance at Target. Things can turn on a dime, can't they?
I'm too young to have to worry about taking care of my parents, but it's my responsibility. Mom says everything will be OK, but I guess I just realized recently that none of us are as young as we used to be...
OK
I am doing really well right now. I guess I just needed to hear some things were going to be OK. And, you know what? I think everything is going to be OK. No, actually I know it will be.
I worry about stuff that does not need to be worried about. I'm not sure why I do that, but I wish I didn't. I think it all stems from not liking myself all the time.
But I like myself a lot right now. I've had some changes in my life, and I see more in my future, but they are all going to be great. I'm pretty content with where I am. And if I'm not, then I will be soon enough.
One thing is for sure, I'm not ever going to shed tears over someone who wouldn't shed them over me. And I'm not going to be all upset about something that happened in the past when a) there is nothing else I can do about it and b) I know that no one else is overly concerned about it.
I haven't cried in ages, except for tears of utter joy over a recent conversation (some of you might know what was said) and the tears from my pain-splitting migraines. But number of tears shed over fucked-up relationships has stood at zero lately.
I'm just happy to be happy again, because I think I deserve it. And, yeah, I shed a lot of tears to get here, and but I learned a lot of lessons along the way.
And I haven't gone anywhere or shut any doors. I'm just putting in as much effort as everyone else, because putting in more is why I end up crying.
That lesson, right there, is worth all the gold in the world.
Sick
I feel really crappy today. I don't know what's going on but I feel like I could throw up. I'm hoping I'm just hungry. It's not heart burn, because Tums didn't help. I think I have a fever, but there's nothing I can do about that because I rode in the car pool, and I can't go home.
I wish there were still an Eckerd across the street. Or that my brother didn't work during the days now and could give me his best non-doctor diagnosis. I know my medical records aren't at my doctor's new office yet, so I haven't called her, but maybe I should.
I'm trying to decide if I will be well enough to go to Toyland tonight. I just feel like crap.
I was going to say something else, but my horoscope told me to be quiet today even if it was hard, so I'll just tell you that I am sick and grumpy. I don't think the issues that are not a lingering, vomitous sensation are going away anytime soon anyhow...
More random stuff
Let's see, what's new in my life?
I did get to see the Elfman on Saturday night. And because it's come to my attention that certain people might be visiting my blog because they think I might have something to say about the Elfman, I will just say that my friends and I greatly enjoyed the show, and I think I am getting too old for the Sandbox. I have been in there for both Nashville shows since I moved here, and while it was short enough that I could actually see this year, it is just too long of a day to stand in one place and not be able to get drinks or go pee. The concert was good, and I really am going to post my review on my music blog soon enough. Maybe tonight.
I'm getting my hair cut tonight. I have no idea what to do with it, so I may let Marion be in charge. She does such a good job. I ordered new checks today. They are beaches with palm trees and blue water. I think I'm getting homesick for that little island that is not really my home.
I am hard core on the weight loss thing now. And I seriously mean hard core. We're having a contest at work, and the winner gets money. I want to win. Of course, little miss lazy ass now doesn't want to go to the gym because it's raining, but I need to suck it up because I need to lose weight.
I wanted to learn how to do scrapbooking, but I don't know where to start. I just got an email about it and there were some cute beachy things that keep saying "Hello, vacation photos!" But let's be honest. How long have I had my empty picture frame propped up against my wall without vacation pictures in it? Did you guess six weeks?
My love life is interesting these days, to say the least. I have a lot to think about, but I'm not thinking about it right now because whatever is supposed to happen is going to happen. I got off track for a while, but I think it will be OK now. At least I hope so...
The glass that Kay gave me the weekend we met in real life has seen better days. It's got palm trees, flip-flops and sunglasses on it. It did have some that floated around inside until all the water dripped out of one of the cracks. It's been just about exactly two years, and I think I accidentally put it in the dishwasher once. (OK, I know I did. Oops.) But I keep it because it reminds me of her. Things were getting better, but now they seem shaky again. I can't keep being tried for the same crimes over and over again. Maybe she's just busy, but just in case she's not, I think that when two people apologize and kiss and make up, that's it. So, that's where I am, and I hope she's just busy, because it was nice having her back. Regardless, I think I said that I wasn't going to keep replaying events that I have no control over in my brain until I make myself sick.
I need to just get back to running all my frustrations out. Maybe I'll be ready for the Boston Marathon at this rate.
Rambling
Today is a kind-of weird day. I am just wrapping up some loose ends at work and looking forward to the weekend, where I plan to do mostly nothing and I'm pretty excited about it. At first, I thought I might be social, but I do want to clean up my house a little, watch more episodes of Michelle's House DVDs (I'm already on season three) and relax. I don't really want to think about what's good in my life, or what's not good in my life. I don't want to analyze my current trail of half-assed relationships and engage in self-blame. I don't want to criticize myself and/or others. I don't want to worry about conflicts that may or may not exist. I just want to not think or worry about anything.
I'm hoping it works. I plan to sleep a lot so that should help. It just seems like everything is rolling along OK and then it gets shitty again.
I was going to go to the gym today, but instead I'm just sitting at my desk. I didn't have anything for my lunch this morning, and it wasn't my day to drive in the car pool, so I'll probably be starving by 5 p.m. I didn't think it was wise to go to the gym because I know that working out will make me hungrier.
I am trying to get a little more organized at work. I can't believe that all this clutter helps me at all.
I am just rambling. I have a lot going on, and I just don't want to say anything, but I want to talk -- does that make sense. You see, that is why I am a writer. When I talk, it's just harder for me to get out what I want to say. Although lately, it seems like my writing doesn't really help either. It helps me. I just don't know if it helps in the grand scheme of things.
