Last one
I have gone back and re-read many posts because I was cleaning up my dashboard. It was eye-opening.
The reality is that this did not happen because I decided to pursue a relationship with someone who my best friend doesn't even remember she spent a night with. In some ways, it'd be easier to believe that it did.
You all read this blog. And you, like me, know that she's been trying to find a way to get rid of me for months now. My guess is that she found new friends and didn't need me anymore. Although the more I read, the more that I realize there have been a lot of hurt feelings these last few years -- almost always mine.
If she wanted to be my friend, she would've forgiven me. Just like I've forgiven her time and time again. Sometimes your friends piss on you, whether they mean to or not (I didn't), and you forgive them because that's what friends do. And even if you don't forgive someone right away, if they really need something, you are there for them because at the end of the day you are still friends.
Cindy also told me today that it was OK to move on. She is right. It's OK to move on, but I'm not giving up anyone. I'm not burning any bridges. I'll always love her, if she ever wants to come back. Even though sometimes I wonder if it's against my better judgment. Love is like that some ways.
I just will always wonder why she felt like I didn't deserve a second chance when so many others get not just second chances, but third, fourth and fifth chances.
Maybe instead of inviting her to dinner and breaking the news to her gently, I should've just dumped her by text message and told her that I didn't want a relationship with her unless everyone else was busy, like other people have.
Cindy
You have been all great, reminding what real friendship is. But I was re-reading some blog posts, and this comment from Cindy just hit where I needed it to hit.
Ah, that post made me want to cry. We've all been there Lj, hell the two of us have been there together over a bunch of really stupid shit. We parted ways, in a not so nice way, but never burned the bridge that linked us. Relationships, whether it be with a friend or a new love, have a way of working themselves out if they are meant to be salvaged and those that aren't meant to be are just memories, good or bad, to fill up the -dash- in your life.
As many of you know, Cindy and I did not talk for almost two years. But I never stopped loving her. And when we were both ready, we rediscovered our friendship. It's not exactly like it was before, but we're getting there, and I know that either of us would do anything for the other.
We never burned any bridges.
We never stopped loving each other.
I realized today that some people don't understand the concept of unconditional love. They need our prayers.
The cook-out
So, I got up yesterday and tried to conquer the world. I threw laundry in, did the dishes and took out the trash. That kind of wore me out, but the weather was cooperating, so I decided that we might as well proceed with the cook-out. I let everyone know we were still on.
I originally planned to go to Walmart and get my plants for my little gardening project too, even though I'm kind of over Walmart. I just didn't know where else I could get everything.
I aborted that plan and headed to Kroger's for groceries. I'm glad that I did, because just as I went to get out of the car, it started to pour down rain. Luckily it stopped, I went inside and even managed to get a dry cart. Perhaps the weather would allow me to grill out after all.
I had a plan. Put the brownies in the oven. Chop up veggies and get the pasta boiling. While the pasta cools, cut up the fries and put them in the oven. Then chop up the rest of the stuff for the pasta salad. At this point, there was a monsoon, and I realized that the grill was not going to be used, so I put the steaks on the George Foreman grill.
Everything was delicious. We had a great evening. The only glitch was that I somehow managed to turn off the ice maker. So, when I went to make everyone's drinks, there was no ice. Oops. I turned it back on, and it quickly made a cube, but I needed to go plan b. Luckily one of the guests who hadn't arrived yet was able to stop and get ice.
It was a lot of fun, and we ended up all sitting in the kitchen and talking over drinks and brownies until after midnight. You wouldn't believe all the topics that swirled around. It was a lot of fun, and I hated to see it end. Although I think I was worn out on my first day back in the land of the living, because I fell asleep in bed with my phone in my hand.
I was talking to one of my friends right before bed about a lot of stuff. I realized that my life is pretty great, even though I have my moments where I think that it isn't. Even though my job may not be as long-term as I'd like to believe, I can just keep working hard and building up my skill set, and I'll be ready when I have to move on. I'd like to make it three years there at the minimum, so I've got my fingers crossed on that. I really love my job, so I just hope they don't run out of money to pay me at some point.
Of course, ask me if I love my job when I'm working all my spare hours to catch up next week. That's fine. I only have to do it four times a year.
