Adios, 2009?
OK, so I have been taking a break. I'm not sure if it's helped any, but it was worth a try. Part of the problem might be that I'm busy at work and my laptop is still broken, but you'll have that.
I thought I might try to write the obligatory Christmas letter, although not send it out because that requires way too much effort. And stamps. It requires a whole lot of stamps.
2009 was not the worst year ever. And for every bad part, there were some good ones. It definitely had its ups and downs.
At the beginning of the year, I was just embarking on a new relationship with a really sweet guy. Yes, he was a bit of a redneck who worked on cars, but he treated me well, and, along with his daughter, we made a cute, little family. Well, after many long car rides on Sundays, trips to Toys R Us, a vacation in Florida and family dinners, that ended as quickly as it began. There was a lot of drama, and there are still a lot of hurt feelings. I thought I wanted nothing more than to have that back, but now I'm not so sure. So, that was neither in the win or lose category this year.
Portia P. Cat is still going strong. She didn't raise very much money for charity in the Top Cat competition, but she looked cute in her Halloween costume. She escaped for a few days, but we found her. She has a new collar in case she leaves, but I don't think she'll stray too far from home, even though Shelby can't get in her face and say "You stay here, Porsch," anymore.
OK, yeah, I am just realizing that I am super boring. This is the lamest recap of the year ever. I had a boyfriend and a kid, and they're gone. I have a cat. She ripped the Christmas tree down; that was kind of exciting.
I tried to buy a house. That went horribly wrong. So, I still live in Jane's spare room. Also lame.
I went to see the Little Singing Man in Louisville. He used to give me free tickets (OK, his best friend did), but now he is retiring, even though we're supposed to just say he's taking a break. I told him he could get me tickets to see Garth now, but I think he thinks I'm joking.
(Sidebar -- don't you think he'd DIE if he knew I called him the Little Singing Man? That's why I give him nicknames, because he googles himself and then bitches at what I say about him on my blog, so it's his own fault.)
Oh, on my trip to Florida, I went to the Keys. I finally saw Hemingway's house, and realized that if I lived there I might actually write something halfway decent. It's hard to be inspired when you can't feel your feet. And you're sober. No wonder all writers have a penchant for the drink.
I also got a hotel room right across from Lummus Beach for $55/night. That makes up for paying $15 for sunscreen and even more for a cheeseburger. Still, South Beach is awesome, even though Toma tells me that everyone hangs out in the Keys now.
Speaking of South Florida, I have a nephew -- un sobrino -- now. John Eduardo Richards Benitez -- or Juanito, as I like to call him -- was born Nov. 24. I can't wait to go visit him, and not just because my tan is starting to wear off.
Nothing too exciting going on, and probably none of this is news for those of you who read my blog. I went to visit my family last week, and we got to stay in Gary and Kori's new house, which is very nice. My parents are doing OK. Grandma is doing OK. All of Grandma's cats are doing OK.
Yes, indeed. We are super exciting people.
One thing that I learned this year is that a lot of people love me and believe in me. Some people don't believe in me as much as I thought they did, but you know what? I have a great network of people who care about me and are going to help me get through whatever life throws at me. And even though this year has had some marvelously shitty moments and I can't wait for it to be over in a few days, I am still alive and I am relatively healthy (but my fat ass is spending quality time with the treadmill starting tomorrow). There have been some dark hours in the last few months, but there have been plenty of opportunities too.
Yes, I am truly blessed. Here's hoping for an amazing 2010.
Hermit crab?
I have decided to take a break for a while. I would really like to just become a hermit and not interact with anyone, but I don't think my friends will go for that. And I am truly blessed to have some wonderful friends.
But, as for dating, I am done with that. You all know I wasn't looking for Chris when I found him, and I just don't have the energy to subject myself to the rejection anymore. This whole crazy journey started last year when someone sent me vacation photos that had a lady's handbag on the bed in his room. And since
that boyfriend
wasn't a crossdresser, I figured that the reason he was so hush-hush about going on vacation was because he went with another woman. Especially because he went to the Islands, and I may not know much in life, but I know plenty about St. John, St. Thomas and the BVIs.
So, I was pretty downtrodden because I realized I was just his plan B, and I set out on a journey to become someone's plan A. Unfortunately, that hasn't gone very well. I was obviously not Chris' plan A, because the minute Lisa came back in the picture he left me faster than you could say "reconciliation agreement." Not to mention that he's become mean and nasty and has treated me like shit so that he could feel better about his decision. Oh well, I guess I just didn't see what kind of person he was, but now I do. I hope that when the po-po haul him in, they put him UNDER the jail. But I still pray for him everyday, because everyone deserves to have love in their lives, and maybe someday he will have it again.
