Progress
So, they always say when you are decorating to start with the smallest rooms first. And actually, the two rooms I have planned (my bathroom and the guest powder room) are probably going to make the biggest impact too.
We'll see how my do-it-yourself skills really are, because I have a few projects that I'll be doing on my own, but a lot of it boils down to paint and cute accessories.
My downstairs bathroom is going to be "paris chic." Ooh la la. My inspiration there was a Waverly Fabric called "tres chic." Think fashionistas, Paris, pink. Ooh la la, indeed. The walls are going to be a bright pink. Currently I am leaning toward "Sexy Pink" by Glidden, but I need to get a tester at Home Depot and see how I like it on the walls. Right now, I am just taping chips to the wall and see what I like. I am also waiting on an accessory, which is a little white, black and pink picture of the Eiffel Tower. I'm completing the look with fleur de lis TP and towel holders, a black frame on the mirror, my antique doctor's office table (which is white and black enamelware), coordinating switchplates and a sign on the door that says "toilette" like you see in Paris.
My bathroom, of course, is sticking with the beachy theme of the old house. Only now I will have Caribbean blue walls, a mirror frame made from shells, sea glass and nautical rope and another DIY project: a flip-flop towel rack, which I will post a picture of as soon as I am finished with it. It's going to involve power tools! Eek!
As for my bedroom, I am looking for a perfect shade of cream/beige/off-white to go with all the aqua and gray I have now. I'm going to complete the look with a frame of pictures from St. John and some antique Caribbean cruise posters. Oh, and fishing net from my canopy!
Downstairs, I have picked out my living room furniture, but I haven't ordered it yet. I may have to paint when I'm done, but we'll know once I see it for sure.
So, that's where we are with the house. It's nowhere near being picture-ready, but you'll see it as soon as it is!
War and peace
We spend one-third of our lives working. We spend one-third of our day trapped in a building with random people working on random tasks. For those of us who have spouses, we probably spend as much -- if not more -- time with our work colleagues than with our spouses.
Therefore, it is not unreasonable to expect that you will develop friendships with these people. You carpool, go to lunch together, work closely together on various projects. Surely, you will find someone at your work with whom you share common bonds.
You may even have friends with whom you get together after hours. These may be friends with common interests, friends who live nearby, or just people whom you'd like to get to know better.
And, there's always the person who's like that cousin no one wants to sit next to at holiday dinners. This person might be chicken little, thinking the proverbial sky is falling. But most oftentimes, this person is trying to be everyone's pal, playing each side of the fence and generally stirring things up at the office.
I don't like office politics. I am paid to come to work everyday, do my assigned tasks and then leave when they are completed. On the rare occasions that I have enough free time to take a lunch, I often go by myself. I don't need to have friends at work; I am just getting paid to do a job. I am way too busy to try to stir things up, even if I were the type of person to stir things up.
I don't have to be anyone's friend. In fact, it's probably better if we are just cordial enough to do our jobs.
But I also don't need someone to tell me they have no problem with me and then refuse to talk to me. I don't have to be anyone's pal, but I do have to do my job and when someone's attitude problem is impeding my ability to work, then we have a problem. No one deserves to work in a hostile work environment, and when there are doors slamming and someone will not even communicate on shared office tasks, we have a problem.
I am on this kick where I stand up for myself, and I really have no choice but to do it in this case. I am going to try to talk to this person like a grown-up, although I am really suspecting that could be a major stretch. If that doesn't work, then I am going to have to go higher up.
Because no one should cry at work everyday because of how they are being treated by a co-worker. For God's sake, we are adults and we shouldn't be subjected to junior high games. I didn't like junior high in 1990, and I really don't like it 20 years later. Not going there.
And how come things only get really super-shitty at work when the economy is bad? Nobody hates you when there are jobs everywhere. I guess that is because when there are jobs everywhere, people who are miserable move on and don't try to make it miserable for everyone else.
Today
Today I stood up for myself. I needed to stand up for myself, and I did it.
I am sure it will go horribly wrong, but it is done.
I shouldn't be afraid of people and how they will react, especially when those people don't really mean anything to me.
Perhaps there will be some resolution. Perhaps I will sit here tomorrow in the same place I was before I decided to speak up and say what I needed to say.
I don't expect miracles. I gave up on that stuff a long time ago.
But, really, a little common courtesy never hurt anyone, and I am sick of being treated badly when I didn't do anything wrong.