It's not like I have anything better to do, and it's not like I'm sitting home on the couch. That drove me nuts this week, although I can use the money I saved by staying home for my little gardening project. Although I'm not feeling too ambitious today, and my plan is to go to church at six this evening. I was told recently that I might want to work on myself, and while it was a "Hello Pot, this is Kettle..." moment, I have been working on myself. We can all work on ourselves, can't we?
Anyhow, part of working on me is going to include spending more time with God. I've really gotten away from my spirituality for a lot of reasons. When I look in the mirror, I don't see the person that I want to be all the time. Sometimes I don't even recognize the person looking back at me. That has to stop. So, starting this week I'm making time for prayer, reading the Bible and getting more involved at church.
I know my schedule is pretty crazy, but it's something I have to do. I also need to get back to working out everyday, even if it's late at night like I did back when I was OCD. I'm sick of being fat.
Of course, the work-out plan will have to wait until I can breathe again. I'm hoping that'll be soon.
And my last personal improvement goal for the week?
Sheri, are you ready?
I need to get a lot better about brushing and flossing my teeth. I've had to keep my teeth really clean because of all the germs I have right now, and I realized that I am going to lose my teeth if I don't get serious about this. And mostly, I can't afford new teeth. It sounds painful, too.
I think I'm doing great with my self-esteem right now. When everyone kept telling me that this whole row with my friend stemmed from her being jealous of me, I couldn't wrap my head around that. I've spent weeks trying to figure out why anyone would be jealous of me.
But I have realized:
1. I have a good job doing what I love, even though these days I feel like I'm standing on shaky ground.
2. I have a lot of people who love me, whether they are family, friends or the Y chromosome who complicates my life.
3. I have moved to a great new house, and I absolutely love it here.
4. Even though I've wondered lately, I am a strong person. I'm honest, compassionate, smart and fun to be around. I'm a good friend.
5. I keep busy. True, most of it is working, but I have a pretty good social life when I want to. Even though I love sitting at home and watching TV in the living room at my new house, I don't spend all my free time doing that by any stretch of the imagination. I have my homebody moments, but I almost went bonkers staying home for two days.
6. And I'd like to think that I am pretty cute.
So, life is good. I'm very happy. I recently made a new friend who is just great. That was a total fluke, but I'm really glad she's in my life. We have similar backgrounds (although I'm very jealous that her journalism degree is from Columbia), and we just get along.
I also found out this week that a guy I knew from grade school and high school committed suicide. He was sick with bipolar disorder, and nothing the doctors did for him seemed to help. He got to the point where he didn't feel like he had any other options. It seems kind of petty and silly for me to think that anything about my life sucks. I'm a very lucky lady.
This post got away from me a little. I just had a lot to say. I think all the time to think lately has really helped me sort through everything in my brain. I'll be fine, whatever's thrown at me.
I'm sick.
Sorry I've been incommunicado the last few days. My mom seems to have given everyone strep throat over Easter break. I will say that this is the most mild case of strep I've had -- I think I caught it earlier than usual -- but the doctor that I went to is a real stickler and told me I was not to leave my house or have contact with anyone for 48 hours and couldn't go to work for four days. That's right. I went Thursday morning, and she said no work until Monday.
I had to call Toyland and bail for Thursday and the entire weekend. I had to call Katherine and tell her I'd be out until Monday morning, although I have so much to do that I may go in Sunday and try to get some things accomplished so I don't start next week in the hole. Urggh. I'm so busy right now, and I really didn't need to be sick.
I'm already feeling a little better, and I am very sick of sitting on the couch and watching TV. I have watched all of the movies I have rented, and there is nothing good for free on OnDemand. I may see what costs $4 and tell Jane to add it to my bills for next month.
Tomorrow I am going to go out. I'm starting to get sick of the groceries I have in the house, plus since I won't be contagious I'm going to try to still have my cookout, assuming the weather cooperates. It was supposed to be to celebrate the first nice Saturday, but the weather has decided to turn on us. I could always grill outside and just serve the food inside. That might work.
