Life
I know everyone is worried about me. I do appreciate it. Thank you.
I don't know how or when, but someday I'm going to be OK. And, by OK, I hope that means mentally and physically, although I'll be honest and say I'm not exactly sure how it will happen.
I have had a rough patch the last few months. And everytime something good comes along, something bad comes along too.
I don't like to say goodbyes. I don't like to let anyone go from my life because everyone with whom I associate provides some sort of special value that no one else can provide. I am blessed to know a lot of really wonderful people.
But it seems that even though I don't want to give up on anyone else, they don't think twice about giving up on me. I guess the good thing about that (when you get past all the heartache, betrayal and disappointment) is that when someone gives up on me, I'm not the one who's losing. It seems like it, because I love everyone and I hate to see anyone go. But if someone doesn't want to be in my life, I can't force it. And if they're going to be in my life but be shitty, well, I don't have time for that.
Sorry for my rant earlier. I still have a migraine and I am taking a nap the minute I get home, but I'm feeling somewhat better.
I know people think that I am being or have been ridiculous, but it's something that I've dealt with. I've really not talked to a lot of people about a lot of what's going on. So, basically what I am saying here is that no one except little ol' me knows the whole story. And it's better that way. Just know that I am not well and I am still dealing with a lot of pain, but I am dealing with it. I am glad everyone worries about me, but there really isn't much anyone can do to help me, unless someone has a magic wand. One that works.
Just love me. And if it's really too hard, then that's OK too.
Drama
I will apologize in advance for posting something that could be described as passive-aggressive. I don't normally like to be that way, but I am at the end of my rope and I am only saying all of this once. And besides, this way every single person in the world has the option to see exactly what I said in one place so my words can't be twisted and used to fuck me over a million years from now.
Got it? OK, that's good.
People have been asking me what happened to my vacation. Well, lots of things happened, but mainly my priorities changed, and it's just not feasible.
First of all, my sister-in-law had a little baby, and I love my little Juanito. And I still haven't gotten to meet him yet. He lives in Miami, and it involves taking vacation time to go visit him. And apparently it's just not acceptable for the favorite aunt to wait to long to see her sobrino. I only get two weeks of vacation time and they dock me if I am late with a flat tire, so needless to say I have to incorporate family time into the schedule. Because after this past year, I've learned at the end of the day all you have is family.
Second of all, I don't know if you all remember, but I went a little crazy. And, let me tell you, crazy is expensive. $50 bucks a week for therapy, four different meds priced between $9 and $50 each. Yeah, save up before you have a nervous breakdown.
All of that might have been OK if I'd gotten any hours at Christmas from toyland. As you'll remember, that is how I pay for vacation every year. I use the money that I make working 30-40 hours a week there at Christmastime for my fun money. Well, so needless to say, there wasn't much fun to be had when I was scheduled for four hours the week after Thanksgiving.
So,here I am with not nearly as much money as usual, and I've gone nuts. You can judge me now if you'd like (because let's be honest, you were going to anyhow), but I put my sanity before everything else in the world. And every week when I go to the pharmacy and my therapist, I put it on a credit card. Yet, there are still some people in America who don't believe we need health care reform. (Have I mentioned that my insurance premiums are over $500 a month and I STILL have to put health care costs on a credit card?)
Now I sit. Maxed out credit card. New nephew that I'd like to see if I can scrounge up a cheap plane ticket and sleep on my brother's couch (much cheaper than the dinner buffet at Caneel Bay). I am broke, and frankly, I still wish I were dead because some people just can't understand that I'd MUCH rather be sunning at Trunk Bay than crazy. I would much rather wake up every morning to the sound of the ocean hitting the rocks than the sound of my tears or uncontrollable vomiting.
And, now I'm sick. Or I should say, I know what is wrong with me. And it's not pretty, and it's expensive too. (Did I mention that our country desperately needs health care reform?)
But the nice thing about being sick is that it forces you to put your life in perspective. You figure out what's important and what isn't. You figure out who's really there for you and who's not.
And what I've realized is that the past is all done. And the future is finite. So, I need to make each and every day count to the best of my ability. And I'd like to think that I am doing that. I am working hard at my job. I am stopping to smell the roses and I am working on improving myself.
I am trying really hard to remember that you are only as good as the people you surround yourself with, and anyone would be lucky to have me in their life. Some people realize that, and some poeple don't. But, if you'd like to enjoy me, you better do it now, because I just have this feeling that I won't be around forever. And by forever, I just don't see it in my cards to grow old. I never have.
I can't worry about shit that happened years ago. I can't even remember shit that happened weeks ago. All I know is that I am not going to spend what time I have left on earth wondering why people are pissed off at me and crying over them blaming me for shit I didn't do and begging them to still love me. I have been there, and done that and all it does is show people that you don't mind them treating you like shit.
And I do mind. I hate it very much. It's not fair, and I'm sick of it.
I don't know much about having a compromised immune system, but for some reason I can't help but think that surrounding yourself with positivity can't help but make you feel better. God knows these disgusting multi-vitamins aren't doing the trick. I am getting negativity in all directions, and I'm not going to sit around worrying about bullshit all the time. I am not going to worry about getting cancer or vacations that are happening without me. I'm not even going to worry about the maxed out credit cards for Dr. Joan and Target pharmacy. I'll keep paying until they get paid. And being alive should be worth more than any 14 percent interest rate.
God will take care of me. I know that, and that is what I have to focus on. My faith, positive feelings and positive people.
If you don't want to be a part of that, have a good one. I'll be praying for you.
When it rains...
...it pours.
