Does anybody read these?

Monday, October 26, 2009


I haven't been writing, because I didn't know who was reading this.

Now I don't care, because if the people I think are reading it ARE reading it, there is something they need to see.

I got your message about forgetting you ever existed. Don't worry, I was already working on it.

I am not the person ruining your life. You're doing that all on your own. Oh, I think you have some help from "The Bitch" (remember "The Bitch"? That's what you used to call your wife before you started drinking her Kool-aid) who's lying in the bed next to you.

I have never hurt anyone. I wouldn't even know how. She, on the other hand, has proven time and time again that she cannot be trusted and that she would do anything to hurt you. Yet you continue to be a pawn in her games.

And, that is not my problem. I tried to save you, but only you can save yourself.

When all of this started, I told you I wasn't going to interfere with your family, and I have not. I have not. You are the one who decided to make poor choices, not I. You are the one who has gone back to hell. It's not my fault you are living with the devil and you are going to have to pay for it.

I haven't called Children's Services. I haven't hacked into your e-mail. I haven't sent you messages begging you to come back. You know full well I don't operate that way. Maybe you just want to believe that I still want you back.

But at this point, I do believe that you've broken my cardinal rule. I always told you that as long as you were honest with me, we would have no problems.

But you weren't honest. You told me you were doing what was best for Shelby, and you know you are not.

You told me you would tell me when things were over with me, and instead you moved in with another woman. I don't care if she's your wife. Frankly, SHE doesn't care if she is your wife.

I don't know what happened to the man I loved, but whoever you are now, well, you need to take your own advice and forget I existed. There won't be any gravy train to come ride on when Lisa leaves you this time. And believe me, it is coming. Or more likely, you'll have to leave her to get your daughter back. But all you ever wanted was to do what was right for Shelby, right?

Stop doing drugs. Get a job. Get some self-respect and realize you're worth more than Lisa gives you credit for. You are a good man. I have seen it. And I pray to God everyday that person comes back, for your sake and for Shelby's. For your whole family's sake, because, once again, everyone has been torn apart by Lisa's hurt and hatefulness.

Sometimes I think you get off on having Lisa treat you like shit, but let's not talk about all that here. That's neither here nor there, but we both know that I wasn't what you wanted in that department. In some ways, I'm probably too nice.

I am done. I am not in 7th grade, and I don't have the energy to play Lisa's games. I am not going to fight for someone who wouldn't fight for me.

I will love you until the day I die. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Unfortunately, you've also become my worse fucking nightmare. But I will always love you. I will always love you and Shelby with all my heart. I will pray for you everyday and I will wonder how you are, but the dreams of us living happily ever after are long gone. You shattered them when you shattered my heart.

Someday you'll realize who the "good guy" and the "bad guy" were here. Let's be honest. You already know.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Hanging in there

It's been over a month. There's not much hope left in these parts. I have heard so many rumors, but the only person who needs to be talking to me isn't. That says more than anyone else could say, really.

I tried really hard. I did the best I could. If that's not enough, then piss on him.

I just hope that Shelby doesn't get taken away. She's dirty. She's sad. They are not exactly behaving in a manner that would win them any parenting awards.

It's really unfortunate because "I'm trying to do what's right for Shelby" was his bullshit excuse for doing this at all.

I really honestly think that he thinks that when things don't work out with her -- and they won't -- that he can just stroll back into my life life nothing happened.

That's hilarious.

I am spending a fortune I don't have to see a great shrink. I take four different medications each day just to function without having a meltdown. I'm sad, lonely and angry.

But I'm standing my ground and not talking to him, because I don't want things to end any worse than they already have.

Because really all I want to tell him is to go fuck himself. But that's just because I'm pissed off today.

Last night all I wanted to tell him was that I was sorry I took his side of the bed.

It doesn't matter anymore. I am trying to move on with my life. I don't know that there's enough super glue in the world to ever repair my heart, but I am going to try. Actually, probably not. I think it is closed until further notice.

But that's OK. I needed a break too, and I like sleeping in on Saturdays and hogging the covers and pillows.

I miss him, and I still love him more than anything. I probably always will. I don't know what I'd do if he came back, but I'm betting I shouldn't worry too much about that.

I hope he has a good life. I hope that my nine months with Shelby instilled some good values in her to balance out the toxic environment she's in now.

Oh well. Sometimes things don't work out. I guess it's better that I know now.

It still hurts. It hurts more than I ever imagined.