I can't think of the last time that I wore PJs for two days straight and didn't leave the house. I'm pretty much going insane right now. There's a lot of shit on TV, and I haven't even had the energy to turn my computer on, so I had tons of e-mail (mostly junk) waiting for me.
I am thinking of putting some plants out on the deck. Maybe a little herb garden (I'm thinking fresh mint for my mojitos...). We'll see. I'm not much of a green thumb.
Did I tell y'all my neighbor bumped my car earlier this week? I was supposed to get an estimate, but I may not even worry about it because I'm pretty sure it's cosmetic. My car looks like shit anyway. A new bumper isn't going to help. Tomorrow I also need to unpack all my stuff I brought back from Mom & Dad's. I needed kitchen utensils...
I need to figure out what I am making for dinner tomorrow and get my grocery list together. I'm thinking steaks, pasta salad, french fries on the grill and brownies or key lime pie.
Nothing left to say...
A card has been sent reminding someone they are loved.
An invitation to Saturday's cook-out has been extended.
And, with that, I'm done.
I can't spend my whole life mourning over the loss of a friend, wondering if she'll come back or begging her not to hate me. I have to just go on with life. She knows there is a place for her if she wants it.
There are a lot of things that I could say here, but I really don't like to air my dirty laundry in public. Even when others are running around "rallying the troops" against me, I don't try to defend myself, just in case I might hurt someone I care about in the process.
I've hurt a lot, but I owe it to myself to realize that sometimes things change, and that's just how it is. I just hope that when it all comes down to it, she realizes that I loved her and would've done anything for her, if she'd just given me the chance.
It's absolutely amazing that my life went from pretty damn close to perfect to complete and total shit in just 24 hours. I've almost got myself convinced that some people don't deserve happiness.
All of this reminds me of the conversation I had with my married ex-boyfriend, the night he came clean and told me that he wasn't quite divorced yet.
He told me all these awful things his wife had done. Now, I know that every "practically divorced" guy has stories about how awful his wife is. Otherwise, you'd tell him to go home and not date him.
When he was done, I asked him: "So, do you still want to be married?"
And he replied, "No, but I don't want to be divorced."
I get it now. Nobody wants someone else to give up on them. It sucks. It really hurts that someone you loved, would do anything for, would just give up on you.
That they could give up on you really.
I'm done, because I have to be. This has to be the last day that I worry about this. If by some miracle she reads her mail or shows up on Saturday, then maybe I'll reconsider. But at this point in my life, I have to make my peace with the fact that somebody gave up on me.
Right now, I wish that I were a shittier friend and didn't have unconditional love for those I care about, because then maybe I could really give up on her too.
Song of the day:
"What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts.
Six weeks
So, I rushed into the kitchen to have half of a sloppy joe before midnight. Then I stopped to chuckle a little.
I haven't been to church since Ash Wednesday. I'm pretty sure I committed some big sins during Lent. Repeatedly.
Really, eating meat on Friday is probably the least of my worries at this point. I got this sudden urge to go to confession -- for many reasons -- but it's the Triduum, so no more confessions until after Easter Sunday.
Oh well.
I know I need to get back to church. It'd probably help me with a lot of my issues. I don't think anything but prayer can help at this point.
But sometimes I suspect that I don't want to hear what God has to say. Because I know that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to.
I'm not sure if I'm going home yet or not. I am absolutely broke, but I promised my family I would be there. I need to get stuff out of storage, and I miss them all.
We'll see how I feel in the morning. On the plus side, if I stay here, I am sure I could pick up a shift at Toys R Us on Saturday, and Michelle said that she'd come over for brunch and go to Church Sunday morning. That'd be nice.
Thought of the day...
Sometimes the best thoughts of the day come from those light-up signs in front of churches.
Today's entry: "Credibility is availability."
It meant a lot to me. I think it explains a lot of what is going on in my world right now. I've always said that if you don't have your credibility, you've got nothing.
I firmly believe that.
Song of the day: Stronger Woman by Jewel. (Which is now my ringtone!)
Food for thought...
Whatever happens is going to be fine. I have faith.
I was having a very shitty day yesterday and didn't think anything could cheer me up. And I was wrong. I ended up having a not so bad day.