Never, ever say that things can't get any worse. Because they always will.
But, I am sure part of that is because when you let little shit bother you, the good Lord is pretty famous of reminding you that it's stupid and petty by giving you something big and scary to worry about instead.
He really never disappoints. It's just that his plans are rarely the same as ours.
I'm not talking about what's wrong here. No way. Too personal. But let's just say I've got bigger shit to worry about than how to pay for a trip to the beach. And I should probably save my money, because much like my trip to crazy land, my insurance isn't going to pay for all the tests and merriment.
It'd be nicer if I felt like I had someone who could hold my hand for me while I went through all of this. I don't really understand everything and what I've read so far might as well have been written in sanskrit.
I am sure everything will be OK. And if it's not, well, I'll figure it out when I get there.
Over it
No one cares what I have to say, including me.
I don't matter. I never will and I probably never did. I am just too much of a pussy to spare you all permanently, so I am just going to disappear off the face of the earth.
This way I can't fuck things up and ruin everything. Much better this way.
Maybe someday I will care again. Maybe not.
All I know is that I don't really care about other people's problems right now, so it only seems fair that I don't bother you with mine. Besides, I don't really think the entire World Wide Web needs to know my business anyhow.
Not that I have any business. Pretty much I can sum it up with two sentences: I have been emotionally drained for several months now and I can't take any more grief. So since people just want to pile it on and blame me for everything that happens in the whole fucking world, I am doing what Laura does best: pushing people away and wallowing in my own self pity.
I can get better on my own. And frankly, if I don't get better I don't really care. And since I'm not bothering any of you with it, you shouldn't care either.
Maybe someday people (myself included) will learn how to play well with others. I highly doubt it, because I'm pretty sure that people have the asshole gene ingrained in their DNA. They don't mean to be jerks, they just can't help it.
Achy, Breaky Heart
I had written a big, long post this morning, and I guess my Blackberry decided to erase it, because it isn't here anymore.
I am buying a house. I should probably be happy, but I can't help but think it is a bittersweet accomplishment. It's a big house, and the two people that I want to live in it with me don't even like me anymore.
Someone else likes me. But frankly, I can't even think about that. There is just a big, empty hole where my heart used to be. I don't know that I ever want to be in a relationship again. Even though I wanted to be a mom, I got to do it for nine months and it was the best thing ever. But I don't think I'm going to get to have it again.
And, even if I were capable of being in a relationship, which clearly I am not, this guy isn't my type, at all. I feel bad because he really cares about me and I'm pretty sure this whole mess is fucking up our friendship, but I can't help it. And I have been honest with him. Even if my heart were mine to give, the chances are very slim that I would give it to him.
But still, it's hard. I'm extremely lonely. But I'd rather be lonely than settle.
I'm not ever going to get better. Chris' sister checked in with me for some unknown reason, and I told her that. I'm not ever going to get better. I didn't even know someone's heart could hurt this much, and I have no idea how to fix it. I don't think I can.
I don't think I believe in love anymore. Not at all. And I sure as hell wouldn't give my love to someone (if I had any to give, that is) who wouldn't give two shits about me less than a year later. Men are assholes. They can't help it, but they can go be assholes without me. I did perfectly fine for almost 33 years without them, and if I make it through the next few months (the jury is still out), then I'm sure I'll be fine for another 30 years.
But, most days I just want to be dead. There's no point in lying about it. I used to believe in love. I used to believe what other people did and said. Now I just want to be alone. I'm not particularly sure I like people, and most days I sure as hell don't want to be around them.
Some people are just better on their own. And frankly, Chris isn't the only person who's pissed in my cornflakes recently and I just don't want to let people do that anymore. And, with most people, if you let them in, they are going to disappoint you, whether they mean to or not.
I'm not saying I'm guiltless here. Hell, I wouldn't be my friend. I don't like me. I'm a colossal fuck up and I do just as much to destroy my relationships as others do. I'm lucky my cat still likes me, and I'll bet she wouldn't if she could get to the Cat Chow herself.
Everything's changed in the last few months. Everything sucks, but I'm too depressed to care. I don't know how to fix anything, if I wanted to. I hate being the way I am, but in some ways it's better, I think.
Song of the day: "The Truth" by Jason Aldean.
10 Things
So, I just started reading a new blog (I am updating my links this week, so I'll tell you about it then), and on there I saw this post about "Ten things that make me happy," so here I go.
Maybe it will cheer me up a little.
1. Chocolate
2. My family, especially my new nephew Juanito
3. My friends
4. Working out
5. Music
6. Church
7. Beaches
8. Daisies
9. Road trips
10. Watching TV cuddled up on the couch under my snuggie
Update
So, blogging in 2010 has been a little spotty so far. My computer at home is still broken and they have cracked down on personal stuff at work (shhhh). Anyhow, this is just a quick one to let you know I am still alive and that things are starting to look up.
First of all, some of you may have noticed that I have a new blog.
What's that? You didn't? Well, go check it out at canihavethatrecipe.blogspot.com.
It's a cooking blog. I am going to make old favorites and try lots of new stuff and tell you all about it.
There will be some commentary, but most of that will still happen here.
Let's see, anything worth mentioning right now? Not really. I was finally starting to feel better, but then due to some people being assholes and meddlesome, I lost my shit again.
I guess I am just keeping busy to get my mind off the other stuff. We'll see how it goes. Really, though, the cooking blog is a starting point for a whole food-related side business that I am cooking up in my head. Pardon the pun.
2010 is going to be a great year. It really is. I have faith. So, stick with me, because there's lots of excitement yet to come.