Come to think of it, I am not a big fan of being ignored either.
No point in dwelling. As someone pointed out to me today, I have to keep moving forward. And, I am trying; it just doesn't always seem to go as planned.
But then again, does anything ever go as planned?
Confused.
I am really having trouble wrapping my head around why some people get second, third, fourth, fifth chances and are allowed to tell whatever lies they want with no consequence, while I do not lie and never did anything wrong -- in fact, I even have a sink with no dirty dishes and dinner will be on the table by six -- and I don't get a second chance and I'm accused of all kinds of shit that I wouldn't even dream of doing.
Maybe it's because I don't look like a dude. Honestly, it's probably because I'm pretty and wear skirts and make-up and shit.
Well, I am worth it, even if no one wants to believe it, and someday people will realize that I never hurt anyone. Maybe by then it will be too late. I like to pretend like it's too late now, but I know it isn't. I'm not sure it ever will be. Of course, I am sure I am long-forgotten by now.
And honestly, I even share my make-up when people ask nicely.
Improvement?
I've lost 7 1/2 pounds, and I'm working out everyday.
I bought a house and I am working on organizing it and some cool projects to make it my own.
I joined a book club.
I am doing so many things right. I am following so many of the suggestions given to me to get my life back on track.
Yet, I have cried for at least 70 percent of today. I can't stop. I am so depressed it isn't funny. I even thought that maybe I don't need to be on earth anymore, but I am such a nice person (or maybe I'm a doormat) that I feel bad about killing myself before I tidy up my office. It would be hard for a new person to make heads or tails of how I have things set up in here. I know where everything is and lose things when I try to clean. Things like my magazine budget, which leaves me scrambling to finish up an article I didn't remember that I had to do. So, I can't kill myself because it would be hard for a new person to just come in here and pick up with my job. And, it's our busy time at the office.
I'm sure you all think that's a great excuse. Apparently I'm the only person who thinks a bottle of pills with a cabernet chaser is a good idea. Of course, I am also the only person who has this big, gaping hole where her heart used to be with absolutely no idea of how I am supposed to fix it.
I have discovered that I don't trust men. And I don't trust myself to choose a man who is not a complete and total asshole. This is partly, because I am like 99.9 percent sure that all men are complete and total assholes.
I am OK with being single. Really, it's less expensive although the sex is not that great. I just wish I had someone to grill my steaks or go on long drives in the country with on Sunday. I can't go by myself, I don't really remember my way around the country.
But it's not really about dating. It's not about being alone.
It's about feeling like a piece of garbage who is not even good enough for someone who is apparently a piece of garbage himself.
That is why I don't like relationships. You feel really great while you are having them, but then they go away and you feel like you are inconsequential and like you never mattered.
And, in some ways, I think it's better when you see it coming. When you already suspect that you didn't matter anymore. Because I don't know how you recover from getting blindsided. I don't know how you sit on someone's couch and talk about happily ever after on Saturday and they are gone by Monday. How someone can tell you that you mean the world to them and just walk away and act like you never existed. I will not ever understand this.
I know it's been a long time and it shouldn't bother me anymore. Or at least that is what everyone says. And it probably shouldn't. But seriously, it has left me in a million little pieces and even if I knew how to put myself back together, I'm pretty sure I am all out of glue.
I want to convince myself that God really has a plan here, and apparently this wasn't God's plan. I really do. But I don't know anymore. I don't even get to church like I used to. I know everyone at church loves me and wants to help me, but things just don't seem to ever get better. Just when I think I might be OK, something comes along and kicks my legs out from under me again.
I am going to try to hang in there, although I am not really sure why anymore. Maybe things will pick up. Maybe I will lose myself in making a towel rack for my bathroom and be suddenly cured of my melancholy.
Maybe I just need to fill up my gas tank, crank up the Alanis Morrissette and just drive...
Clearing up confusion
It has been brought to my attention that there are some nay-sayers out there. And I shouldn't feel compelled to explain or defend myself, but I do for some unknown reason.
The following are screen shots from the Detroit Free Press Half Marathon results page from 2004. As you can clearly see, I finished the race. Now, I may have been dead last, but I got the same t-shirt and medal as everyone else AND I learned a lot in case I ever wanted to do a half marathon again.