Everyone has a place in our lives. Some people come in and out and some have a very specific purpose. It's just a pain in the ass figuring out who's who.
Anyhow, while I was looking for this quote by Len Wein: "A true friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else," I also found this quote:
"A writer writes. Period. No matter if someone is buying your work or not."
I know it's been ages since I said anything worth saying here. So since I'm working on myself for a while, maybe I'll get to it more often. I do have my wireless router all set up now, so I can sit in my living room and write while I watch TV.
Song of the day: "Ready, set ... don't go" by Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus.
Sucks.
Did you ever really need to talk to your best friend about something, so you rushed to your phone, picked it up and then realized ...
... She's not talking to you.
She's not talking to you now, and probably won't ever talk to you again.
She's moved on.
Now, you're sitting her crying, wondering if you can ever move on. Wondering when you'll stop feeling like you've been hit by a truck.
There's a reason best friends are the best ones. They're special. They know things about you that no one else knows. So, when those things happen, and you need someone to talk to, it sucks when they're not listening anymore.
I've had people come and go in my life, but I've never had my best friend walk away without me knowing if she was coming back. I can't explain how much it hurts.
I don't lie to people. I don't even fib. What you see is what you get with me. Lying is just not a good idea. Because people lie to spare people's feelings, and it never works. They always find out the truth eventually, and then it hurts them even more. Trust me, I've been there over and over again in my life. But for the first time in my life, I'm thinking I really should've just not told her because it wasn't anything worth telling and it made things so much worse than they already were. I thought it would be an issue later, and I figured it was best to nip it in the bud.
Well, apparently I've nipped lots of things in the bud lately.
I just wish I knew how to fix things. Mostly this ache in my heart that I don't know when it'll go away. I can't function like this. I don't really want to...
I'm just talking out my ass and I'm going to be late for work, so I guess I'll just go. I was going to eat, but I'm just not hungry again.
On the plus side, the only positive thing I've lost in the last two weeks has been two pounds.
Blah
Things are about to get crazy in my life again. Work slowed down for a little bit, but starting this week, it's ramped back up. So have my hours at TRU. Blech.
Things with the boy were going well, and now they're kind of blah too. Maybe we're just getting in that comfortable place in our relationship. But the girl in me who doesn't do well with relationships thinks maybe not.
Which kind of sucks, because this whole thing with the boy kinda-sorta precipitated this huge argument with my best friend. If I thought he was a flash in the pan (I still don't), maybe I would've spared her feelings. But it's been brewing for a while, and the boy was just one piece in the puzzle. It's ugly, and I'm not sure if it'll fix itself this time. That being said, I have apologized for what I needed to apologize for, and I have made my peace with it. If she really wants to never talk to me again, it is her loss as much as mine, maybe more. My love for my friends is unconditional and it doesn't go anywhere even if they do. Nothing's changed on my end, except that I realized sometimes I need to be a little more conscious about others' feelings and make an effort to never deliberately hurt anyone.
I've grown up a lot in the last year. I'm in a really different place. Not that I want to settle down and have babies or anything, because the babies aren't an option and I'm not 100-percent sure I see the point in settling down if you can't have babies. But I'm happy professionally and personally, and I haven't seen that combo in a long time. I don't know that I've told Mike this and I know sometimes he reads my blog, so I hate to say it out loud here first, but having him back in my life has really helped me resolve a lot of issues I've been harboring all these years. I still have A LOT of work to do, but I'll get there eventually.
I'm hungry and it's lunch time, so I'm going to sign off for now. I hope things will slow down enough to check in sometime in the near future, but don't hold your breath. Also, say a little prayer that the negotiations between my insurance company and my doctor's practice go well, because Laura is way too high-maintenance to look for a new doctor. You know me, I'll just stop going, and that can't be good for me.
Song of the day:
"Maybe She'll Get Lonely" by Jack Ingram.
Is it a whiskey night?
So, even though I was having a pretty shitty day yesterday, I decided to keep my plans with Michelle to go see the Capitol Records showcase for Country Radio Seminar last night. The show didn't start until 11 p.m., which is way past my bedtime these days, but it was great. We got to hear new music from Chris Cagle and Eric Church, who are two of my favorite folks to see live. The show did not disappoint, even though I didn't get home until 2:16 a.m. Yikes.