I need to stop dredging up the past. It cannot change. All I have is the future, and I want it to be great. I just need to work on that and not worry about things that cannot be undone. If I am committed to doing what is right now, then all my fuck-ups in the past should matter a little less, shouldn't they? That's the courtesy I extend to most others. I guess I can hope. I need to be hopeful these days, if for no other reason but to be sane.
Maybe it's time to develop an independence from all the bad thoughts that run through my head all the time. Maybe that'll be the point of my independence day this year. I really need to make that my goal.
Gephardt?
So, word on the street is that the Republicans are afraid of Dick Gephardt. They should be. He's a good man.
He's so good, in fact, that if BO (my new name for our candidate) picks him as a running mate, I will wear his t-shirts and write him a check. (You can hold me to this.) I have faith in Dick Gephardt. Enough faith that I believe it could eclipse all of my doubts about Obama, and I still have lots of them -- especially of his campaign strategy here.
This is, of course, because Wes Clark basically said what most of us had been thinking and now everyone hates him. Seriously. Pretty much all he said was that he doesn't question McCain's service, but he does question how his life experiences have not affected his judgment. He's the only person I know who had awful things happen to him in Vietnam and he LOVES war. I was a Bob Kerrey supporter in 1992. I love Max Clelland. Even Wes Clark came out of Vietnam a little more peaceful. But John McCain spends five years in the Hanoi Hilton and doesn't see what's wrong with spending 100 more years in Iraq? That is a judgment problem, and not one I want to see from someone with his finger on the big, red button.
I still love Wes Clark, because a good military man has the balls to say what's right when everyone else looks the other way. It's why Colin Powell had to leave the current administration, isn't it?
Moments...
A while back, I was having a conversation with one of my friends, and I realized that I wasn't quite sure why I was friends with this person anymore. It wasn't that I didn't want to be friends, because I care about this person very much; I just didn't see the point. It seemed like they had moved on, and we had little in common. It's not like I want to burn the bridge or close the door, because I would always be there for this person if they reached out to me, but the reaching seems to happen less and less these days. That makes me sad, but I have plenty to keep me busy if someone has other people they'd rather spend time with.
Friendships evolve. Or sometimes they don't.
Just like Cindy, who is coming to visit this week, and I'm super-excited even though I've not yet figured out when I will get to see her. I told her to come see my new house, which isn't really my house, but I'm excited about it nonetheless. I never closed the door on Cindy. Or maybe I closed the door, but left the window cracked just a little bit. And even though we don't talk to each other every single day and she doesn't know all my deepest, darkest secrets anymore, I still know that if I needed her she would be here in a heartbeat. In fact, she has been there for me when no one else has, which is what Cindy does best.
So, now I don't ever really walk away from anyone, even if it really hurts that they ignore me and/or treat me like shit, whether it's permanent or temporary.
I think that every relationship that we have changes us somehow. We may not realize it for years afterward, but all friendships and loves are dynamic. And if they aren't, they should be.
I'm blessed with many good friends. I've had challenges with many of my friends. Life wouldn't be life if we didn't have challenges once in a while. Some of the challenges I would've rather not had, but I can see the benefit of every single person who's been in my life. Some have contributed much, and some have contributed less, but they've all made a difference. Some have taught me to be less trusting and naive, while others have taught me that I am a beautiful person, both inside and out. Everyone has value, even if they bring negativity into your life. And I try to keep the negative to a minimum when possible. Not that I ever shut the door; I might just look through the peephole next time.
I don't know why I'm so introspective right now. Maybe because the KennyLand Express from CrazyTown is rolling into Nashville this week, and I know there are people on it I'd rather not see. But they don't matter, and my time in CrazyTown really has helped me become the person I am today, and I like that person 95 percent of the time, and I think that's very good.
Song of the day: "It's good to be back" by Chris Cagle. Just because.
Jesus take the wheel...
... because Kristy Lee Cook just got a record deal to make herself a little country CD.
I just saw this little snippet on E! Online. God help us all.
The recently betrothed Kristy Lee Cook has inked a deal with 19 Recordings/Arista Nashville for a twang-heavy album debut, with her first single, "15 Minutes of Shame," already getting an Aug. 11 release date.
The as-yet unnamed album will be recorded, as with Davids Cook and Archuleta, on the road this summer during the Idols Live! tour. While no firm release date has been announced for the album, like the Davids', it will be due out this fall, presumably after David Cook's.
Kristy Lee Cook is wasting no time taking a page out of past Idols' playbooks: Arista Nashville is also home to Carrie Underwood, and her album is being produced by Brett James, who cowrote Underwood's megahit "Jesus Take the Wheel."
(Hopefully Cook will fare better than Idol alums Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard, Katharine McPhee and Blake Lewis, all of whom have been dropped by their
respective RCA-owned labels this year.)
I really don't like the idea of these no-talent hacks from reality shows coming to Nashville and filling our airwaves with super-shitty music. Isn't Rascal Flatts bad enough, really?
Well, I guess if I don't like her music, I can always listen to Julianne Hough.
Or maybe some Patsy Cline, to remind me of when real women sang country music.
(And P.S. I had picked the title of this post before I read that they had somehow harangued super-talented Brett James, who wrote that song, to produce this little munchkin's CD.)
Anyways, I'm off to vomit. And then make a mix tape of Carrie Underwear, Rascal Flatts, Bucky Covington and Kellie Pickle ... so I can drive over it with my car.
