I would've...
I haven’t really written for a while, but I’m pretty sure if
I don’t do so today that I will actually go insane. Have you ever actually felt
your mind reeling and your soul shocked and not known what to do with yourself?
Yeah, that’s me right now.
So when I last checked in last month, I was telling you that
things had not worked out with the adorable boy from Michigan who lit up my
world with his smile. I loved the way he smelled. I loved his bald head. I
loved the sound of his voice. I loved that he knew to give me Vernor’s when I
had an upset stomach and had his brother send us BetterMade chips to take on a
road trip. I loved the way he called me babe or mama and always told me he
loved me as our heads hit the pillow at night.
When I was last here in June, we were broken up. We both
made mistakes and it seemed like we were doomed. But then at the end of last
month, he called me one night and told me things he swore he never told anyone
else. I was there right next to him when his mom was in the hospital for a
week. I held his hand, I rubbed his back while he rested his head on my chest,
exhausted and worried about if she was going to be OK.
I was the first person he called when he found out he was
getting a big promotion and raise at work. They were sending him to Chicago for
training, and he wanted me to meet him up there at the end of the week so we
could spend some time together. I hated that I was out of town, but we promised
to celebrate when I got back.
He said he was working long hours, getting his shop ready
for the new equipment coming from Japan, and maybe he was. He apologized
profusely because now that I had free time, he was the one working 14-hour
days. I told him not to worry because I wasn’t going anywhere.
But apparently I was. Last week, we talked several times and
he seemed happy. He sent me a text every morning to wake me up, using words
like “beautiful” and “baby.” We talked on the phone and he ended every call
with “I love you.” He told me that he was really missing me and was working on
finding some free time to see me, but work was “crazy as shit.”
The last thing he said to me on Friday was, “See you
tomorrow, babe.” He was coming to his sister’s birthday party on my side of town
the next day, and we were supposed to meet up after I got off work.
Friday, 6:15 p.m. See you tomorrow, babe.
Saturday I texted him to see if he made it to work. He didn’t
answer, but he had told me his phone was acting up, and I knew he was trying to
get his work done to go to his sister’s party. I got busy with my day too.
Finally on my way to work I sent him a message that I hoped his phone was working
and to let me know if I was going to his mom’s when I got off work at 10.
When I hadn’t heard back at 9:30, I worried about how to get
in touch with him, figuring his phone was not working. Knowing his sister
loves to post pictures on Facebook, I figured that I’d check to see if there
were any from her party.
And I was unfriended. Figuring it was a mistake, I sent a
new friend request. I drove to his mom’s as planned, and it was dark and his
car wasn’t there. I decided to call and I saw my friend request had been
declined. He didn’t take my call.
So, here we are five days later. He did finally send a text
saying that he was sorry it happened this way.
That’s nice, but I still don’t know what it is or what this way
is. I have no fucking clue how we went from “I love you and I miss you mama,”
and “See you tomorrow, babe” to crickets.
Nothing. Not a word. No explanation. I am not saying that he
owes me some big dissertation or some weepy break-up scene. If you’re going to
be a pussy anyway, just send a two-sentence text or something.
Apparently there is a new phenomenon that you just disappear
rather than break up with people now. But that’s for after a few weeks maybe,
not on the six-month anniversary of the day you met.
I don’t deal well with not knowing or understanding things.
Not having any type of answers or warning is really not good for my mental
state. I have had some pretty bad break-ups, but this is so bizarre and I don’t
even know how to process it.
And while I know it’s his loss, and I know whatever he
thinks he found out there is not going to be as good as what I had to offer
him, I am kind of feeling a little used right now. I feel like maybe there wasn’t
anything there at all and I missed it and there was some agenda that I didn’t
realize. And that’s not a good way to feel.
Every day is easier than the last, and the shock is wearing
off. I’m beginning to see that maybe he wasn’t the person I thought he was. But
I also like to think I’m a pretty smart cookie most of the time, and this whole
situation has left me feeling like the dumbest shit in the history of the
universe. I also feel like maybe, perhaps I was just a big girl who lost her
mind because someone paid attention to her. It never felt like that at the
time, but he sure did get what he wanted and high-tail his way out of town,
didn’t he?
“See you tomorrow, babe.”
I had really hoped it was a broken phone or a
misunderstanding. And as I realize that it’s not, there are so many fresh
wounds and raw emotions that I can’t tamp down.
If I’d known that was our last hug, I would've held him
a little tighter for a little bit longer.
If I would've known it was the last time I would hear his
voice, I would’ve listened a little harder so I wouldn’t forget it.
If I would’ve known it was the last morning I woke up to
those big brown eyes , I would’ve stared into them a little longer.
I would’ve said “I love you a few more times.”
I would’ve called more and texted less (although it’s nice
to still see the words on my phone).
I would’ve grabbed a cup of coffee and headed to his house
that night I was tired and just wanted to go to bed early.
Would’ve. Would’ve. Would’ve. We never really know when our
last day with someone is, regardless of the circumstances.
I wish I could call him and talk to him about the Tigers trading
Dave Price today.
Oh, and to say:
I love you, and I am really missing you, babe.
Song of the day: "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey (because it had to be. Come on, now.)
posted by Laura at
3:05 PM
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