I'd also like to report that my car window worked well enough to get in and out of the parking garage! Yay.
I was supposed to go to a bridal shower/bachelorette party for a co-worker after work, but it's looking like bad weather, and they may cancel. I'm not devastated by that, because I am not in a great mood. And I really need to clean my house.
I'm just trying to figure out why I'm not supposed to be happy. I just don't think I am. I'm not getting in to all the details right now because I'm not in the mood, but my life has gone from this huge-ass cloud I was on this time last week, to the complete and total basement. I haven't eaten since breakfast yesterday (unless you count the six malted-milk eggs a co-worker gave me to cheer me up), and I am just wandering in a daze. I feel like something large is just holding me down.
Oh well. I' m the first person to tell people that whatever's going to happen will happen whether you want to or not. I've done what I can to make my voice heard, and all I can do is pray, which I've been doing profusely.
Song of the day:
"What Kind of Gone" by Chris Cagle. If you're not sure where the title of this post came from, check out this song.
Great news!!!!!
My brother called me this afternoon. Guess what?
My sister-in-law is becoming a U.S. citizen on Monday! Yay!
Nothing else to report. I'm working way too much again, and I'm still not sure what kind of mood I'm in. Supposedly I'm going to see Chris Cagle and Eric Church tomorrow night. We'll see... everyone's bailing on me.
O-H-I-O!!!!!
I'm very proud of my home state. I'm proud of my former boss, Governor Ted Strickland. But mostly, I'm proud of Senator Clinton. What a comeback.
She's not done yet, kids. And she shouldn't be. It's only March. Remember when we used to pick our delegates at the convention? Let's do that again.
Barack Obama has nothing but speeches and promises that he doesn't have a clue how to fulfill. Hillary Clinton can do the job. Hell, she's already done it.
I remember the Clinton years. I made a lot of money. I had a great job with great benefits. In Detroit. Detroit's a ghost town now. The whole town: gone.
I want the Clintons back in the White House. Both of them. I want our troops to come home. I want everyone to have jobs and health insurance.
Remember FDR and the chicken in every pot? Hillary Clinton has that vision.
When I worked in politics in Ohio, there was a little saying: As goes Ohio, so goes the nation.
Ohio has spoken, boys and girls. It's time for CHANGE and ACTION, not useless promises.
Now that my political rant is over, I'm heading over to
HillaryClinton.com and donating what little money I had so that Mrs. Clinton can keep trucking on.
Those who haven't voted yet deserve to still be heard. And please Jesus, don't let them repeat whatever Oprah's been spouting at the mouth.
Just a Girl...
Remember
that Gwen Stefani song? Always one of my favorites. I love estrogen-inspired panic attacks. We're so lucky. Guys are OK as long as they know where their Nintendo controller, Hot Pockets and beer are... We freak out over the stupidest shit. And if there's no stupid shit to freak out over, then we create some in our brain... Beautiful.
I had a great weekend. I have to stop worrying over non-issues. About everything.
Song of the day:
"She Likes It in the Morning" by Clay Walker. Waking up by myself today was very, very hard. I don't like it. I'd much rather have someone sleeping on top of my arm, snoring in my ear. That's love.
Road Trip
I took a road trip this weekend. I don't really want to talk about it right now. I'm just being a girl.
One thing I do want to talk about is those blinking signs that say "In Emergencies tune in to XXX radio station for up-to-date traffic information." You see a lot of them when you drive 600 miles one way, especially when the weather's bad; you notice them all then.
Anyhow, here in Nashville they pretty much blink all the time. And it's not emergency information nor is it up-to-date. At some point, aren't people going to stop checking those warnings and tuning in if the information is several days old and it's "news" that everyone already knows, like "Buckle your safety belt." I don't think the transportation department should anesthetize the general public to the emergency warning system. Oh well. I'll probably keep tuning in and hearing "Buckle your safety belt" even when there's a blizzard on a mountain and I'd really love up-to-date information.
I'm home now. I'm tired. I'm grumpy. I might cry. I'm really hoping it's not hormones.
Song of the day:
"See You Again" by Miley Cyrus.