Let's see...what happened next? I had a torrid, four-day affair with a college student who dumped me because his dad said I was too old. That's OK, that wasn't ever going to be anything more than it was -- a random hook-up -- and frankly, he filled a specific need at a specific time in my life, as I'm beginning to suspect everyone does.
I went on a few more dates, kissed a few more toads (proverbily). There was needy guy who finally stopped calling because I wouldn't make a commitment to him before I'd ever even met him. Seriously, if you're that lonely go to the Humane Society and get a dog. Then there was the health nut (who didn't look like a health nut in the pictures he'd sent), whose eyes actually got sad when he saw me for the first time. But, among all the toads, there was one person who had shown some promise.
He was funny, clever and I enjoyed spending time with him. We spent an entire Sunday curled up on the couch watching football, which was so much more fun than spending Sunday hanging out at the trailer court, trying to score some herbal refreshment. He was on the right side of the law, which was quite refreshing (see last sentence). And, once we were done watching football, I sent him home to go to Church instead of dragging him up to my bedroom.
Because I really liked him, and didn't want to screw it up, so I sent him home. The way I looked at it, he was worth letting the wall down for so I figured we'd have plenty of nights cuddled up in my room.
Or so I thought. Now I am back to sleeping in the middle of the bed. But, you know what? I kind of like it.
I need to work on me for a while. I need to just be by myself and listen to the silence. I have a book to write. I have a bedroom closet to clean and laundry to do. I have a whole bunch of people coming to my house for Christmas. Lots to do.
I don't know if the wall will ever come down. I am content by myself. Every time I try to date, I remember why I hate dating in the first place. It took me 32 years to get to the point where I realized that I am a great person and have a lot to offer, and it's a person's loss if they don't realize that. But dating just pings at your self-esteem. It makes you feel inadequate. It makes me feel like a fuck up, even though I know I'm not. It's not that I need to get my value from other people,
it's just that other people are so fucking cruel sometimes.
Maybe I should just get a dog...
Song of the day: "Are The Good Times Really Over?" by Merle Haggard
Ramblin' fever
I really haven't had much to say, but I feel like I should check in.
Thanksgiving was good. I cooked a lot of delicious food. Everything was perfect. My friend Thomas helped me with the cooking and cleaning, and everything went really well. I think it helped me to stay busy too.
Despite the bumps and bruises of the last few months, I really do have a lot to be thankful for. I have a good job. I have great friends. A wonderful family, including a new nephew. Life is not bad.
I have toyed with the idea of brushing up on my Spanish and moving to South Florida when the economy picks back up. I think it would be better down there. I'd be closer to my family there, I have friends there, and I'd be near the ocean. I could use an ocean right now. All I know is that I watch CSI: Miami, and I wish I were there. (OK, maybe not covered in blood or interacting with David Caruso, but going to the beach and just staring at the ocean and not being cold. That'd be nice.)
That's a long-term idea. We'll see what happens. It just seems like now that I don't have any ties to Nashville like I did a few months ago, I am getting the wanderlust again. I really like South Florida. I especially like the Keys, but I could never get a job that would allow me to afford living there. Mostly because I just want to sit there and write like Hemingway. (Well, not really like Hemingway, but you know what I meant.)
I need to focus on being a "real" writer again. I am not sure how I will do that, considering that I can't even keep my blog up to date. I have a lot of great ideas; I just don't know how to get them out on paper. I want to inform and entertain people. I want to make people laugh. I just don't know how to make that happen.
As I was typing this, I looked over my shoulder and saw my "Writer's Block" on my desk. I think that everyday I will take a few minutes to write something, even if it is using a trigger from that book. I am starting to feel stale again, and that's the last thing that I want.
Although, someone once told me that I am only amusing when I am making fun of people, and that it can be really hateful. I am not a hateful person. Nine times out of ten, I pick on people because I care about them. And honestly, I just think it's better to laugh even when things are shitty. Just like I laughed about me spending my whole day in the kitchen preparing a delicious meal when I'm sure someone else ate hamburger helper off a dirty plate. In some ways, it's funny, but it's not really funny ha-ha; it's more funny in a sad way. As one of my friends said "Who would choose Betty Crackwhore, when he could have Betty Crocker?"
I don't know. I just know that I am not a loser in any way. I haven't lost here. I miss having a family, especially when I got sick a few days ago and I was really worried what would happen to me (my doctor thinks it's going to be fine, so I'm not worrying anymore), but I do deserve better. Not because he didn't go to college or because his clothes are always dirty or he drives old, beat-up cars, but because he totally took advantage of the situation and broke my heart when he didn't have to. I was content with being his friend, but he let me believe that we would live happily ever after, when really all he wanted was for Lisa to come back.
Well, you know what they say about karma, and it's going to catch up with you, if it hasn't already.