And I have wanted to, because there are two types of people who do half-marathons: 1) the ones who get addicted to it and want to do races all the time and 2) the ones who did it once so that they can say that they did it. There's nothing wrong with being either kind. I got up at 4:30 in the morning and walked 13.1 miles while you slept in your bed. I got up every Saturday and did my training walks with my team while you lounged around the house in your PJs. I'm not saying those things are bad, I'm just saying that completing a half-marathon is a major accomplishment, and it's complete and total bullshit for people to either accuse you of lying about doing one or to say you can't do it again. If you have two legs and a little determination, you can do it. And I WILL do it, because the best motivation for me is someone telling me that I can't do something.
So, not that I have anything to prove to anyone. Especially people who are always bitching about something or people who are sitting with their asses in front of the computer while I'm out walking, but I just wanted to show everyone the results page from that race. Actually, it was one of the proudest moments of my life, so why wouldn't I want to share it with people. I can't wait for the next one, although some people might not want to see my finish line photo this time :)
This is the top of the page, just to prove I am not just copying and pasting random words:
This shot shows my results. Yeah, that's me. Dead last. But I did it. And I will do it again.
U2
I put this on my Facebook, but I know that not all of you have the privilege of being my Facebook friend, so I'm putting it here too.
New running shoes: $85
iPod Touch: $300
Running and listening to "Beautiful Day" by U2 as the dawn breaks: priceless.
Tuesday the 13th
In some Latin American cultures, it's not Friday the 13th you worry about, but Martes (Tuesday) the 13th. Having spent many years learning Spanish from Latinas and having Mexican family members now, I'm generally a little superstitious about this day.
But today is going well. I started my day getting up at 4:45 and taking my roommate to the airport. Then I went to the gym and got a few miles in, took a shower and went to work.
I am pleased to report that I have lost 7.5 pounds in the first week. I am not starving myself, but I am measuring out my food and making better choices. I am spending tons of time at the gym, and it is really helping my stupid arthritic knee to work out more.
I think the biggest change that I am making is to eliminate negative people from my life. I have put a few people in timeout, and, as you know, banished a few people from the kingdom. While my blog is no longer private because that isn't fair to the NICE people who want to read it (although I really do hate that the comments are currently disabled...we'll get past that soon enough), I really do want to encourage those who are no longer part of my life to just stop reading here. Go into your favorites and delete this Web site, because you really don't matter to me AT ALL. And, for the love of God, don't send me any of your whiny, bitchy, passive-aggressive, bullshit e-mails because I see they are from you and I delete them without reading them. You matter so little that I don't care enough to block you. So, you're wasting a lot of energy that you could be putting toward something positive. Maybe you should even get out the iPod and run a little bit yourself. It might clear your head.
And, the endorphins are almost as good as the ones you get from having sex and God knows you could stand to get laid...
Anyhow, Happy Tuesday the 13th. If anything goes wrong, blame the Hispanics. The racists in this country blame them for everything else anyway. :(
New rules
OK, so I have changed the rules of time-out. Until further notice, no one can make comments on my blog.
I know. It sucks. I don't want to do it, but I don't really need to be verbally abused by jerks either. And you all really don't need to read that. In response to the negativity in my life that I can't control, I am going to be positive in the aspects of my life that I can control.
So, shame on the mean people for ruining it for everyone else. But perhaps they've moved on with their lives and taken up knitting or rescuing ponies or being "friends" with celebrities who live in places other than Nashville. Regardless, not my issue. I am not friends with said celebrity, even though I still get the occasional late-night text when he drinks too much. I like ponies; they're cute (although they will kick you and knock you over when you piss them off). Never got knitting. Too much hand-eye coordination for me.
Things are OK here. I am really working at losing weight. I have been going to a class with my trainer and another trainer and I'm definitely stronger, although I don't know if fitter is a word I would use to describe myself. I am starting my walking regimen today, and I will be walking a lot because (so far) I have signed up for a 5K in June and a half marathon at the end of September. Plus, I have the Vision Walk in May, although that's more about helping little blind kids than getting finished.
I have made a bet with myself, and I am putting it down for all the Internets to see right now. I am going to work really hard with my diet and exercise, and if I haven't make marked improvement in six months (I guess that would be mid-October), then I am going to talk to my doctor about my surgical options. I am thinking about that lap band surgery, but I think with a good team, I can do it on my own.
I also joined a book club. I'm all about growth and renewal right now. Why not? The Easter season is a time for new beginnings.
My house is a humongous mess still, but I did buy a china hutch and I am going to start working my room soon enough. I need to move my bed so I can run my ceiling fan!
